Finally got around to doing some cooking. It wasn’t much, just a bunch of starter ingredients. I steamed some kale, which mildly improved the taste, and cooked some mushrooms. Not really sure what to do with all of this but… hey, its cooked and ready. I think tomorrow I’ll cook some beans I’ve been meaning to get to.
More work, in multiple ways. Of course there’s my part time job but I’m also trying to get ahead of some homework. I also missed a few assignments that I’m allowed to make up so that’s nice. I believe all the homework for Monday is finished so its just the make up and the extra stuff so I can have a bit of free time, hopefully. Not really that I can do anything with it but so be it.
Sorry for the small post size and the fact I’m doing this a lot later than I promised. I’ve just been feeling really down as of late. No one really to talk to, no one in my life. It just doesn’t feel like there’s a reason to get up in the morning. I really just want some companionship. Not necessarily in a sexual/romantic way, although that would be nice, but I really just want someone who wants to be there for me. Someone who texts me every so often just to see how I’m doing, wants to share great things going on in their life, someone I can just be near occasionally. More than anything I just want to be wanted, if that makes any sense. I want to be someone else’s reason for getting up in the morning, in a positive way.
More work today. Not much to say. Although someone did something pretty annoying to me that really set my day off. I gave myself a slightly easier task to do but someone went behind my back and switched it with something more difficult. Its taken me a long few years to get my anger under control but, I’ve got to be honest, when people do that it absolutely infuriates me. Obviously I’m not going to do anything. This job is the only thing that’s keeping me afloat.
The one problem I have with dealing with my anger is that my mood is very fleeting and changes fast. I’m not sure why but it takes a complete turn afterwards and begins amplifying my other moods. Today’s mood would be depression. I have a lot of problems that I need to essentially just vent to someone but that’s not happening. So then I get to thinking about how many people I have in my life and the amount of people who actually care for me and then I get depressed because when you can literally count that number on one hand and not even use up all of your fingers you would also get really sad.
Unfortunately there is no cure for that, as usual. I just have to sit here and wallow in my own sadness, alone. When I wallow I don’t take it out on others but myself. I think of why no one wants to be around me and internalize how I’m just going to be alone forever because of the way I am. I’m really trying to be a better person but when there’s no benefit at the end of this I can’t help but feel I should just be as terrible as I’ve always been. But I won’t because I have at least a bit of a conscience.
If you’re reading this I want you to know how terrible it is to be lonely. And if you’re having problems with the people you care about in your life understand that if you care about them and they care about you that you should seek to fix that. Its agonizing going home to an empty, cold house. Eating alone and going to bed alone is draining. I don’t want to keep doing this anymore but I’m not sure how I can stop it.
If you’ve been following my recent posts you’ll notice me being… not great. That was the same for today as well. No energy to do much of anything than just be sad. Later in the day my dad had me take him on a short but annoying errand. I don’t like spending time with him, recently more so. His mind is gone but he wants to talk so much of what he says is either repeated ad naseum or he gets tripped up mid sentence. So I got annoyed and it somehow made me feel better? I guess I would rather be annoyed than sad.
Anyways, a few hours after that and I still feel sort of just… numb I guess. Although there were some annoyances that basically gave me a migraine but at least I wasn’t feel like I was before. Tonight was family night again and I honestly just don’t like doing it at all. I have my own problems with my mom and you’re just adding my dad onto the equation. Tonight’s main irritation was that my school is going to start on Monday so we went to check to see if everything was ready. Turns out this class, apart from being pretty expensive, requires a bunch of annoying stuff on top of it such as we have to buy our own expensive books, I have to adhere to a dress code and I need some medical tests done. This doesn’t feel normal to me but I guess I’ll roll with it.
My mom does this thing where she’ll read everything on a paper, and I mean everything. Its a good practice for writing, I guess, but it gets really annoying. Like she’ll read off specific websites and even sources or just little blurbs here and there. I get why she’s doing it but that doesn’t make it any less inane. Afterwards I keep getting interrupted trying to listen to music or whatever by a needlessly long diatribe that my dad goes on that has nothing to do with anything and I have to sit there and listen to him ramble on for what seems like a solid five minutes of non stop talking.
So I’m back at my place with a building headache and not sure how to cure it. I think I’ll drink a lot of water. Maybe that will help. I think my biggest problem is stressing over the classes. My family is putting up the money for me to do this so there’s a real pressure to make sure I get all of this right. I’m thankful for this opportunity but also annoyed that all of this is happening and I’m just sort of strapped in for the ride. Then again who knows. Maybe this is the first step towards the rest of my life.
I think I have a problem. My writing has taken a deep curve downwards and it doesn’t seem like its getting back up. I have a few ideas but right now I just need to voice that things are bad. My original idea that it would be in a somewhat completed state by the end of the month and, subsequently, before my classes started. It doesn’t seem like that is going to happen. At best I am halfway done with the book and after that I have to edit it to make sure there aren’t any errors as well as in a state that I am comfortable sharing. The book is still something I want to work on and finish but the timeline I created has changed.
