While I was in the middle of writing a post my brother called me up and asked me to meet him at the emergency room. I drove all that way and my dad was lying in a hospital bed pretty much out of his mind. I can’t really describe the feelings I was having. My dad’s emaciated body just lying out on the bed, cuts on his face, mumbling incoherently, not even aware I was there. I’m not even really sure how to process what happened other than I just left after a while.
I was going to talk about how school was going in the last post so I guess I’ll just cram that in here. I’ve been talking to more people and getting better marks on my assignments which is good. I still have some stuff I need to work on but overall I’m doing pretty well. Getting more comfortable with everything and able to voice my feelings a bit better.
One thing I keep finding on my mind is wondering how others see me. I suppose that’s more of a general kind of thing but ultimately I’m wondering who I should invest more time into. I’m also still a little awkward around people which I definitely want to change as soon as possible. But little by little maybe I’ll find my way.
I hesitate to say that anyone likes me because my mind has been so warped throughout my life its nigh impossible for me to accurately gauge someone’s body language towards me. Also I have a poor self image so when I look at myself all I see is the stuff that I perceive as wrong and think others see that in me. There’s a part of me that really hates it when anyone says that “I’m my own biggest critic” because I’m my own biggest critic and I loathe myself. Its not fun or quirky or anything remotely positive. Being your own worst critic is looking at literally every aspect of yourself and just being disgusted.
With that… thing out of the way, I keep getting these weird looks and actions towards me specifically by some of the women in my class. I thought a few liked me but then I pushed that idea out of my head because it was so ridiculous to think that. Now its happening again so I’ve kind of got this whiplash thing going on. My ultimate goal, still, is to treat everyone in this class with respect and not be… well, even weirder. I think right now I should just enjoy being able to talk to people in a nice way as opposed to trying to form a relationship out of this. If it happens, though, then I’m all for it.
Not really sure what to do in multiple situations in my life right now. That’s pretty standard for me but lately there’s been a lot of those situations. My friend isn’t talking to me, there’s the whole relationships at school thing I mentioned, I think my dad is nearing his final days. I honestly just feel like I’m being pushed and pulled in multiple directions all at once when I really just want to sit and take a breather. Not only that but there’s so much going on that is affecting other parts of my life and I can’t just talk to anyone about this stuff because this stuff is affecting those parts in my life. Its a really weird circle going on right now.
I’d really like to go camping right now. Nothing really heavy just sit in a forest setting, surrounded by trees and nature. Just to hear the sounds of the Earth around me. I like in a pretty rural neighborhood so on a daily basis, and even right now, all I hear is cars passing by. Its even worse at night because sometimes people will have drag races nearby, cars honking at each other and occasionally a train will go by and blare its horn during the time I want to sleep. I want silence, peace, calmness. I want to hear what its like to be a human again, an organism that is just so lucky to be alive on this planet right now.
Continuing the tales of my dad calling me in a drug fueled haze, completely unaware of his surroundings trying to get me to do inane tasks for him believing I’m nearby when I’m actually over 100 miles away and in a different county then my mom is forced to correct him and I’ve just wasted a few minutes and my patience is just a bit thinner. There’s probably a better way to word that but I feel like I need to properly voice how annoyed I am by all of this. Not only did I get a call last night, right as I was making dinner and my dad decided to share some disgusting and weird details, but also today.
If I’m being completely honest I think my dad is nearing death right now and I honestly don’t really care. That seems cold and monstrous but he wasn’t a good dad and we were never close. He’s only recently tried to connect with me, despite the two of us spending years together in the same home, specifically because he’s dying (although I know he won’t admit that). These past few years have just been an absolute drain, the final dragged out woes of a dying man desperately trying to make up for the wrong doing he did to me as a kid with small and pathetic gestures. I won’t be happy when he dies and I don’t think I’ll be sad. I’ll simply accept it and try to move on with my life using him as a constant reminder of the type of father I will never be.
Alright, just felt like I needed to get that out of the way and off my chest. In terms of my day it was okay. I got a check from my job and felt a need to spend some, seeing as how I have enough money to pay off my bills when that need arises. I bought some cook books because I want to just be healthier in general, also a book on making kombucha which I’ve been interested in for a while. I also bought some small groceries in preparation to make some healthier lunches to eat at school as well as finally the wrist watch I’ve been meaning to get for a long time.
