Currently – 10/8/19 (Work, Test, Friend)

Had a pretty decent day at class today. Seems like things will be ramping up pretty soon so I’ve got to give it my best. Talked with some more classmates. Every day I’m feeling a little more and more relaxed. I even walk up to people and talk to them, which is kind of a feat for me. I really hope I can continue to be a little more sociable.

I’ve got a test I need to study for tomorrow and it seems like it might be a little hard for me. I keep getting decent scores on the tests so I don’t know. Maybe I just know some of this stuff already? In any case I really have to study for this one, and I have… a little bit anyways. I still keep doing things like watching tv shows and lazing about but I have done some studying and I’ll do some more so at least I’m not being completely terrible.

Tonight was family night and I was already going to use the test as an excuse as to why I wasn’t going. They made it sound especially annoying, asking me to drive like fifty miles just so I could be around their bickering and generally bad behavior. Of course I kept getting those backhanded questions making it sound like I was just skipping out and using this as an excuse, which I am but that doesn’t mean I like being called out for it. I wish they’d just trust me once and a while. I know that my mom is going to burst through my door unannounced and just berate me because I was taking a break from studying and then just waste my time with inane stuff.

Haven’t heard from my friend in a while but it seems like she’s not really in a good place. I’d really like to help her out but I’m not sure she even wants to speak to me. I think I’ll try calling her on Friday, if only to check in. Ultimately its up to her and I just want her to feel better. I just want to be there to support her as much as possible. I don’t think right now is the right time to go and visit her so I’ll just keep saving up money for when the day comes.

Currently – 10/1/10 (Social, Family, Work)

Had a pretty decent day at class today. There’s this one woman who keeps asking me (two times now) why I’m so stand offish and don’t interact with people. At the time I didn’t have an answer but the truth is I’ve been seen as a creepy weirdo my entire life. Pretty much anyone I’ve ever known feels the need to comment on how I’m so terrible at being a normal social human being, ask me why I’m not normal and I can’t say because the stuff that has messed me up in life effectively kills any conversation like some kind of conversation nuclear bomb. Her words stuck with me and I decided to have lunch with some of my classmates. After a while they invited me to sit with them and we talked for a bit which was nice. There’s some other stuff I’d like to know about, like how I keep seeing this one person glancing at me every so often but I think I’ll leave that for my brain to mull over.

Tonight was family night, which I always hate. Its never good and I always end up feeling as though I’ve wasted my time apart from free food. Parents bickering as usual, my dad’s addled brain forcing all of us to repeat ourselves multiple times while my mom calmly pesters me on my life. She keeps poking the idea that I’m going to find a wife in this class, which I’m not against, but it keeps screwing up my interactions with these nice women who I’ve said before I would like to treat from a baseline as professionals or peers. Dating or marrying anyone of them sounds great but as opposed to looking at them like I’m some kind of king picking out my future wife from a line up I’d rather treat them as equals.

An additional thing I hate about family night is I always have more important things to do and I end up being forced to cut into my sleep time in order to get what I need done. I cut into my sleep time all the time but at least I do that on purpose for a variety of reasons… not always sensible but at least its my choice. I know I’m choosing to spend like ten minutes to write this out but this is my choice to continually keep up with my daily post. Worst part is that I can’t just say “No, I have work to do”. It always ends up that I get pestered for like five minutes about how I should and how we’ll “totally get back in time”, which we never do. I dislike it in general but when it cuts into things I need to do is when it gets really frustrating.

I guess I’ll talk about my plans for tomorrow. First I’m going to finish this assignment so I can turn it in. I’m also going to try and go to bed earlier than usual so I can do my morning routine. I already have something packed for lunch so I’m going to try and sit with others at lunch tomorrow and get to know them a little better. Like I’ve said I want to treat everyone in this class with respect but, that being said, I would like to be… closer to some of the people here. Friends is nice but, as I’ve said before, I’m tired of being alone and I’d really like some companionship. I’m not going to work towards it like I usually do but rather take my time and get to know someone a bit better. If anything should blossom from it then that’s great but otherwise I’ll just be happy to talk to people who (hopefully) don’t judge me immediately at first sight or make assumptions about me by what I choose to do.

Currently – 9/24/19 (School, Birthday, Confidence)

I know I’ve said this before but I feel like each day I go to this class I feel a lot more comfortable. So today was my birthday, as I’ve said previously. I was sort of the center for attention today for a bit, which was actually not as terrible as I was imagining it to be. Nothing really specific but there was a point where everyone sang to me, which was awkward but its definitely not the worst thing ever. I was definitely embarrassed but the moment passed and I’m totally fine.

A lot of people remembered it was my birthday without me even having to tell them, which was kind of a nice surprise. Like I’m basically this complete stranger and at least three or four people took precious memory in their brains to remember that its my birthday, most of which I hadn’t even mentioned it to whatsoever. I didn’t even mention it the day of. I was just in the hallway waiting for class to begin and this girl I’ve spoken to a few times remembered that it was my birthday and everyone else there that didn’t know just broke out into, seemingly, genuine joy that “Hey look, its his birthday!” At the end of class someone who I had worked with that day not only remembered my name but called me as I was leaving and wished that I would have a great day.

