Currently – 10/30/19 (Class, Relationships, Effort)

Today was a little unusual but nothing that really needs mentioning in specific details. What I was proud of was how easily I was able to handle it, I suppose. I kind of just rolled with the punches, metaphorically speaking, and came out on the other end pretty okay. I guess putting myself out there is really helpful, both for my life in general but also growing as a person. Doing stuff that puts me out of my comfort zone, even if just for a moment, has really made my life a lot better. I’ll definitely try to do more of it though in a sensible and grounded way over a period of time. I’m not going to do anything crazy like going bungee jumping any time soon… or ever if I’m being honest.

As you can probably tell I don’t really have a great track record with relationships. In a general sense but more so in my ability to accurately understand how people feel about me and how to properly process this. Lately I’ve been noticing that people kind of keep glancing towards me or trying to get closer. My first instinct is to just dismiss this as a one time thing or just something I noticed but often times I’ll be reminded of this and I can’t help but try to figure out what they’re feeling. I guess its because I haven’t had any friends for a long time, though that’s not to say I’ve never had any just the ones I’ve had have been there for literally over a decade so I’ve come to be familiar with all of their actions and etc to the point where I can easily just read what’s going on with them. So I keep getting looks from, specifically women, in my class on occasion which I think I’m going to just assume it was an occasional thing that doesn’t really merit putting much thought into.

Unfortunately today was not the day that I was able to ‘confess’ to this person my feelings, for better or worse. Kind of goes hand in hand with the unusual day and I’m going to take this as a sign the universe has told me that I should probably not confess my feelings any time soon… I think. Okay ya this is pretty frustrating just trying to both be honest but also find the exact right time for everything to actually work and not leave me a sobbing mess over ruining another good thing. So… I have no idea what to do as usual.

I think the problem is I’m trying to read this person’s actions as being a way to essentially clue me into the idea they’re into me but those cues aren’t universal (as I’ve figured out over a near lifetime of trying to apply them to every day life). I guess its like that devil/angel on the shoulder but in my case its two dueling ideas both screaming opposing things in each ear. I really really really want to get to know this person better and form a relationship with them but I’m also afraid of what may happen should I fail. Though I guess it could tie into my beginning statement about how getting out of my comfort zone actually is good. However that kind of only works when I’m doing it to myself and doing it to another person may not be what they want at all.

I have time to sort this out but definitely not an infinite amount of time. All of these great qualities I see in this person are qualities others see in them and most of those people may also see them as desirable. I’m not going to treat this person like a prize or an object, they absolutely do not deserve that. They are a person with their own thoughts, feelings and emotions. I understand this and accept it. Unfortunately it feels like I’m at an impasse. I can go no further with my current abilities. What is in front of me must be surmounted or abandoned.

Currently – 10/22/19 (Class, Effort, Father)

Due to some events today I got to spend more time with the person I like. We talked and it was really nice and I got to know more about them. I was planning on asking them to hang out some time but I chickened out a bit but I kind of hinted at it so there’s that. Small victories, I suppose. Either way I enjoyed talking to them and learning more about them so its definitely a win-win.

The more posts I write on this blog the more… paranoid I get that someone in my life will discover it and put the pieces together. For some stuff its kind of just embarrassing but for others, say if I was attracted to someone and wanted to be in a relationship with them, could blow up in my face really easily. Its somewhat irrational but at the same time its a fear nonetheless. As it stands I’ll try to keep information as brief and vague as necessary. Even if the person I liked discovered that I liked them via this blog and felt the same way there’s also the fact this blog goes back a lot further and I’m not exactly proud of every single post’s content.

That being said, something happened in class which really made me think about the effort I’m putting in. I got back a test with a score that I was less than happy with. It was passing but just barely and came with a bunch of caveats like the fact I missed a few questions simply for being impatient. Both from the standpoint that the class is expensive and a few of my family members put up the money to have me go I definitely have an incentive to put that little extra bit of effort in. I’ve said this before but I really want to be a better and more complete person, as well as actually pass the class and potentially get a better job.