If I’m being honest I don’t think the exercise is going too well. It might be because I’m not doing it frequently enough, not enough in general or I’m just too fat so my folds (for lack of a better term) are just getting in the way of a proper work out. I’m absolutely not going to quit but I need to make more changes than doing a few reps every single day which is why I’ve put some effort into, hopefully, trying to make better food for myself. Eating delicious food is always great but I can eat well and good food while also making it healthier for me.
I should really do some research on alternative diets and such. I’ve been watching a few videos on intermittent fasting and that seems like something I’m already doing but need to maximize how I’m doing it. Essentially what I’ll do is on the weekdays eat lunch and dinner but on the weekends its kind of random. I feel like if I cut out snacking and really tighten down the window that I eat my, now healthier, food I could drastically improve my quality of life. Time will tell but, if all goes well, I’ll be a bit leaner and maybe healthier in general. Now I just need to find a workout that’s perfect for me…
For once I… actually had a not great day at class. I’m not sure why, everything was going well. I guess I just started to feel left out near the end of the day for a superficial reason that doesn’t really warrant mentioning. I kind of just felt this deep loneliness well up inside of me, despite being around other people who wanted me to talk. Maybe its just a chemical problem in my brain or something. I don’t know.
Further pushing the bad part of the day in my dad called me out of nowhere, during the class, just to ramble on about some dumb stuff. Talking about how I sounded angry on the phone yesterday or something. As he was talking I could hear his face was swelled up, like his mouth just couldn’t form words properly. Not wanting the conversation to go on for any longer than it had to I just placated him, saying I wasn’t trying to hang up as quickly as possible. I was mad, actually. He called me yesterday in a concealed effort to snipe at me and call me out for perceived laziness.
A few hours later my mom called me up to ‘check up’ on me as well. She explained my dad was just completely out of it mentally and I could hear him on the other end as she yelled out what I was saying all the while I was trying to forget about the day and relax for a bit. This annoyance with my parents may seem unusual or even cruel considering my dad is basically on his death bed with cancer but I’m not going to go into too much detail. Basically they’ve been doing this stuff all my life and, even now nearly pushing 30, I can’t escape from them treating me like a child. It was annoying when I was a teenager when they did this which told me they had no faith in me, now its degrading and just brings back old memories. I can’t help but feel they stunted my growth which has lead to me today being socially inept, single and about as sexually knowledgeable as an average teenager.
So I guess I want to channel these feelings into something more productive. Before it was food and video games now its… well its still food and video games but maybe lets fit some exercise into it. I keep catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror and immediately disliking everything I see. I don’t really want to be ripped but I really just want to tone everything down to a point where if I took off my shirt I wouldn’t be embarrassed. I looked up some videos on how to tighten up my core, and now my recommendations have been pushing even more stuff on me. I found some pretty rigorous things online that I’ve been doing every morning, afternoon and night and I actually feel really good and have seen some decent results in just a few days. Hopefully I can keep up with this.
Had a pretty decent day at class today. Seems like things will be ramping up pretty soon so I’ve got to give it my best. Talked with some more classmates. Every day I’m feeling a little more and more relaxed. I even walk up to people and talk to them, which is kind of a feat for me. I really hope I can continue to be a little more sociable.
I’ve got a test I need to study for tomorrow and it seems like it might be a little hard for me. I keep getting decent scores on the tests so I don’t know. Maybe I just know some of this stuff already? In any case I really have to study for this one, and I have… a little bit anyways. I still keep doing things like watching tv shows and lazing about but I have done some studying and I’ll do some more so at least I’m not being completely terrible.
Tonight was family night and I was already going to use the test as an excuse as to why I wasn’t going. They made it sound especially annoying, asking me to drive like fifty miles just so I could be around their bickering and generally bad behavior. Of course I kept getting those backhanded questions making it sound like I was just skipping out and using this as an excuse, which I am but that doesn’t mean I like being called out for it. I wish they’d just trust me once and a while. I know that my mom is going to burst through my door unannounced and just berate me because I was taking a break from studying and then just waste my time with inane stuff.
Haven’t heard from my friend in a while but it seems like she’s not really in a good place. I’d really like to help her out but I’m not sure she even wants to speak to me. I think I’ll try calling her on Friday, if only to check in. Ultimately its up to her and I just want her to feel better. I just want to be there to support her as much as possible. I don’t think right now is the right time to go and visit her so I’ll just keep saving up money for when the day comes.
