Currently – 9/24/19 (School, Birthday, Confidence)

I know I’ve said this before but I feel like each day I go to this class I feel a lot more comfortable. So today was my birthday, as I’ve said previously. I was sort of the center for attention today for a bit, which was actually not as terrible as I was imagining it to be. Nothing really specific but there was a point where everyone sang to me, which was awkward but its definitely not the worst thing ever. I was definitely embarrassed but the moment passed and I’m totally fine.

A lot of people remembered it was my birthday without me even having to tell them, which was kind of a nice surprise. Like I’m basically this complete stranger and at least three or four people took precious memory in their brains to remember that its my birthday, most of which I hadn’t even mentioned it to whatsoever. I didn’t even mention it the day of. I was just in the hallway waiting for class to begin and this girl I’ve spoken to a few times remembered that it was my birthday and everyone else there that didn’t know just broke out into, seemingly, genuine joy that “Hey look, its his birthday!” At the end of class someone who I had worked with that day not only remembered my name but called me as I was leaving and wished that I would have a great day.

Of course these things don’t always stay rosy. My family… I would say invited but that would imply I had a choice. Well anyways, they… coerced me out to dinner. You ever walk into a room and immediately know you’re not going to feel great. I walk into the room and my dad is just laying on the bed with a catheter strapped to his emaciated chicken legs and within a few seconds my parents just start fighting. After we got into the car it just kept going on from there to the point where I just don’t even really want to talk about it. My first present so far was a printer so I could use it for class so that was definitely an unexpected joy. This will definitely make printing out work immensely easier for me.

I hate to leave this on a dour note so I’ll talk about something I was happy about. This class has also had a secondary effect on me, most notably that I’m a bit more confident in myself. I’m actually going out of my way to talk to people, girls even. Obviously I’m being as respectful as possible because I don’t want to be a creep or a weirdo. I’ve almost completely changed from being the guy who keeps his head down to the person who actively goes up to people and asks them things or just talks to them. Today I talked with a girl that I had never talked to before and we had a fairly pleasant conversation while working together to the point where she was the girl who wished I had a good day at the end of class. So ya, that’s something to celebrate in my book at least.

Currently – 9/16/19 (Sleep, Sick, School)

Started out my day in an interesting way: my dad calling me up at 2 am to question me on something he has no knowledge of from being given false information because his mind is so gone he can’t even distinguish between time, sleep schedules and how dark it is outside. So… ya. He woke me up at 2 in the morning just to question me about missing a class… which I haven’t, and my only recourse was to quickly correct him and go back to sleep. My best guess for the reason I woke up was because I thought it was my friend contacting me as I am a pretty deep sleeper. Disappointed to say the least.

Looking at the title you can already guess that I’m still sick, albeit not as bad as yesterday. A few sneezes and coughs with some congestion but I’m still trying to get through the day. I think later I’ll take a long hot shower and then get some tea. Ideally I would just straight up eat some raw onions to clear my sinuses but that’s probably not possible. Instead I’ll just continue to drink as much water as possible in an effort to flush my system.

I did go to school today, partially to spite my dad if I’m being honest. I think my mom saw me on Friday not going to class and immediately assumed without asking me then mentioned it to my dad. My best guess is tomorrow I’ll be forced to correct them to which they’ll deflect their accusatory statement to be one of weak praise. If you can’t tell by my writing tone right now I am pretty bitter.

Anyways, school. We’re starting some more practical stuff now which is my weakness so that’s good. Hopefully I can pick up on all of this stuff so when it is finally time for me to go out into the internship program I can be fully prepared. Still not looking forward to needles. Right now we’re working on checking vitals like blood pressure, breathing, heart rate and something else that escapes me. Like I said the actual practical applications are my biggest weakness so I’m hoping that I can get better at that. In an effort to put myself forward rather than keep my head down I volunteered to be a test subject, so that’s cool.