My depressive state hasn’t changed much which is disappointing to say the least. I think that’s the major factor in me not being able to write which is annoying for a multitude of reasons. Despite what other media has romanticized, no, depression and bad experiences does not make you a good writer. The best way to describe depression is like a weight that is resting on you. The longer you allow it to stay there the harder it is to get off and it also hinders your ability to do pretty much anything… like getting those weights off. Right now I just feel lonely, which you’d think would be easy to get rid of but it isn’t. That being said I know why I feel like this so its not so bad because at least I know the reason.
Spent most of the day just trying to take my mind off it. I sat in front of a screen and just was sad, as weird as that sounds. Something that did help me was I remembered that Netflix updated a show I really like with another season: The Good Place. It helped a bit, at least from the standpoint I could actually laugh so that was nice. Right now I feel like I’m in a somewhat neutral state… but closer to sad so maybe not so neutral. But I do feel better so that’s nice.
I did go out today for some small things. Got something I’ve wanted to get for a while and a yoga mat. Maybe tomorrow I’ll try out some more yoga? Probably not but I can always hope. I just want to do something productive so I can not feel like a lazy sack of fat. I think I should try and force myself to write a bit more regardless if I want to. Maybe just change up my routine a bit and that will shake something up.
Did some more writing today. Not as much as I wanted, as usual. Right now all I can do is just a few paragraphs. That’s some amount though not what I want. Maybe I’ll get back to my old way of doing things. Like I’ve said its something and I’m fine with something rather than nothing.
Loneliness is getting a lot worse as of late. Keep thinking about trying to call someone but I know that I’m most likely just going to get ignored. Even if it was just a quick message that explained they couldn’t talk but would like to later would be fine. I keep staring at my phone and every single message I get my hopes go up a bit but then go down again when I realize it isn’t anyone I want to talk to. Extra annoying that I keep getting scam calls, so I can also get angry that these annoying idiots keep trying to scam me… somehow. I’m not actually sure how robocalls work, if I’m being honest but I still don’t answer any calls I don’t know.
That being said I’m not going to let it get to me. Tomorrow, after I do some more writing, I think I’m going to go for a walk. Its not ideal since its still pretty hot and there’s nothing really to do around my neighborhood. I think I’ll just walk to the store and pick up a treat or something. I’m debating on some sweets or if I should stick to something with less sugar to not screw up my body any further. Although I don’t really mind having some every once and a while. Maybe some ice cream and a soda.
I still feel pretty lost. Not sure what to do and where to go. I think the one good thing in my life right now is this blog, if I’m being honest. Seeing all of these likes, getting followers on occasion really brings my spirits up. Every so often I have to clean out my email from all the messages just telling me people are liking the stuff I have to write. Its actually really great. I think I just need to get out for a while, stretch my legs a bit.
So I put sad up there in the title to say that I’m sad but not depressed. I mean I am depressed but its not as bad as how my depression has been lately. Okay this is kind of confusing… I’m feeling a little better but not perfect. I guess I’m sliding into a better mindset, or at least I hope I am. I’m sad but its an improvement from previously so… that’s something I guess.
I do still feel pretty lonely and I dislike that immensely. That’s not to say I don’t have people in my life rather I just can’t connect to anyone. No one really understands how I’m feeling and that’s pretty isolating. Even worse when you reach out and no one wants to talk. I’m debating on reaching out more. I usually just sit and wallow in being alone when sometimes a person is just a phone call away. It sucks to be ignored but… maybe I won’t be ignored this time?
I did make some more progress on the book. Not much but… progress is progress. I’m fighting the urge to just scrap everything and just start on something new which isn’t sensible in the slightest. I like new ideas and get bored quickly which is a big problem. I really need to get into the mindset of finishing things otherwise I’ll never get anything done. Hope I can get some more stuff done.
I have just been really depressed as of late. There’s a few main core reasons but I don’t feel like talking about them is going to amount to anything. At this point its been increasingly difficult to do anything productive. Today I woke up immensely later than I usually do and just couldn’t bring myself to do anything work related. I ate extremely late as well, more out of an obligation not to starve rather than actually being hungry.
I understand completely that this isn’t sustainable. This depressive state is just absolutely draining and impossible to do anything worth while. I’m really tired of feeling this way. I want to change more than anything but I’m not sure how. At the very least I want an hour of being normal and the rest of the day could be me being depressed. Which sounds weird but I just want to be able to do things again. I can handle being depressed but I don’t want to do nothing about it or just nothing in general.
I really want to start writing again. Its not like I have any ideas on how to move forward but whenever I put my fingers to the keys I almost always just immediately bounce back into a creative mood. It also keeps my mind off of the annoying and bad things in my life so it feels healthy for me as well. I’m a pretty quiet person so writing for me is just about getting all of my thoughts and feelings that I’ve been bottling up out into the world for others to experience. My voice may not reach far but my words do. I’m still floored seeing the stats of this blog, knowing people in countries I’ve never been to occasionally visit.
I’m thinking that tomorrow, or even after this, I’m going to start doing some healthier stuff to promote a better life. Exercising on a consistent basis would be great. Of course writing more frequently or just at all is definitely up there. I actually kind of want to talk to people as well, not via text but with my actual voice… occasionally, I still feel awkard around people. I wish I lived closer to people I was in a better place with so I could interact with them in the real world but so be it. I think right now I’m going to set some sort of reminder on my phone to exercise so I don’t forget. Hopefully it goes well.