Currently – 10/21/19 (Disappointed, Diet, Scared)

I guess I kind of have to explain something off the bat. I’m not really on a diet, so to speak. I do try to, and have kept up with it for some bit of consistency, continue intermittent fasting and I eat a mostly vegan diet with light exercise but I wouldn’t necessarily say I’m on a ‘diet’. Like from the stand point I’m restricting myself certain foods in an effort to become thinner or healthier but I wouldn’t call it a diet rather more of a lifestyle choice. So if I decided, being mostly vegan, to eat a burger with fried chicken and cheese slathered fries (or chips, depending on where you live) I could do that… barring the fact it would just straight up destroy my stomach for hours.

That being said I did something really stupid with my diet. Last night I was having some immense problems sleeping seeing as how I usually go to bed around 10 pm but I just barely could sleep at 12 am. As a result I was completely messed up in terms of energy for a long time and, knowing I had class that I have to stay awake for, I went to get some coffee. While in the line waiting to pay I saw some really not great for me junk food that I got because I’m dumb and I can’t think ahead more than a few moments. Just a few minutes ago I almost completely wolfed down all of that awful, unnecessary junk food and, not only am I disappointed in myself, but my stomach also hurts.

I’ve been trying to get into better shape and, while I know this isn’t going to immediately derail all that I’ve done, it just feels like I’ve screwed up everything. Mostly my ‘dieting’ choices are more to promote better eating habits, lessen cravings and increase my overall willpower. My being vegan is more to assist with that and because of all the environmental havoc going on I can’t in good conscience eat animal products without feeling at least slightly guilty. So right now I’m really just disappointed that I, in a moment of weakness, did something really dumb. I thought I was better than this.

Alright so I may be overacting a bit (I mean I literally just devoted three paragraphs to it so, ya, probably). I think right now I’m kind of just spiraling with a lot of emotions going on. I had to leave the class for a pretty significant amount of time because, for the first time since I was a kid, I started having serious chest pains. I think this is due to the fact that I’m seriously crushing on someone in the class right now. I hesitate to say anything, mostly from the standpoint I don’t want that information to be revealed, but also whenever I talk about really really liking someone everything seems to go wrong and the whole thing explodes in my face.

I’m not really obsessed with this person but I’m definitely going out of my way to get into situations where I can interact with them. I am being respectful of their space as much as possible, of course. I’m not going to, essentially, stalk them or anything creepy like that. I’m absolutely not that type of person. I’m just not sure what to do here. If my feelings are rebuked then I have to spend nearly a year being around this person until we can quietly forget the other person existed. Of course there’s this possibility that it could end up being great and we have a whirlwind romance which leads to moving in together and getting married. I really hate having these feelings…

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Currently – 10/11/19 (Family, Money, Diet)

Continuing the tales of my dad calling me in a drug fueled haze, completely unaware of his surroundings trying to get me to do inane tasks for him believing I’m nearby when I’m actually over 100 miles away and in a different county then my mom is forced to correct him and I’ve just wasted a few minutes and my patience is just a bit thinner. There’s probably a better way to word that but I feel like I need to properly voice how annoyed I am by all of this. Not only did I get a call last night, right as I was making dinner and my dad decided to share some disgusting and weird details, but also today.

If I’m being completely honest I think my dad is nearing death right now and I honestly don’t really care. That seems cold and monstrous but he wasn’t a good dad and we were never close. He’s only recently tried to connect with me, despite the two of us spending years together in the same home, specifically because he’s dying (although I know he won’t admit that). These past few years have just been an absolute drain, the final dragged out woes of a dying man desperately trying to make up for the wrong doing he did to me as a kid with small and pathetic gestures. I won’t be happy when he dies and I don’t think I’ll be sad. I’ll simply accept it and try to move on with my life using him as a constant reminder of the type of father I will never be.

Alright, just felt like I needed to get that out of the way and off my chest. In terms of my day it was okay. I got a check from my job and felt a need to spend some, seeing as how I have enough money to pay off my bills when that need arises. I bought some cook books because I want to just be healthier in general, also a book on making kombucha which I’ve been interested in for a while. I also bought some small groceries in preparation to make some healthier lunches to eat at school as well as finally the wrist watch I’ve been meaning to get for a long time.