I guess my biggest worry is about being perceived as creepy. Throughout my time at high school (13-17) I was always the weird guy. I could handle it at times but there were moments where it was unbearable, like a friend of mine making it somewhat clear he believed me to be a school shooter which is always fun to hear from someone you thought was on your side. I actually had somewhat of a conversation with a group of people which was nice. I’m always wary not to move beyond my boundaries so interjecting myself into a currently ongoing casual discussion successfully was a nice boost to my self confidence. Now that I look back on it, today wasn’t all that bad.

Currently – 9/4/19 (School, Time, Insecure)

Today started off normal until my mom called me. We went to the school to pay off the final fee and do some other small stuff. My grandma was putting up part of the money so that I can take the class and she wanted to talk to me. She voiced her concerns saying that the class I was taking, which would lead to a job, is for people persons in the sense you have to have good social skills. It was the first time I’ve talked to her in months so it was kind of an unpleasant thing all around. She’s a very nice person in her own right but ever since my grandpa died I’ve started looking at the rest of my family in a more unfamiliar light.

Its not that I haven’t experienced death or the death of a family member before but my grandpa’s death really broke me. I never cried so hard than when I stood at his bedside seeing his lifeless body, or rather I crumpled to the floor. After going through the grieving process I remember the last time I saw him alive weeks before. He walked by me across a hallway. He didn’t say anything but he just stopped for a second and glared at me with such an unfamiliar and unwelcoming gaze. I tried to say something but I couldn’t and he left without saying anything either. Later I found out he was fully aware he was going to pass, in some extent, and had made plans to secure a few people’s futures beforehand. My brother received something from him whereas I feel like he abandoned me right then and there, perhaps seeing something inside of me he was disgusted by.

Of course something like that changed me forever. It felt like his final act as my grandfather was to abandon me. Of course he wasn’t always like that. He was a giant of a man in more ways than one, towering over people with both his stature and presence. He was happy and full of life as well as dedicating himself to helping those less fortunate than him, both in small ways like giving jobs to those who lived on each paycheck day to day and in creating a nonprofit business solely to help the mentally disabled live better lives. Of course this wouldn’t make him a good grandfather but simply a good person. However he was also a good grandfather, always helping his grandchildren and being a beacon for all of us. Or at least I felt he was.

Ever since then I haven’t been able to trust anyone. I started lashing out against other people because I was afraid they would abandon me as well. If my own grandfather, someone who I had known for my entire life and trusted, could abandon me so easily knowing full well he wasn’t going to be alive for much longer then how could I trust anyone else? Its been six years since then and this feeling continues to poison every relationship I have or wish to have.

I think the worst part about it is that my grandfather seemed to be this larger than life figure who always tried to be a good man. Not a single thing he ever did in my life ever made me believe he wasn’t a kind, strong and caring man. So why did this person abandon me? I am I wrong? Evil? Did he see something in me that made him disown me in those final moments? And if that’s the case, why should I see myself as anything different? If one of my personal heroes, a kind and generous man, someone of my own blood, a man who I have never heard a single person say anything negative about, saw something terrible in me… then it had to exist, couldn’t it?

Currently – 9/3/19 (Better, Numb, School)

If you’ve been following my recent posts you’ll notice me being… not great. That was the same for today as well. No energy to do much of anything than just be sad. Later in the day my dad had me take him on a short but annoying errand. I don’t like spending time with him, recently more so. His mind is gone but he wants to talk so much of what he says is either repeated ad naseum or he gets tripped up mid sentence. So I got annoyed and it somehow made me feel better? I guess I would rather be annoyed than sad.

Anyways, a few hours after that and I still feel sort of just… numb I guess. Although there were some annoyances that basically gave me a migraine but at least I wasn’t feel like I was before. Tonight was family night again and I honestly just don’t like doing it at all. I have my own problems with my mom and you’re just adding my dad onto the equation. Tonight’s main irritation was that my school is going to start on Monday so we went to check to see if everything was ready. Turns out this class, apart from being pretty expensive, requires a bunch of annoying stuff on top of it such as we have to buy our own expensive books, I have to adhere to a dress code and I need some medical tests done. This doesn’t feel normal to me but I guess I’ll roll with it.

