Currently – 11/9/19 (Exercise, Habits, Waiting)

Pretty much this entire time I’ve been thinking about the woman I like. Trying to decided the right words to say or the right thing to do. Or even if I should do anything at all. Right now it doesn’t seem sensible to let this opportunity to pass me by. She feels like someone I want to spend my time with, someone who actually wants to be by my side. How could I let that pass me by without at least trying to understand if my feelings are true or not?

I tried to exercise a bit, get my mind off things. Walked a mile on the treadmill. Kind of impressed by my stamina. Even when I was thin in high school I was never this good. My muscles are definitely stronger and more pronounced and my body feels a lot healthier than a decade ago. Although that could also be my mind. I haven’t felt like I was in a good place for a long time, so right now it feels like everything is going right for me and I have myself to thank for that. Occasional exercise, better diet, being aware and honest about my feelings.

Of course I’d like to say that I’m keeping a decent diet. I decided to eat something that wasn’t super healthy then I thought it tasted good so I’d have a second portion and I might as well have an egg for protein. One of my worst habits used to be overeating. I was definitely obese, at least in the medical term. On the outside I just kind of looked chunky or stocky. Trying to be vegan has changed a lot for me and how I view food. I bought some candy bars to put in my lunch when I go to school. Normally I would have decimated them instantly but a day later and I’ve only had one, which isn’t ideal but I’m definitely happy that I’ve come so far to the point where I can control myself a bit more.

So after I realized I was dipping into a bad habit I decided to take it easy and not think about food. Of course my mind wandered back to that woman who entered my life, how I feel about her and what I should do. Its difficult being honest with someone when every other time you’ve tried to be honest to others you’ve been shot down, ridiculed or been abandoned. I really like her and want her to know that but I’m afraid that I’ll lose her. Then again I can’t stay afraid forever. Either I gain some courage and be honest with her or I watch her move on.

I think my best plan is to put a reminder on my phone the day I get back. Just bombard myself with messages saying “Tell her” or “You’ve got this”. Of course I get this idea on a three day weekend. Not only that but I just remembered all of the homework I have to do as well as a somewhat labor intensive project I still haven’t finished. I just hope I remember this resolve I have now. Most likely I’ll forget it though. I just need to calm myself down but also have enough courage to be honest with not just myself but with her. Maybe something beautiful and rewarding could come about from this, someone who I want to spend the rest of my life with and they feel the same way.

Currently – 11/3/19 (Work, Betterment, Feelings)

Technically still at work right now but I don’t see any way that something could drastically change in the meantime so this is as decent a time as any to do another post. Not really much has changed all that much. Although I guess I tried to make some tofu? It didn’t turn out well. Basically just tastes like flavored nothing as weird as that sounds. I’m debating on tossing out the stuff I made but there’s a small hope in the back of my head that I’ll have a ‘eureka’ moment and find the perfect flavoring to pair it with. Some teriyaki sauce sounds nice right about now but I’ll just have to settle for the soy sauce I currently have.

Like I said in the last post I still want to better myself in any way I can, that includes my whole ‘mostly’ vegan lifestyle I’ve taken on but also the fact I’ve been making an effort to cook more and exercise. I walked a mile yesterday, which is a decent amount. I guess my biggest problem is I’m not seeing or feeling any real effects. That being said I’m happy that I took the effort to do it and I’m not going to deny that it was nice to exercise in general. I think I’ll do some more exercises before bed and maybe try to push it up to two miles. The one mile didn’t really take anything out of me so why not push for a second? I think I might also read a bit from one of my books and also try to catch up on homework.

Pretty much all I’ve been doing is obsessing over what I’ll say on Monday to the person I like. I’ve narrowed it down to just being blunt about it, being somewhat coy or just asking them if they like me. Personally I feel like being blunt is the best way so there’s no confusion but at the same time I don’t know if I have the courage or the stomach to just fully put all my feelings out there in a concise and proper way. At the same time every time I go over what I’m trying to say it sounds like there’s holes that can be punched into it so I guess I have to refine that as well? I absolutely hate situations like this, where you like someone and don’t know what to say, however this person is definitely worth it. I love being around them, they seem interested, its easy to talk to them, they’re nice, funny and to be blunt I am very much attracted to them.

