Currently – 10/17/19 (Off, Diligence, Work)

I keep having this habit of being happy about things that are going on in my life and then it ends up turning sour. I’m not really sure why but if I had to guess its a mental thing that makes me want to destroy things as opposed to building them up. I just felt wrong today. No real specific reason. And the problem is you can’t exactly just come out and say that to people because that’s not really a normal thing people have happen. Normal people don’t feel really happy one day and then depressed the other day for literally no reason.

If I’m being honest I think I kind of overshared. Someone asked me about the scars on my arm, which is pretty standard and a lot of people do. I trusted them and, while making it as vague as possible, made it clear that I haven’t had a good life. Suddenly this person is avoiding me now so that’s great. My go to is to say that I used to work with animals and then found out I was allergic to flea bites, which isn’t a complete lie but I think people pick up on it. Its annoying because I start to trust someone with the fact I’ve had a darker past and then they end up leaving for whatever reason.

Anyways, I am trying to be a bit more diligent. Put myself out there a bit in order to earn some experience. I also bought some optional stuff so that I could help train myself even when I’m out of class. Hopefully I can get a handle on one of my worse subjects. I really want this to work out. It feels like there’s actually something here that I could build into a life and I don’t want to mess it up. Maybe I could get myself into a better place, both in terms of location but also, and hopefully, mentally.

Honestly I’ve got more stuff to do in this class. Tomorrow I’m going to try and put my nose to the grindstone and really do what needs to be done. Maybe I can end up not just getting by but actually succeeding. It feels weird knowing I have some potential that I can use to my benefit. I just hope this isn’t a pipe dream or I screw it up somehow.

Currently – 9/15/19 (Work, Sick, School)

My shift ends in a a few minutes… maybe. Its kind of nebulous. The point is I’m almost done with work. Normally I would have spent all this time playing video games… which, to be fair, I did play a lot of. But the first thing, apart from getting breakfast, I did in the morning was finish my homework. I was kind of annoyed by the large workload but once I put effort into it my annoyances slipped away and I finished it. Helped that I did the brunt of it prior to today so that was definitely a factor. If I keep this up I can definitely do it.

Right now my main concern is immediately going to sleep because I’m suffering with a particularly aggressive cold. I’m not sure why I am, though it could be the fact I keep my fans on throughout the night. I would like to say I’m a generally clean guy but that’s definitely not the case. That being said my body is really used to gross surroundings so I’ve built up my immunity somewhat over my life so getting sick is pretty unusual. I’ll probably keep the fans on and just turn them down. I usually wake up early because my body is going through night sweats or heat flashes and its extremely difficult to go back to sleep if I’m uncomfortable. In the meantime I’ve been putting hot sauce and garlic on my food in an effort to clear my sinuses as well as drinking plenty of tea and water.

Unless I feel really horrible tomorrow I’m not going to take the day off from school. Not only for the fact that I have a very limited amount of times I can be absent or late during the program before I’m dropped without a refund but two other things as well. The first is I usually flake on things. I’ve tried to convince myself its in an effort to help my mental health when situations are bad or to not be forced into bad situations like I used to. The second is the instructor made it very clear that people with a perfect attendance usually get hired more frequently than those without. So there’s a pretty big incentive to keep up with my currently perfect attendance.

Like most days now I’m still met with silence when trying to interact with my friends. I didn’t reach out today but I have a few days ago and still no response. I know that they’re probably busy but I can’t help but internalize it as a problem on my end. I had an urge to try and contact one of them but this silence is preferable to reaching out and finding nothing. I would rather wonder if they don’t want to talk than putting myself out there and having it confirmed that they don’t want to. Most likely I’ll get a message this week but I feel like not even bothering to think about it. If it happens so be it, otherwise life goes on.

I’ve been thinking about saving money for multiple reasons. Not really sure how to go about it. Not in the sense that I don’t know how to save money, although I am actually really terrible about it, rather what should I be working towards. I make an okay amount from my part time, enough to keep me alive and pay off my bills, but what do I want? I though about moving to be closer to someone but they really don’t seem interested in that so that’s off the table. Plus moving with impact my one source of income right now and the place I wanted to move to would require me to get a work visa. I’m just not sure what my path should be right now.