If I’m being honest I don’t think the exercise is going too well. It might be because I’m not doing it frequently enough, not enough in general or I’m just too fat so my folds (for lack of a better term) are just getting in the way of a proper work out. I’m absolutely not going to quit but I need to make more changes than doing a few reps every single day which is why I’ve put some effort into, hopefully, trying to make better food for myself. Eating delicious food is always great but I can eat well and good food while also making it healthier for me.

I should really do some research on alternative diets and such. I’ve been watching a few videos on intermittent fasting and that seems like something I’m already doing but need to maximize how I’m doing it. Essentially what I’ll do is on the weekdays eat lunch and dinner but on the weekends its kind of random. I feel like if I cut out snacking and really tighten down the window that I eat my, now healthier, food I could drastically improve my quality of life. Time will tell but, if all goes well, I’ll be a bit leaner and maybe healthier in general. Now I just need to find a workout that’s perfect for me…

Currently – 10/9/19 (Social, Family, Exercise)

For once I… actually had a not great day at class. I’m not sure why, everything was going well. I guess I just started to feel left out near the end of the day for a superficial reason that doesn’t really warrant mentioning. I kind of just felt this deep loneliness well up inside of me, despite being around other people who wanted me to talk. Maybe its just a chemical problem in my brain or something. I don’t know.

Further pushing the bad part of the day in my dad called me out of nowhere, during the class, just to ramble on about some dumb stuff. Talking about how I sounded angry on the phone yesterday or something. As he was talking I could hear his face was swelled up, like his mouth just couldn’t form words properly. Not wanting the conversation to go on for any longer than it had to I just placated him, saying I wasn’t trying to hang up as quickly as possible. I was mad, actually. He called me yesterday in a concealed effort to snipe at me and call me out for perceived laziness.

A few hours later my mom called me up to ‘check up’ on me as well. She explained my dad was just completely out of it mentally and I could hear him on the other end as she yelled out what I was saying all the while I was trying to forget about the day and relax for a bit. This annoyance with my parents may seem unusual or even cruel considering my dad is basically on his death bed with cancer but I’m not going to go into too much detail. Basically they’ve been doing this stuff all my life and, even now nearly pushing 30, I can’t escape from them treating me like a child. It was annoying when I was a teenager when they did this which told me they had no faith in me, now its degrading and just brings back old memories. I can’t help but feel they stunted my growth which has lead to me today being socially inept, single and about as sexually knowledgeable as an average teenager.

So I guess I want to channel these feelings into something more productive. Before it was food and video games now its… well its still food and video games but maybe lets fit some exercise into it. I keep catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror and immediately disliking everything I see. I don’t really want to be ripped but I really just want to tone everything down to a point where if I took off my shirt I wouldn’t be embarrassed. I looked up some videos on how to tighten up my core, and now my recommendations have been pushing even more stuff on me. I found some pretty rigorous things online that I’ve been doing every morning, afternoon and night and I actually feel really good and have seen some decent results in just a few days. Hopefully I can keep up with this.

Currently – 10/4/19 (Fast, Exercise, Bored)

I think I’ve said this before but I’ve been trying to fast on Fridays, with the hope I’ll eventually push this into weekends. Unfortunately that didn’t quite work out today. I think it was because I ate way too much yesterday and then it just made me painfully hungry. This is more of a trial period where I’m trying to get used to fasting regularly so any screw up on my point I’m just going to pretend was for research. Now I can never be criticized!

The point of the fasting is an attempt to force my body into a state of ketosis, which I’ve heard forces your body to burn fat instead of muscle. I definitely need to do more research on the subject and I would caution you to do the same and not follow what I’m doing. For some weird reason my body is still really sore from doing some sit ups from Wednesday night so exercising right now doesn’t seem like the best plan. I guess I’m more out of shape than I previously realized.

Right now I’m just sitting here wondering what I can do. Apart from doing homework ahead of the due date there’s not much else. Although, I may do that just so I can free up my week which is a sensible idea. I kind of want to just call someone up or… do something. I have no idea. I’m trying to save money so my options are limited and its actually kind of late as I’m writing this. I guess I’ll just go to sleep and wait for work tomorrow.