After class I was driving back home when my mom called me. My dad is pretty much in his last days at this point and she made it clear I should see him as he isn’t going to last much longer. Problem is they’re staying over a hundred miles away and I still have to put the work in for this class on a constant day to day basis. But I caved to her wishes and drove to see him. He wasn’t even really aware I was there and I could see the pain in both my mom and brother’s faces as they must have been caring for him for a while. I still have my hang ups about the man but I’m not cruel enough to deny him seeing me one final time before he passes on.

The scene really reminded me of something from my past. My dad, brother and I traveled to see his family out of state halfway across the country. The trip was fine until we went to a hospice center where I found out my grandmother was in her final days confined to a hospital bed as Alzheimer’s was slowly taking away everything she had. I never knew her despite having a single picture with us together so meeting her felt like I was looking at a stranger. In an effort to not be rude I complied with my dad’s wishes to talk to this woman who wasn’t even aware any of us were there. I said things that I thought were appropriate but didn’t feel, not from the standpoint of being cold or dislike of the woman just that I didn’t know her. So now I sat at what will most likely be my father’s final bed simply being nice to a person I was lukewarm at best with for a significant portion of my life. May I be a better father and man than he was.

Currently – 10/6/19 (Work, Friend, Class)

Pretty standard day at work. Did the bare minimum of work, made some food, played video games. Okay I’m kind of joking about the minimum work part. I’m thankful for this job, as I believe I’ve said this before, but a big part of me wants some more freedom. In between a long class, lots of homework and a job on the weekends I really don’t have a lot of free time on my hands. Even worse when people realize that I have Friday ‘off’ and then think “You have a day off! Great! That means you can run errands for me!” I know most people are going to be hard workers who are just trying to get by but I fundamentally can’t get behind the idea of being a workaholic or hurting yourself just to get by. Props to you if you do that but personally I feel its somewhat immoral, for lack of a better word, to live in a culture that basically forces you to forego your well being in order to survive.

Had a very small, minor, tiny, pretty insignificant interaction with my friend today. The reason I bring it up is because it seems like, and I certainly hope, we could end up talking more regularly again after my screw up. I have something I’d like to discuss with her but I’m not sure she’s interested in talking to me just yet. Either way, its… something? Look I’ll take whatever I can get. I understand I am at fault and I’ll let her decide if she wants to bridge the gap.

Writing this before I go to bed so I can be ready for my class again. There’s a lot I need to brush up on and actually start doing. I’m really just getting by at this point and I feel like I need to put my nose to the grindstone, so to speak. To my credit I have been putting in a bit more effort, though I need to put in more admittedly. I guess its just my adherence to admit that I need help on stuff that I’m not great with, which is better than just screwing up and staying quiet about it especially if this is going to roll over into a job, potentially. In any case, hope to see you in my next post. Goodnight!

Currently – 9/16/19 (Sleep, Sick, School)

Started out my day in an interesting way: my dad calling me up at 2 am to question me on something he has no knowledge of from being given false information because his mind is so gone he can’t even distinguish between time, sleep schedules and how dark it is outside. So… ya. He woke me up at 2 in the morning just to question me about missing a class… which I haven’t, and my only recourse was to quickly correct him and go back to sleep. My best guess for the reason I woke up was because I thought it was my friend contacting me as I am a pretty deep sleeper. Disappointed to say the least.

Looking at the title you can already guess that I’m still sick, albeit not as bad as yesterday. A few sneezes and coughs with some congestion but I’m still trying to get through the day. I think later I’ll take a long hot shower and then get some tea. Ideally I would just straight up eat some raw onions to clear my sinuses but that’s probably not possible. Instead I’ll just continue to drink as much water as possible in an effort to flush my system.

I did go to school today, partially to spite my dad if I’m being honest. I think my mom saw me on Friday not going to class and immediately assumed without asking me then mentioned it to my dad. My best guess is tomorrow I’ll be forced to correct them to which they’ll deflect their accusatory statement to be one of weak praise. If you can’t tell by my writing tone right now I am pretty bitter.