Something that I haven’t talked about is how I get this massive pain in my chest whenever it comes to feelings. Like someone stabbed me in the chest and I just have to sit there. I think its just because my heart isn’t used to romantic situations. If I had an active dating life for a while I might have built up some strength, as weird as that sounds, for stuff like this. But that’s absolutely no reason to stop now. I can’t be afraid of some possibilities or potential outcomes. Someone I really like is right in front of me and, more than anything, I want them to know how I feel about them. Ideally we would get together because of it but either way this is something I feel like I need to do.

Currently – 11/2/19 (Anxious, Time, Improvement)

After a long talk with my friend last night I’ve decided to just get it all out there. Just tell this person I like them and want to spend more time with them. I’ve tried doing this before but a few situations just kept creeping up and ruining my opportunity to say so. I guess not much has changed now that I think about it… Maybe my resolve to do so has? Either way I’m more committed, I guess, to making my feelings known. I’m going to try for Monday to, at the very least, talk to her about it.

Of course its still Saturday so… I kind of just have to sit here with all these feelings bottled up inside and practically nothing to do with them. I either craft and elaborate plan that will have the best chance to talk to them and get everything out by planning on what I’m going to say but those moments rarely happen. I could create the perfect plan and all it would take is a slight change and recent events leading up until now have really cemented the idea that it will most likely happen again. And there’s also the idea of just ramping myself up only to find that I can’t go anywhere.

I made a joke to my friend that I really felt like working out, making sure my body was in peak ogling condition (despite the fact this person most likely isn’t going to see any more of my skin than they already have this early on). But now that I think about it why not? I can’t do much other than wait, just sitting here with my own thoughts and feelings obsessing over the idea of what I should say to them. But in the meantime maybe I could better myself? I have a pretty decent selection of books I haven’t read, a perfectly useful treadmill and yoga mat that I can literally see from where I’m sitting or the many language learning apps I have on my phone. Why don’t I just take today (and maybe tomorrow) to better myself a little bit?

I think this person is really great and has a lot of nice qualities. So why don’t I try to amplify my own qualities to give them something to ogle at? I mean I really think this person is great in every possible way so why am I not trying to at least match up to the way I perceive them? I have the time, the resources and now the drive to do it. I’m definitely not saying I’m going to get absolutely ripped in two days but… why don’t I at least try to fix some of the things that I personally dislike about myself? Not only could this be better for me in general but it could boost my confidence up a bit, potentially making it easier for me to talk to them, or just have some interesting things to talk about if we do end up going out together?

Currently – 10/28/19 (Exercise, Class, Feelings)

Last night I decided to do some exercise. It wasn’t a lot and the effort was pretty low but I think there was definitely a psychological aspect of it. I took a shower last night and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Normally I’ll just look and get depressed but at the moment I kind of laughed and ‘jiggled’ my folds a bit. I’m not really fat I’ve just got some personal problem areas. Anyways it was kind of nice just to look at my not ideal body and think “Ha, that’s kind of funny.” In any case I decided to walk on the treadmill for a bit before bed. I’m not sure if it did much but I feel like it was a good activity, especially considering the stuff I usually do before bed isn’t really all that productive.

Class again today and it was pretty good. Talked to some people (I will elaborate later), did some work and generally had a very productive day. I also got back a test I took and got a pretty high score on it. I have this mentality of looking at what I’ve done, praising the effort I put in but always striving to do better and I think that’s working for me. The score was high but I definitely could have done better. Unfortunately I forgot to do some homework which I am disappointed about so it couldn’t have been all that good. That being said I did have a productive conversation with a professional and, apparently, gave them some interesting ideas and they seemed genuinely interested both in my personal opinions but also in the ideas I gave them.

