Currently – 9/9/19 (Followers!, School, Writing)

Just a quick aside before I get into all of this. I just found out that I recently got fifty followers! This is actually really cool and I’m so glad that so many like this blog enough to follow it. I never could have dreamed of getting this many people to follow me. I know that sounds like a small number but considering I’m just talking about my life on a daily basis in what is essentially an online diary that’s pretty significant in my book. I’m really grateful to all of you for sticking around.

Today was my first day of class. I was pretty nervous and second guessing myself the entire time. I kept fidgeting in my chair, fixing my clothes and when one person talked directly to me I felt kind of weirded out because I thought I was going to be looked over this entire semester. Although my hair did look pretty ridiculous so there’s one thing. I also thought I was going to be immediately dropped from the class but… so far no! The class itself is still pretty intimidating. I haven’t talked about it but I’m training to become a medical assistant and one of the things the teacher made very clear was that not only would we be using needles but to practice we would eventually be using needles… on ourselves for practice. Okay so I’m confident enough in my ability to assist in administering or even giving myself… but the thought of having others ACTUALLY sticking a needle in me is… no.

All that aside, I’m going to really try hard in this class. It really feels like my life is moving forward and I absolutely don’t want to change that at all. Well… I mean I want my life to change for the better and I meant that I don’t want to stagnate. A lot of my fears have sort of gone away for the most part (though I still do have fears) but this really feels like my life is going to change for the better. Provided that I actually put in the work and time to do so, of course. The future is looking pretty bright now.

My theory was correct when I thought that getting into this class would help me with my writing more, in some way. In class I came up with two separate ideas for books one of which is pretty original from my own personal knowledge. In the same idea I’ve decided to put the book I was working on before on hold. I’m disappointed but I think it would be better overall. That doesn’t mean I’m not going to write at all, in fact I’ve started on something else, or that I’m ditching the book and concept. I think the previous thing I was working on was taking a lot of effort and I was stuck more often than not because I had to keep researching historical events that the story was based on. This new story is a lot more from my own mind so it should be easier to write… hopefully.

Another class tomorrow so I’m going to try and get an early sleep. I’ll do my best to make this work and actually put in effort this time. I’ve been coasting through life too much and then get mad or sad when things don’t go my way. I’m going to put my best foot forward and really make the best of this situation. I’m not being too optimistic about this and thinking that its going to be easy or absolutely a sure fire thing. I will say that given the time and proper effort this could turn into something great. And maybe more great things will come out of it as a result.

Currently – 8/21/19 (Effort, Surprise, Tired)

I’m happy to say that I actually did some more work on the book. Granted it wasn’t a lot but any amount of work is still work. It feels like I have to force myself but when I do I feel like the words gradually come to me more naturally. I’m still not doing the amount I’d like to be doing but I’m not going to beat myself up for trying. Eventually I may get back to my old strides but only time will tell.

Today I had an… unexpected surprise that was very pleasant. I’m hesitant to say anymore out of fear I’ll somehow jinx it. It put a lot of what I was thinking about into perspective and made me realize I was wrong in some areas. As a generally pessimistic person I like being proved wrong… provided that being proved wrong is pleasant, of course. I won’t say much more because of the past experiences where I’ve been excited and shared what I was excited about only to have it blow up in my face, so I think I’ll just keep this to myself and the only indication I give others is an uncharacteristic grin.

I had a run in with my old job on two different accounts. Rather I should say I had a run in with former coworkers. I always felt it was a bit awkward to see them because I thought they all knew I was ‘coerced’ into ‘resigning’ but as the days go by it feels less and less horrible. I’ve come to accept what happened, owned up to the fact I was at fault and I’m trying to move on. For the most part its working. Though its a lot more difficult seeing as how its my family’s business and I’m always privy to the ins and outs. At the very least the constant barrage of family telling me to jump ship because the business that had been around decades before I was born was going to crumble, reminding me that this is due to my grandfather’s passing, has been lessened.

In a few weeks I’m going to start my classes. My mom keeps bringing it up asking me if I’m excited. I’ll refer you to the previous statement on why I don’t get excited for things anymore. This could be good. I keep hearing that I’m pretty much guaranteed a job offer after the class is over so that’s cool. I have my own part time job and it doesn’t seem like it would conflict with either the class or the potential job in the future. I’m just worried about getting burned out working 7 days a week. Though if the job is good I may consider getting my own place and moving out.

Currently 8/20/19 (Effort, Trying, Tired)

This morning I tried to write but for whatever reason I was just drawing a blank. And this isn’t an excuse or a lie, I literally sat there for almost thirty minutes and couldn’t write anything. I think right now I just need to get back into the writing mood. My poor state as of late has been really creatively stifling so I just have to find it again.