Currently – 9/1/19 (Disappointed, Friend, Work)

Last post I talked about how I just needed to give someone time and wait for them to come and talk to me. That was a feeble attempt to game the universe into shining down some good stuff on me for once. I had the urge to take my phone with me while I did my pre-bedtime stuff. Turns out the universe decided to give me the shaft again and I dropped my phone on the tile floor. The phone works but its now cracked and I have the means to repair it eventually should I choose to do so. Thought right now it just looks like an eyesore. Its like the equivalent of spilling wine on the carpet. You can get it cleaned but it will cost money and in the meantime its just a constant reminder of a screw up.

Unfortunately no one seemed interested in chatting with me today whatsoever. Making matters worse is I am fully aware of their reasons to not talk with me and trying to talk to them will only net silence at best or them snapping at me at worse. I fully understand and accept giving people space but does that have to come at the cost of me being lonely? I’m not asking for anything huge, I just want to chat on occasion. Its been actual weeks since I’ve spoken to either of them so this has been going on for a long time. Maybe I just need to forget about them for a bit and hope they’ll come back. If not… I don’t know what to do.

Today was maybe my last day of overtime. I’m not entirely sure as I’m thinking that I might have to do tomorrow morning as well. I’m prepared for it at least. It was easier than I thought it would be. Just an extended version of what I was already doing. Waking up earlier was slightly annoying but it wasn’t the worst and I already should be waking up earlier in general just to get in the habit for when I get a full time job. Personally I just want to go back to counting the days until I have to go to my classes. Next Monday is fast approaching.

I’ve been exercising a bit more. It feels a little better each day. I’m hoping to make more of a habit of it if possible and potentially branch out more. Right now its just a few stretches whenever the thought pops in my head. But I do it in the morning as early as I can muster so I can start my day off with a good activity. At the very least I can look to it and know I did at least one good and productive thing all day.

Currently – 8/30/19 (Rest, Work, Body)

So I actually did do some productive stuff today. Not much but its something. Basically just stretched out my body a bit pretending it was light exercise. All joking aside it was something marginally healthy that I can do and it wasn’t hard at all. If I do it often I could maybe get into better shape but also make it a habit. My biggest problem with exercising is I do a bit, put it off and forget about it until its too late.

Tomorrow I’m going to be starting my overtime work, I guess you could say. It was a bit more complicated when it was explained to me, and if I’m honest I forgot most of the explanation, but I think I can do this. Its just for two days, like always. My work hours have just been increased. The extra money will be nice to have and I know I can do this.

I’ve been noticing some weird changes in my body as of late. Yesterday I talked about how my eye just started hurting for seemingly no reason. Well I checked afterwards and I just have this bruise underneath my eye? I don’t even know how it got there. As if that wasn’t bad enough I’ve got this mark on my shoulder that is only now healing up. Sometimes it just feels like my body is rotting away.

Currently – 8/28/19 (Creativity, Depression, Fine)

I think I have a problem. My writing has taken a deep curve downwards and it doesn’t seem like its getting back up. I have a few ideas but right now I just need to voice that things are bad. My original idea that it would be in a somewhat completed state by the end of the month and, subsequently, before my classes started. It doesn’t seem like that is going to happen. At best I am halfway done with the book and after that I have to edit it to make sure there aren’t any errors as well as in a state that I am comfortable sharing. The book is still something I want to work on and finish but the timeline I created has changed.

My depressive state hasn’t changed much which is disappointing to say the least. I think that’s the major factor in me not being able to write which is annoying for a multitude of reasons. Despite what other media has romanticized, no, depression and bad experiences does not make you a good writer. The best way to describe depression is like a weight that is resting on you. The longer you allow it to stay there the harder it is to get off and it also hinders your ability to do pretty much anything… like getting those weights off. Right now I just feel lonely, which you’d think would be easy to get rid of but it isn’t. That being said I know why I feel like this so its not so bad because at least I know the reason.

Spent most of the day just trying to take my mind off it. I sat in front of a screen and just was sad, as weird as that sounds. Something that did help me was I remembered that Netflix updated a show I really like with another season: The Good Place. It helped a bit, at least from the standpoint I could actually laugh so that was nice. Right now I feel like I’m in a somewhat neutral state… but closer to sad so maybe not so neutral. But I do feel better so that’s nice.

I did go out today for some small things. Got something I’ve wanted to get for a while and a yoga mat. Maybe tomorrow I’ll try out some more yoga? Probably not but I can always hope. I just want to do something productive so I can not feel like a lazy sack of fat. I think I should try and force myself to write a bit more regardless if I want to. Maybe just change up my routine a bit and that will shake something up.