Anyways, school. We’re starting some more practical stuff now which is my weakness so that’s good. Hopefully I can pick up on all of this stuff so when it is finally time for me to go out into the internship program I can be fully prepared. Still not looking forward to needles. Right now we’re working on checking vitals like blood pressure, breathing, heart rate and something else that escapes me. Like I said the actual practical applications are my biggest weakness so I’m hoping that I can get better at that. In an effort to put myself forward rather than keep my head down I volunteered to be a test subject, so that’s cool.

I guess my biggest worry is about being perceived as creepy. Throughout my time at high school (13-17) I was always the weird guy. I could handle it at times but there were moments where it was unbearable, like a friend of mine making it somewhat clear he believed me to be a school shooter which is always fun to hear from someone you thought was on your side. I actually had somewhat of a conversation with a group of people which was nice. I’m always wary not to move beyond my boundaries so interjecting myself into a currently ongoing casual discussion successfully was a nice boost to my self confidence. Now that I look back on it, today wasn’t all that bad.

Currently – 9/15/19 (Work, Sick, School)

My shift ends in a a few minutes… maybe. Its kind of nebulous. The point is I’m almost done with work. Normally I would have spent all this time playing video games… which, to be fair, I did play a lot of. But the first thing, apart from getting breakfast, I did in the morning was finish my homework. I was kind of annoyed by the large workload but once I put effort into it my annoyances slipped away and I finished it. Helped that I did the brunt of it prior to today so that was definitely a factor. If I keep this up I can definitely do it.

Right now my main concern is immediately going to sleep because I’m suffering with a particularly aggressive cold. I’m not sure why I am, though it could be the fact I keep my fans on throughout the night. I would like to say I’m a generally clean guy but that’s definitely not the case. That being said my body is really used to gross surroundings so I’ve built up my immunity somewhat over my life so getting sick is pretty unusual. I’ll probably keep the fans on and just turn them down. I usually wake up early because my body is going through night sweats or heat flashes and its extremely difficult to go back to sleep if I’m uncomfortable. In the meantime I’ve been putting hot sauce and garlic on my food in an effort to clear my sinuses as well as drinking plenty of tea and water.

Unless I feel really horrible tomorrow I’m not going to take the day off from school. Not only for the fact that I have a very limited amount of times I can be absent or late during the program before I’m dropped without a refund but two other things as well. The first is I usually flake on things. I’ve tried to convince myself its in an effort to help my mental health when situations are bad or to not be forced into bad situations like I used to. The second is the instructor made it very clear that people with a perfect attendance usually get hired more frequently than those without. So there’s a pretty big incentive to keep up with my currently perfect attendance.

Like most days now I’m still met with silence when trying to interact with my friends. I didn’t reach out today but I have a few days ago and still no response. I know that they’re probably busy but I can’t help but internalize it as a problem on my end. I had an urge to try and contact one of them but this silence is preferable to reaching out and finding nothing. I would rather wonder if they don’t want to talk than putting myself out there and having it confirmed that they don’t want to. Most likely I’ll get a message this week but I feel like not even bothering to think about it. If it happens so be it, otherwise life goes on.

I’ve been thinking about saving money for multiple reasons. Not really sure how to go about it. Not in the sense that I don’t know how to save money, although I am actually really terrible about it, rather what should I be working towards. I make an okay amount from my part time, enough to keep me alive and pay off my bills, but what do I want? I though about moving to be closer to someone but they really don’t seem interested in that so that’s off the table. Plus moving with impact my one source of income right now and the place I wanted to move to would require me to get a work visa. I’m just not sure what my path should be right now.

Currently – 9/12/19 (Weekend, Rest?, Time)

Today was the last day of my class for the week. We have four days of class then three days off. That sounds nice but the work load is pretty brutal. Next week I have something due every single day. By Monday I have to finish around twenty seven pages of work so… ya. But I’m going to try to stick with it because something good can come of this.

I’m not really sure how I’m going to balance out my time. I already know my own limits and if I don’t have some time to unwind I’m not going to be able to keep this up. Tomorrow I think I’m going to spend some time unwinding. Mostly I’m just going to do some extra hygiene stuff like a face mask not to mention sleeping in and cleaning up my room some. I’ve done some of the homework so its not like I’m doing this completely from scratch. Though I have to be careful not to get in a habit of laziness again or I’ll end up slacking off too much.