Had a pretty decent day at class today. There’s this one woman who keeps asking me (two times now) why I’m so stand offish and don’t interact with people. At the time I didn’t have an answer but the truth is I’ve been seen as a creepy weirdo my entire life. Pretty much anyone I’ve ever known feels the need to comment on how I’m so terrible at being a normal social human being, ask me why I’m not normal and I can’t say because the stuff that has messed me up in life effectively kills any conversation like some kind of conversation nuclear bomb. Her words stuck with me and I decided to have lunch with some of my classmates. After a while they invited me to sit with them and we talked for a bit which was nice. There’s some other stuff I’d like to know about, like how I keep seeing this one person glancing at me every so often but I think I’ll leave that for my brain to mull over.
Tonight was family night, which I always hate. Its never good and I always end up feeling as though I’ve wasted my time apart from free food. Parents bickering as usual, my dad’s addled brain forcing all of us to repeat ourselves multiple times while my mom calmly pesters me on my life. She keeps poking the idea that I’m going to find a wife in this class, which I’m not against, but it keeps screwing up my interactions with these nice women who I’ve said before I would like to treat from a baseline as professionals or peers. Dating or marrying anyone of them sounds great but as opposed to looking at them like I’m some kind of king picking out my future wife from a line up I’d rather treat them as equals.
An additional thing I hate about family night is I always have more important things to do and I end up being forced to cut into my sleep time in order to get what I need done. I cut into my sleep time all the time but at least I do that on purpose for a variety of reasons… not always sensible but at least its my choice. I know I’m choosing to spend like ten minutes to write this out but this is my choice to continually keep up with my daily post. Worst part is that I can’t just say “No, I have work to do”. It always ends up that I get pestered for like five minutes about how I should and how we’ll “totally get back in time”, which we never do. I dislike it in general but when it cuts into things I need to do is when it gets really frustrating.
I guess I’ll talk about my plans for tomorrow. First I’m going to finish this assignment so I can turn it in. I’m also going to try and go to bed earlier than usual so I can do my morning routine. I already have something packed for lunch so I’m going to try and sit with others at lunch tomorrow and get to know them a little better. Like I’ve said I want to treat everyone in this class with respect but, that being said, I would like to be… closer to some of the people here. Friends is nice but, as I’ve said before, I’m tired of being alone and I’d really like some companionship. I’m not going to work towards it like I usually do but rather take my time and get to know someone a bit better. If anything should blossom from it then that’s great but otherwise I’ll just be happy to talk to people who (hopefully) don’t judge me immediately at first sight or make assumptions about me by what I choose to do.
I know I’ve said this before but I feel like each day I go to this class I feel a lot more comfortable. So today was my birthday, as I’ve said previously. I was sort of the center for attention today for a bit, which was actually not as terrible as I was imagining it to be. Nothing really specific but there was a point where everyone sang to me, which was awkward but its definitely not the worst thing ever. I was definitely embarrassed but the moment passed and I’m totally fine.
A lot of people remembered it was my birthday without me even having to tell them, which was kind of a nice surprise. Like I’m basically this complete stranger and at least three or four people took precious memory in their brains to remember that its my birthday, most of which I hadn’t even mentioned it to whatsoever. I didn’t even mention it the day of. I was just in the hallway waiting for class to begin and this girl I’ve spoken to a few times remembered that it was my birthday and everyone else there that didn’t know just broke out into, seemingly, genuine joy that “Hey look, its his birthday!” At the end of class someone who I had worked with that day not only remembered my name but called me as I was leaving and wished that I would have a great day.
Of course these things don’t always stay rosy. My family… I would say invited but that would imply I had a choice. Well anyways, they… coerced me out to dinner. You ever walk into a room and immediately know you’re not going to feel great. I walk into the room and my dad is just laying on the bed with a catheter strapped to his emaciated chicken legs and within a few seconds my parents just start fighting. After we got into the car it just kept going on from there to the point where I just don’t even really want to talk about it. My first present so far was a printer so I could use it for class so that was definitely an unexpected joy. This will definitely make printing out work immensely easier for me.
I hate to leave this on a dour note so I’ll talk about something I was happy about. This class has also had a secondary effect on me, most notably that I’m a bit more confident in myself. I’m actually going out of my way to talk to people, girls even. Obviously I’m being as respectful as possible because I don’t want to be a creep or a weirdo. I’ve almost completely changed from being the guy who keeps his head down to the person who actively goes up to people and asks them things or just talks to them. Today I talked with a girl that I had never talked to before and we had a fairly pleasant conversation while working together to the point where she was the girl who wished I had a good day at the end of class. So ya, that’s something to celebrate in my book at least.