Of course these things don’t always stay rosy. My family… I would say invited but that would imply I had a choice. Well anyways, they… coerced me out to dinner. You ever walk into a room and immediately know you’re not going to feel great. I walk into the room and my dad is just laying on the bed with a catheter strapped to his emaciated chicken legs and within a few seconds my parents just start fighting. After we got into the car it just kept going on from there to the point where I just don’t even really want to talk about it. My first present so far was a printer so I could use it for class so that was definitely an unexpected joy. This will definitely make printing out work immensely easier for me.

I hate to leave this on a dour note so I’ll talk about something I was happy about. This class has also had a secondary effect on me, most notably that I’m a bit more confident in myself. I’m actually going out of my way to talk to people, girls even. Obviously I’m being as respectful as possible because I don’t want to be a creep or a weirdo. I’ve almost completely changed from being the guy who keeps his head down to the person who actively goes up to people and asks them things or just talks to them. Today I talked with a girl that I had never talked to before and we had a fairly pleasant conversation while working together to the point where she was the girl who wished I had a good day at the end of class. So ya, that’s something to celebrate in my book at least.

Currently – 9/16/19 (Sleep, Sick, School)

Started out my day in an interesting way: my dad calling me up at 2 am to question me on something he has no knowledge of from being given false information because his mind is so gone he can’t even distinguish between time, sleep schedules and how dark it is outside. So… ya. He woke me up at 2 in the morning just to question me about missing a class… which I haven’t, and my only recourse was to quickly correct him and go back to sleep. My best guess for the reason I woke up was because I thought it was my friend contacting me as I am a pretty deep sleeper. Disappointed to say the least.

Looking at the title you can already guess that I’m still sick, albeit not as bad as yesterday. A few sneezes and coughs with some congestion but I’m still trying to get through the day. I think later I’ll take a long hot shower and then get some tea. Ideally I would just straight up eat some raw onions to clear my sinuses but that’s probably not possible. Instead I’ll just continue to drink as much water as possible in an effort to flush my system.

I did go to school today, partially to spite my dad if I’m being honest. I think my mom saw me on Friday not going to class and immediately assumed without asking me then mentioned it to my dad. My best guess is tomorrow I’ll be forced to correct them to which they’ll deflect their accusatory statement to be one of weak praise. If you can’t tell by my writing tone right now I am pretty bitter.

Anyways, school. We’re starting some more practical stuff now which is my weakness so that’s good. Hopefully I can pick up on all of this stuff so when it is finally time for me to go out into the internship program I can be fully prepared. Still not looking forward to needles. Right now we’re working on checking vitals like blood pressure, breathing, heart rate and something else that escapes me. Like I said the actual practical applications are my biggest weakness so I’m hoping that I can get better at that. In an effort to put myself forward rather than keep my head down I volunteered to be a test subject, so that’s cool.

I guess my biggest worry is about being perceived as creepy. Throughout my time at high school (13-17) I was always the weird guy. I could handle it at times but there were moments where it was unbearable, like a friend of mine making it somewhat clear he believed me to be a school shooter which is always fun to hear from someone you thought was on your side. I actually had somewhat of a conversation with a group of people which was nice. I’m always wary not to move beyond my boundaries so interjecting myself into a currently ongoing casual discussion successfully was a nice boost to my self confidence. Now that I look back on it, today wasn’t all that bad.

Currently – 9/4/19 (School, Time, Insecure)

Today started off normal until my mom called me. We went to the school to pay off the final fee and do some other small stuff. My grandma was putting up part of the money so that I can take the class and she wanted to talk to me. She voiced her concerns saying that the class I was taking, which would lead to a job, is for people persons in the sense you have to have good social skills. It was the first time I’ve talked to her in months so it was kind of an unpleasant thing all around. She’s a very nice person in her own right but ever since my grandpa died I’ve started looking at the rest of my family in a more unfamiliar light.

Its not that I haven’t experienced death or the death of a family member before but my grandpa’s death really broke me. I never cried so hard than when I stood at his bedside seeing his lifeless body, or rather I crumpled to the floor. After going through the grieving process I remember the last time I saw him alive weeks before. He walked by me across a hallway. He didn’t say anything but he just stopped for a second and glared at me with such an unfamiliar and unwelcoming gaze. I tried to say something but I couldn’t and he left without saying anything either. Later I found out he was fully aware he was going to pass, in some extent, and had made plans to secure a few people’s futures beforehand. My brother received something from him whereas I feel like he abandoned me right then and there, perhaps seeing something inside of me he was disgusted by.

Of course something like that changed me forever. It felt like his final act as my grandfather was to abandon me. Of course he wasn’t always like that. He was a giant of a man in more ways than one, towering over people with both his stature and presence. He was happy and full of life as well as dedicating himself to helping those less fortunate than him, both in small ways like giving jobs to those who lived on each paycheck day to day and in creating a nonprofit business solely to help the mentally disabled live better lives. Of course this wouldn’t make him a good grandfather but simply a good person. However he was also a good grandfather, always helping his grandchildren and being a beacon for all of us. Or at least I felt he was.