My mom does this thing where she’ll read everything on a paper, and I mean everything. Its a good practice for writing, I guess, but it gets really annoying. Like she’ll read off specific websites and even sources or just little blurbs here and there. I get why she’s doing it but that doesn’t make it any less inane. Afterwards I keep getting interrupted trying to listen to music or whatever by a needlessly long diatribe that my dad goes on that has nothing to do with anything and I have to sit there and listen to him ramble on for what seems like a solid five minutes of non stop talking.

So I’m back at my place with a building headache and not sure how to cure it. I think I’ll drink a lot of water. Maybe that will help. I think my biggest problem is stressing over the classes. My family is putting up the money for me to do this so there’s a real pressure to make sure I get all of this right. I’m thankful for this opportunity but also annoyed that all of this is happening and I’m just sort of strapped in for the ride. Then again who knows. Maybe this is the first step towards the rest of my life.

Currently – 8/27/19 (Book, Walk, Tired)

Tried to write some more. I did a lot less than I expected to do. Not entirely sure what the problem is but I think its dialogue. There’s something I want to say with each chapter that will move the story forward while also having decent callbacks so I think that’s the main problem. Maybe there’s just this block in my mind right now. Though if I had to guess it was me screwing up my morning routine a bit so maybe that was the big problem.

Yesterday I said that I was feeling depressed and lonely so I was going to talk a walk and clear my head. I spend nearly all day, every day stuck in my room and this place which means I don’t get out much. Someone suggested I go out and walk to make myself feel better. That… kind of worked. I still feel depressed and sad but I had the whole idea that I actually went out and did something, no matter how small. I fear this is just one of those things with a singular solution and unfortunately it doesn’t look like I’m able to get that solution. I guess what I gained was some perspective and some snacks too, I guess. I’ll give my idea on how to get myself out of this funk some thought.

Tonight was family night. There’s a bit of a communication issue between myself and my family. I was under the impression we weren’t going out tonight so I got some food… and then we went out for some food. The whole ordeal was a bit more pleasant than usual but I think my one sticking point is my mom wants me to co-write a book with her and wouldn’t take no for an answer. She’s really hyper Christian and just the mention of the darker aspects of what I’m writing illicit a a silent “Oh” from her at best so the idea of writing a book I can be proud of with her is… not ideal. Not only that but any mention of my book to her makes me second guess everything I’m doing and sometimes just straight drop a book because I keep needlessly obsessing about it. Long story short, this is a bad idea and I absolutely don’t want to do it.

Classes will be starting soon and I’m shaky at best about them. I know they’re going to rob me of time but at the same time am I really doing anything right now? I spend each day waking up, checking my phone, trying to write then spend the rest of the day alternating between playing games or watching videos. I’ve been trying to be more productive and make more meaningful choices but it just feels impossible. No energy to make my life better so that I can do things that would make my life better. I feel like I’m trapped in a tidal wave and all my energy to swim out is just robbed from me. Do I keep fighting against the current or allow myself to be dragged down? Can I get back up this time?

Currently- 8/23/19 (Clinic, Laziness, Obligations)

Yesterday my mom informed me that she needed to do something at our actual house which is around a hundred miles away. For context we have a home but its exceedingly far away from where we work so we’re staying in an unusual situation and we just use the house for a glorified storage space for all of the stuff we want but don’t need and can’t fit in our new small space. Anyways so my dad had some doctor’s appointments for the next day so I would have to fill in. Extra annoyance on top of that was I was forced to spend the night with my dad because he’s prone to accidents so I basically just needed to be there in case he needed me. Not wanting to sleep in the same bed as my dad, for a multitude of reasons, I opted to use a very uncomfortable cot in a very uncomfortable position. It took a while but I finally went to sleep and it… wasn’t as bad as I was expecting it to be.