On the same note, my mood and general mental state is better. Less sleeping in for hours and more I have no creativity. Suffice it to say I’d rather have a creative lull than complete lack of energy to get up and do basic survival needs. I still have these little stupid moments but overall I feel a lot better. I think what I need now is to just move on and try to get on with my life.

My classes are going to be starting soon. I’ll still do my best to update the blog on a daily basis but forgive me in advance if that becomes a problem. My biggest concern would be not being able to write consistently on my book and… ya that’s already a problem. I guess there’s that whole bit of being awkward around people and trying to get to know people. I think my biggest problem when it comes to interacting with people is I look fairly normal but its my demeanor and general behaviors that make people dislike me. I do have a scar problem on my body but everyone is polite enough not to say anything about it or otherwise doesn’t notice it so there’s nothing really to clock me as a semi antisocial person immediately. Its really annoying to have people genuinely seem to take an interest in me, either just to be friendly or ‘something more’, only to have them completely abandon me out of nowhere leaving me to obsess over if I did something wrong.

I really hate going into that mental state. I try to put forth this energy of “I don’t care what you think about me” but that quickly goes out the window the second a text or an attempt to strike up a conversation is ignored for more than a few hours. I guess its how I try to treat everyone. My personal philosophy is to treat another person like a priority. Of course life stuff gets in the way, like how I occasionally have to take my dad to various doctor appointments, but even in that case I always try to take time out to tell the person I’m busy but I’ll get back to them. I never understand people who just decide to ignore calls or texts when they clearly have the time to talk to that person.

I’m very much a “Treat others on how you would like to be treated” type of person. However I often default to a “Treat others how they’ve treated you” which definitely isn’t the same, healthy or decent. That was my biggest problem with a recent incident. I’m trying to stick to the first part because I think that being nice to others is just good all around. Maybe they’ll be nice to you in return… or they’ll be terrible to you and you can claim the moral high ground. Alright, that last part was a bit of a joke but I’d be lying if there wasn’t a kernel of truth in it.

Currently – 8/3/19 (Work, Time, Disappointed?)

I guess I’m kind of back into the groove of writing more so… yay! I did much more than three times of previous writing day. I guess my only problem is I wrote a character that I’m not totally sure on. I think she’s great but I feel like others might have a problem with her. Debating on reworking her but on the one side I don’t want to offend people needlessly but on the other she is… somewhat accurate to the time period but I also made it so she’s not entirely offensive when looked at in the context of the full story. Definitely shaky on this.

More work today. This job is pretty easy. I guess my one gripe is that I’m not really sure what the pay is going to be like as well as I’m basically just uncomfortable the entire time. Not in the sense of “This feels weird” more like I have to interact with others and I’m not sure how to do it right now. In any case its really easy and I can do this and its a job so… no real complaints.

I texted my friend some time ago. Actually I should say that I texted her yesterday and she was busy and said she’d come back later and then I texted her today. She was tired today so we didn’t talk. Kind of disappointed, I guess? You can really tell I’m stretching for content here. I guess something else is going on but due to my own personal fears and superstitions I’m not going to mention it. It really seems like any time I’m doing good or something good is happening in my life and I tell someone about it then it goes extremely poorly and I don’t want that to happen here.

I don’t really feel happy or sad right not. Not sure if I’m numb or just feeling sort of cautious. Like I’m trying to keep as neutral of a mood as possible so I don’t get forced into feeling bad. That’s not a great way to live but right now I feel like stuff is stable right now and there’s no need to rock the boat. Just sail smoothly on calm waters. I guess the only thing I’m watching out for is in September which is when I’m supposed to go to classes. I hope that goes well and it gives me a pleasant well paying job. I think the first thing I’m going to do with that first check is look into therapy.

Currently – 8/2/19 (Effort, Writing, Future)

I got some work done. It wasn’t as much as I wanted but it was more than what I had done previously the day before so that was good. Basically my ideal day of writing is an entire chapter, which doesn’t seem sensible but I’m actually capable of doing that on a good day and if the story is flowing well. I’ve done it a fair amount and ideally I’d like to keep up with that. Unfortunately that’s not always possible.

Usually my interest in a story starts to wain in the first few chapters. That’s both for me reading/watching and writing. Basically time is short and if its not working then there’s a bevy of content out there that I can find or create. While this does work for me when I’m consuming content you can obviously see where this falters when it comes to creating. Being absolutely honest, if I could just sell my ideas I would never have to worry about money ever again. I literally come up with at least one new story a day. I’m definitely trying to get out of this mindset from a creating standpoint.