And of course there was that special person. At both times this is really nice and frustrating: nice because I get to spend time with them but also frustrating because I just want to get my feelings out there to see if there’s something here. Today we had a bit more time to talk one on one as well as getting to know one another better, which is always nice. I kind of feel like they were pushing me, at least somewhat, into confessing my feelings but literally every time I’ve thought that before I have always been wrong so I will try to put forth my feelings in a more… sensible way. I had a few opportunities to introduce the idea of us spending more time together but some of those times they were forced to be with me so I felt like that would have made them extremely uncomfortable and the other time didn’t seem ideal for its own reasons that I can’t really pin down.

I think the best course of action is to just say I would like to spend more time with them and leave that extra bit up to context. Though I feel as though if I say that they may get the wrong idea and it could end up blowing up in my face. What would be nice is to give them my phone number and we could chat occasionally… though that could also end poorly. I really hate this whole song and dance. It seems so obvious to me that they like me but I know from past experiences that I can’t trust myself. But I know, more than anything, its better to put my feelings out there and know for sure. But at the same time I don’t want to make them feel uncomfortable in the slightest. I really feel like going to sleep for a while right now…

Currently – 10/26/19 (Health, Weekend, Restless)

Continuing my current health update the growth I thought was cancer turned out to be (at least from the doctor’s perspective) an infected gland. My treatment is some antibiotics and a warm compress to the affected area. As far as it feels the treatment seems to be working so I’m glad. Right now the pain and hardness has decreased but I still feel pain. That being said I’m definitely grateful that it seems to be working. I had my doubts but right now everything is telling me this isn’t as serious as I thought it was.

I still have some annoying effects right now. The area is really close to my lung, which was one of my major worries believing that if it was cancer it would have spread to my lungs, and as a result I keep coughing up… stuff that’s most likely come from the infected area. I’m doing my best to keep what I’m saying as not gross as possible but there’s not really much I can do. There doesn’t really seem to be any way I can get rid of this for the moment so I just kind of have to suffer with the pain and gross coughs. All things considered I much rather prefer this to lymphoma or lung/heart cancer.

I’ve said this before but that minor brush with mortality has me really thinking more about my future, more specifically about who I want to be in my future. I’m trying my best to think of this person realistically as well as respect their space. I want them to feel comfortable around me, not necessarily for the express purpose of being in a relationship with them but more so because I’m having a lot of fun with them. I think the next time I see them I’ll try to introduce the idea of getting closer to gauge how they feel. Unfortunately I have to wait another full day and a few hours before I can do that so I’ll just be sitting here thinking about the best thing to say.

Right now I kind of feel like getting on the treadmill, as weird as that sounds. My guess is that if I do some exercises then I’ll be able to potentially get this gunk out of my chest. Unfortunately I can’t do stuff like push ups because my arm is in a pretty decent amount of pain and even just using it to get off the bed hurts far too much. That being said my legs are working perfectly fine and I keep staring at this treadmill that’s just sitting here. Maybe I will, maybe I won’t. The pain isn’t debilitating and the coughing isn’t getting in the way too much but if some light exercise could help me pass all this stuff by either pushing it out or just making my body stronger to fight off the infection I’m definitely all for it. Maybe before I go to bed so I can have a decent night’s sleep or a better morning not being forced to run to the trash can and gag for a few minutes. That was certainly unpleasant this morning…

Currently – 10/25/19 (Health, Stress, Calm)

Update from last few posts, I guess. Went to the doctor to check the abnormal growth and its supposedly just an infection in one of my glands. This is somewhat of a relief but I still have my reservations. For one I’ve been misdiagnosed before so there’s always that possibility, however I’d like to believe it is just in fact and infection and move on with my life. And the second was the fact the entire doctor’s visit, plus the antibiotics I’m taking, cost around $130. That’s not really a hit to me (at least in terms of what I need, in actuality it was about a third of all the money I had on me at the time) and I’m glad I went but I just wish it was… I don’t know, something. I guess I’m just annoyed I had to pay such a large price for a condition that ultimately lead to being a fairly common and easily treatable condition.