Ever since then I haven’t been able to trust anyone. I started lashing out against other people because I was afraid they would abandon me as well. If my own grandfather, someone who I had known for my entire life and trusted, could abandon me so easily knowing full well he wasn’t going to be alive for much longer then how could I trust anyone else? Its been six years since then and this feeling continues to poison every relationship I have or wish to have.

I think the worst part about it is that my grandfather seemed to be this larger than life figure who always tried to be a good man. Not a single thing he ever did in my life ever made me believe he wasn’t a kind, strong and caring man. So why did this person abandon me? I am I wrong? Evil? Did he see something in me that made him disown me in those final moments? And if that’s the case, why should I see myself as anything different? If one of my personal heroes, a kind and generous man, someone of my own blood, a man who I have never heard a single person say anything negative about, saw something terrible in me… then it had to exist, couldn’t it?

Currently – 9/3/19 (Better, Numb, School)

If you’ve been following my recent posts you’ll notice me being… not great. That was the same for today as well. No energy to do much of anything than just be sad. Later in the day my dad had me take him on a short but annoying errand. I don’t like spending time with him, recently more so. His mind is gone but he wants to talk so much of what he says is either repeated ad naseum or he gets tripped up mid sentence. So I got annoyed and it somehow made me feel better? I guess I would rather be annoyed than sad.

Anyways, a few hours after that and I still feel sort of just… numb I guess. Although there were some annoyances that basically gave me a migraine but at least I wasn’t feel like I was before. Tonight was family night again and I honestly just don’t like doing it at all. I have my own problems with my mom and you’re just adding my dad onto the equation. Tonight’s main irritation was that my school is going to start on Monday so we went to check to see if everything was ready. Turns out this class, apart from being pretty expensive, requires a bunch of annoying stuff on top of it such as we have to buy our own expensive books, I have to adhere to a dress code and I need some medical tests done. This doesn’t feel normal to me but I guess I’ll roll with it.

My mom does this thing where she’ll read everything on a paper, and I mean everything. Its a good practice for writing, I guess, but it gets really annoying. Like she’ll read off specific websites and even sources or just little blurbs here and there. I get why she’s doing it but that doesn’t make it any less inane. Afterwards I keep getting interrupted trying to listen to music or whatever by a needlessly long diatribe that my dad goes on that has nothing to do with anything and I have to sit there and listen to him ramble on for what seems like a solid five minutes of non stop talking.

So I’m back at my place with a building headache and not sure how to cure it. I think I’ll drink a lot of water. Maybe that will help. I think my biggest problem is stressing over the classes. My family is putting up the money for me to do this so there’s a real pressure to make sure I get all of this right. I’m thankful for this opportunity but also annoyed that all of this is happening and I’m just sort of strapped in for the ride. Then again who knows. Maybe this is the first step towards the rest of my life.

Currently – 8/27/19 (Book, Walk, Tired)

Tried to write some more. I did a lot less than I expected to do. Not entirely sure what the problem is but I think its dialogue. There’s something I want to say with each chapter that will move the story forward while also having decent callbacks so I think that’s the main problem. Maybe there’s just this block in my mind right now. Though if I had to guess it was me screwing up my morning routine a bit so maybe that was the big problem.

Yesterday I said that I was feeling depressed and lonely so I was going to talk a walk and clear my head. I spend nearly all day, every day stuck in my room and this place which means I don’t get out much. Someone suggested I go out and walk to make myself feel better. That… kind of worked. I still feel depressed and sad but I had the whole idea that I actually went out and did something, no matter how small. I fear this is just one of those things with a singular solution and unfortunately it doesn’t look like I’m able to get that solution. I guess what I gained was some perspective and some snacks too, I guess. I’ll give my idea on how to get myself out of this funk some thought.

Tonight was family night. There’s a bit of a communication issue between myself and my family. I was under the impression we weren’t going out tonight so I got some food… and then we went out for some food. The whole ordeal was a bit more pleasant than usual but I think my one sticking point is my mom wants me to co-write a book with her and wouldn’t take no for an answer. She’s really hyper Christian and just the mention of the darker aspects of what I’m writing illicit a a silent “Oh” from her at best so the idea of writing a book I can be proud of with her is… not ideal. Not only that but any mention of my book to her makes me second guess everything I’m doing and sometimes just straight drop a book because I keep needlessly obsessing about it. Long story short, this is a bad idea and I absolutely don’t want to do it.

Classes will be starting soon and I’m shaky at best about them. I know they’re going to rob me of time but at the same time am I really doing anything right now? I spend each day waking up, checking my phone, trying to write then spend the rest of the day alternating between playing games or watching videos. I’ve been trying to be more productive and make more meaningful choices but it just feels impossible. No energy to make my life better so that I can do things that would make my life better. I feel like I’m trapped in a tidal wave and all my energy to swim out is just robbed from me. Do I keep fighting against the current or allow myself to be dragged down? Can I get back up this time?