So the writing is actually going okay so far. I guess my biggest concern is that the chapters are a bit short. Usually I’ll have smaller shorter chapters at the beginning. This is both from the standpoint of keeping content concise and neat as well as compact but also I very much dislike extremely long opening chapters period. I don’t care what book it is, if your chapter is going on for a massive amount of time I’m dropping it. Biggest problem I have is I often see that its been artificially lengthened because while five or less pages gets across everything in a clean and functional matter people might feel weird that its so short. My personal basis is that its better for a beginning reader so they can get into the story more easily without being assaulted by a wall of text but also just make the chapter as long as it functionally needs to be. What do you guys think?

I’m not even remotely sure when I will be in a place to actually release the book. I’ve said before that I’m thinking about creating a separate blog and just posting it there because it doesn’t seem to fit this format. I would also see how someone could be eagerly waiting for the next chapter only to be disappointed because I’m posting this. Obviously I will link when I’m done with this so you can all read it but that’s my stance. The book itself is… somewhat short? I’m not entirely sure. Its definitely not going to have a sequel because I’m not interested in that.

Just realized that I spent multiple paragraphs talking about my book. Life is going pretty well as of late. Been doing a lot of self reflecting and I’m coming to a state where I feel… better. Not good or healthy or even just in the right place but slowly getting into a better state. Some other stuff is happening but I don’t really feel like talking about that for various reasons. I guess next month I’ll be starting classes soon but I feel like I can continue to update the blog in the same manner, although if that changes I will let you all know. So ya… not bad.

Currently – 8/1/19 (Continuation, Effort, Life)

First off I just want to say thank you. Its been two months since I’ve started this blog. I don’t have a lot but to the ones I do have I just want to offer my sincere thanks. This blog has been so helpful for me in so many ways. The idea that anyone came here to read this stuff is beyond me and the fact that I have a bunch of followers is really awesome. Its been a major boost for me and I just wanted to express my deep thanks for being with me for so long. I still want to do a lot with this blog in the coming future so stay tuned for that.

Today I tried a bit. Wrote a little bit but it wasn’t really coming to me. Instead of just giving up and I gave it a bit more effort. Did some research, rewrote stuff. Unfortunately I didn’t get much work done at all but I can at least say I gave it my best shot. I personally believe its important to accept when you can’t do something but also congratulate effort and trying. I’m guessing that I just need to get back into the swing of things by continuing to force myself to work. In any case, I’ll keep trying.

Today was somewhat pleasant, actually. There was this bit in the morning where I had to help my mom get my stubborn dad into the car which took some effort and time but that was it. For the rest of the day I felt okay and then later my mom brought some vegetable curry to me. I can’t remember the last time I had curry so that was a really nice surprise. I had plenty of free time and never really felt forced to do anything. Pretty decent, all things considered.

I’ve been thinking about exercising again. Biggest problem is I just don’t have the drive to do it, but if its like writing then my guess is if I just work at it enough and frequently I could get the desire to just do it. I’m kind of… big so its less about an overweight problem. More to do with health and just making myself look better. I kind of want to do some yoga but I can’t find any real good tutorials for beginners. That being said I can’t remember the last time I looked up any guides so maybe tomorrow I’ll look up some on YouTube. I think yoga would be best for me since I don’t really want to have immense muscles or anything like that rather just tone up some areas and be generally more healthy.

Currently – 7/29/19 (Writing, Effort, Understanding)

While I didn’t do any work in the book I did create an outline. I was disappointed with the beginning of the last chapter I was writing. It just didn’t seem right. So to make this, hopefully, easier on myself I made out sort of a timeline. It especially helpful considering the story takes place during a real event which was my main problem. Now it, should be, less of a problem! I think tomorrow I’ll try to use it and hopefully I can get back on track.

I started shopping at a dollar store some time ago, even when I had money. Now its become more of a necessity to go there now that I lack gainful employment. I usually like to pick up a bunch of things and just keep them around so I don’t go out and spend money on fast food… as often. So today I made just a whole bunch of rice and beans. I’m getting pretty decent at it so I’m happy with that. Before all this I legitimately didn’t know how to properly make beans and now I do. Also I’ve been cooking rice a little differently. I usually just do the rice cooker easy mode type stuff but since I don’t have one with me I now do it on the stove top. I’ve also been thinking about how I can make deserts or sweets with small amounts of food and with cheaper ingredients. I think when I can afford to ruin those ingredients I’ll give it a shot.

I’ve been thinking a lot about how I’ve been acting. This is definitely not the type of person I want to be or how I want people to react to me. I desperately want people to look up to me, not in the sense of being a leader or an example but rather I’m a decent and successful person. I think what I really want most of all is to share my life with someone. But whenever I look at what I have I wonder “Who would want to share this with me?” I spend most of my time in an okay sized room slacking off, waiting for something or someone to come and change my life. I’m not saying I’m going to be proactive in finding that but I think I need to reevaluate what I’m doing, what I want and what I’m doing to get there.