My mind does feel more active as of late. I had a real passion for the medical industry and study of medicine when I was younger so it just feels like all of this is coming back to me. I’m coming out of my shell somewhat, actually participating in class and asking questions. Right now I understand the material fairly well so my only real problem is the application when I’m finally forced to put what I’ve learned into practice. I always had a problem of falling apart under pressure so if I can’t control that then this will end up failing no matter what.

I think I just need to budget out my time sensibly. After I get back from class all I really want to do is just lay down and turn off my brain. I think its these uncomfortable chairs we’re forced to sit in. I spend most of this class fidgeting in a failed attempt to find a decent way to sit. My back, legs and arms all hurt from doing this for around seven hours a day. Not to mention having to wake up extra early so I can ensure I’m getting to the class on time.

I feel like I need to know my limits here. Can’t move forward if I’m constantly worried about being broken. That being said I will take time to rest when I can. I need to push but not at the expense of my body. I’m fairly young and there’s a bright future ahead of me that I want to experience and it would be very difficult to do so if I’m not physically able to do so. I’ve got so much I want to do.

Currently – 9/11/19 (School, Fears, Effort)

So last post was… another thing. I guess I have somewhat of a confession to make. I’m somewhat superstitious. Not to a significant degree like I don’t believe in weird or extraordinary stuff but I won’t screw around with weird things under the pretense of “If it works”. I’m the black guy in a horror movie that has half a brain as the other characters say something like “Let’s go have a raging party in the abandoned house that was once inhabited by serial killer that specifically hated teenagers and when he was caught before he died he said some weird stuff about coming back and exacting his revenge on this exact night and it just so happens to be the anniversary of his death!” Coincidentally I am a black guy so… maybe there’s something there to that. I just realized this blog has reached a lot of people outside of America so I’m not sure if that highly specific joke will scan. Let me know if it doesn’t, I like learning about other cultures.

Anyways so, I think I’ve mentioned this before but, I don’t like to talk about good things going on in my life because they always seem to blow up in my face. Now it feels like that may not happen. Of course there’s always the possibility but it feels like I’m, more or less, in some sense of control of it now. At least from the standpoint that I’m not going to let it control me being happy for little or big moments in my life. Right now things feel good and I’m going to be happy about that. I don’t want to be scared or hide things I like or I’m excited about for fear that they will be taken away from me. The only person who can take that stuff away from me is… well me and I don’t want to do that.

School is interesting right now. We’re beginning to amp up the course a bit. I’m still a little bit nervous about all this stuff and its been manifesting itself in other ways. Gross but I have dandruff and its been getting more unmanageable as time goes on. I’m thinking about buying some, apparently, medical grade shampoo to help. It has decent reviews online so I think I’ll do some more research before I fully commit to it.

Speaking of hygiene I think I’m going to trim my hair and shave my facial hair. I haven’t had a job in a while, a normal one at least, so I’ve just been letting parts of myself go. I keep fidgeting with my hair, the gross flakes that get all over my clothes and I keep getting poked by my mustache. Maybe I’ll leave some of the beard but the mustache feels like needles poking into me and I don’t need to be reminded of something I’m freaked out about right now.

I think my two biggest problems right now are adjusting into the mindset of a potential new job after this class that really goes against who I am fundamentally as a person and getting into the groove of becoming a more… realized person. I’m really awkward and have trouble talking to others and this job is very social. Talking on phones and with people? Maybe needles aren’t the thing I’m most worried about. But this is healthy. I can’t just be a shut in and I want to form meaningful relationships later in life. I doubt someone would want to marry a socially awkward person.

Its really hard to change who you are but I do want to. I really want to become someone better, someone more whole and complete. I’m jealous of people who have their lives together and kind of envious. A lot of things have gone wrong in my life but that’s no reason they have to continue going badly. You can’t find a future if you’re constantly living in the past. Then again I don’t want to obsess about the future either, rather I want to be here in the present and work towards a better future.