Further adding on to the “Was not as bad as I expected” mood the whole situation with my dad wasn’t the worst. Although we did spend around two hours waiting for a procedure that ended up taking less than ten minutes and then me pushing my dad a pretty decent distance away for another check up, the whole situation was a lot less terrible than I initially was expecting. Not only that but I got some food out of it, a mostly full tank of gas and a hundred bucks for my emergency fund that I had previously drained. So… neat. I guess its sort of my new response to annoying things that has made stuff like this less annoying. I don’t yell and scream about doing something I hate, rather I just sigh and do it. Admittedly that is a bit passive aggressive but… hey, I did it to the best of my ability so you can’t knock me for that.

Something that I’m less proud of is I essentially told myself I wasn’t going to get any work done on my book. I was already expecting the situation to go on for a long time, which it did, and that I wouldn’t have any energy to do any work. Pretty much I just convinced myself I wouldn’t get anything done as an excuse to do nothing. This is something I can be disappointed in myself about. Effort is effort and I can’t blame myself for not meeting expectations. I can, however, blame myself for being kind of dumb. I hope to learn from this.

My current part time job is going pretty decent. The pay is nice, the job is easy and I can fit it into my life sort of well. The one problem I have is it kind of cuts my potential time to hang out with my friend to even lower levels. She’s usually tired after work and I work on weekends so there’s a pretty significant dead zone of any free time in our schedules. I was thinking about potentially getting her on a Friday but texting her today had her say she was playing a game with some friends and would text back later. She never did but I’m not going to hold that against her. Also right now I’m supposed to work right now for a weird time so its put my plan into question. Its been a while since I’ve seen her and that kind of sucks because I feel genuinely happy around her. Oh well, some other time then.

Currently – 8/16/19 (Annoyed, Time, Lost)

Today was another one of those days. A day that starts off pretty decent and you’re actually making an effort to be a better person only to be derailed by one thing or someone in particular. Started off the day with a shower and washing clothes, something productive. While washing my clothes I was watching Netflix when my dad called me up and asked me to take him somewhere kind of far away. Little by little he kept annoying me. Yesterday he called me up in the middle of something to ask me about a thing he should already know and at the wrong time so it was just feeding into today. Turns out the thing he ‘needed’ me to do was already taken care of so I just wasted my gas and time. To make matters worse I was in a bad mood but didn’t want to discuss it so he decided to start guilt tripping me about how he paid for some of my stuff so I should help him… while not also realizing that he said fairly recently he wouldn’t pay for that stuff anymore.

I’ve never had a good relationship with him and now that he’s been immobilized by cancer its just making everything worse. He’s still as vindictive, self important, know it all and highly critical as ever but now I have to assist him with basic needs every so often. Its like taking care of a baby that’s berating you while you’re changing its diaper. Every single tv show or movie I saw about a person getting cancer was always dignified or tragic and the whole situation brought everyone together regardless of how horrible the person who was diagnosed with the disease acted in the past. I like fairy tails but this is just too far out there.

I’ve said previously I’ve felt alone and its only getting worse. I’m debating on whether I should just call up a person but I think if they just ignore me… like they’ve done as of late, that’s just going to make me feel even worse. Of course there’s the idea that they may come back and pretend like nothing happened and I think that’s just going to piss me off. I know you don’t do this to other people, so why do you think its okay to do this to me? I might be overreacting but I never understand people who screen calls or texts. If you don’t feel like talking just say so. Relationships aren’t a game.

I really feel like going on a trip right now. Not somewhere super far away but maybe closer to nature. Where I live its all concrete and metal and I think its effecting me. There’s parks nearby but it has this air of falsehood to it. Plants are pruned and shaped in a very specific way, nothing is out of place and most of it is surrounded by more concrete and metal. I want nature to be chaotic. I want plants to overtake conventions. I want to see animals so unafraid of humans that they’ll walk up to you out of pure curiosity and so confident in the fact that this is their home and you’re a strange new visitor to be inspected. I wish there was a place like that.