I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, I’ll continue to thank God for this being a false cancer scare, but I still can’t feel great about all of this. Again, not from the standpoint of it being false, but just the idea that I felt so close to death. My life has been going really well recently so my thought was I’m having all of this taken away after a lifetime of pain and suffering. Like the one tinge of happiness I get will all be for nothing. That being said it has given me a new perspective. To come so close I brushed the cloak of death only to find it was essentially the blinds covering my window.

I really don’t want to let life pass me by. I have all these opportunities to become so much greater and have an amazing life. I am absolutely not going to waste it. I’m not saying that I’m going to immediately change my life starting this moment! But maybe something closer to “I should cherish what I have a bit more” or “Maybe take a few risks, seeing as how life is fairly short and you never know how long you have”. All things considered I’m pretty young and, if I have a good diet and exercise more regularly, I could extend ‘the prime of my life’ near indefinitely. I keep thinking about all the things I want: to find love and see my spouse walk down the aisle on our wedding day, maybe to play in the yard with our future kids and pets, to wake up each morning with a smile on my face as I remember how amazing my life is. Sappy or not small ideas like that really keep me going.

Currently – 10/21/19 (Disappointed, Diet, Scared)

I guess I kind of have to explain something off the bat. I’m not really on a diet, so to speak. I do try to, and have kept up with it for some bit of consistency, continue intermittent fasting and I eat a mostly vegan diet with light exercise but I wouldn’t necessarily say I’m on a ‘diet’. Like from the stand point I’m restricting myself certain foods in an effort to become thinner or healthier but I wouldn’t call it a diet rather more of a lifestyle choice. So if I decided, being mostly vegan, to eat a burger with fried chicken and cheese slathered fries (or chips, depending on where you live) I could do that… barring the fact it would just straight up destroy my stomach for hours.

That being said I did something really stupid with my diet. Last night I was having some immense problems sleeping seeing as how I usually go to bed around 10 pm but I just barely could sleep at 12 am. As a result I was completely messed up in terms of energy for a long time and, knowing I had class that I have to stay awake for, I went to get some coffee. While in the line waiting to pay I saw some really not great for me junk food that I got because I’m dumb and I can’t think ahead more than a few moments. Just a few minutes ago I almost completely wolfed down all of that awful, unnecessary junk food and, not only am I disappointed in myself, but my stomach also hurts.

I’ve been trying to get into better shape and, while I know this isn’t going to immediately derail all that I’ve done, it just feels like I’ve screwed up everything. Mostly my ‘dieting’ choices are more to promote better eating habits, lessen cravings and increase my overall willpower. My being vegan is more to assist with that and because of all the environmental havoc going on I can’t in good conscience eat animal products without feeling at least slightly guilty. So right now I’m really just disappointed that I, in a moment of weakness, did something really dumb. I thought I was better than this.

Alright so I may be overacting a bit (I mean I literally just devoted three paragraphs to it so, ya, probably). I think right now I’m kind of just spiraling with a lot of emotions going on. I had to leave the class for a pretty significant amount of time because, for the first time since I was a kid, I started having serious chest pains. I think this is due to the fact that I’m seriously crushing on someone in the class right now. I hesitate to say anything, mostly from the standpoint I don’t want that information to be revealed, but also whenever I talk about really really liking someone everything seems to go wrong and the whole thing explodes in my face.

I’m not really obsessed with this person but I’m definitely going out of my way to get into situations where I can interact with them. I am being respectful of their space as much as possible, of course. I’m not going to, essentially, stalk them or anything creepy like that. I’m absolutely not that type of person. I’m just not sure what to do here. If my feelings are rebuked then I have to spend nearly a year being around this person until we can quietly forget the other person existed. Of course there’s this possibility that it could end up being great and we have a whirlwind romance which leads to moving in together and getting married. I really hate having these feelings…