Currently – 11/11/19 (Shopping, Cooking, Anxious)

Unfortunately I had the day off today… which is a very weird thing for me to say but as I mentioned in the last post, and several other posts prior, I actually like going to class. Not only do I get to see some really nice people that I get to talk to and have fun with but I also get to get out of the house and not engage in bad habits. So whenever I have a day off and I’m genuinely feeling well and I have enough money I like to go out. Not only do I get to buy stuff (if I want to) but I also get to see and sometimes interact with people and I usually walk around more than I drive so its some decent exercise. Also the aforementioned not staying inside to engage in poor behaviors.

So I went to the mall hoping that I would see someone from class but of course that didn’t happen. I went to the bookstore, got some cook books that I’m interesting in reading, especially the baking stuff because I’ve always wanted to be a good baker. I also went to IKEA for the first time just because and I ended up finding some really good vessels that I could use for pickling and also those really nice pop top glass bottles that are used in making kombucha. I still need a scobe and a large glass vessel before I can make some kombucha but I’ve cross a hurdle so its possible that I could start making some very soon.

I also bought some vegetables to pickle later if I get the chance. I should probably look up like a guide or something on that because I’m not really good at pickling. Then again I’m well on my way to doing it so that’s always great to make some progress. I think I’ll go to the store later. I was fishing through the baking book I got and saw a recipe for some no bake brownies which, ya, I know I said I wanted to bake but small steps. Maybe I could make a whole batch and bring some to class tomorrow to share with others… or just eat them all myself because brownies taste good and I have poor impulse control especially when it comes to really good food.

I don’t really know why but there’s supposed to be this like legend or something around 11/11, like if you make a wish on that day its supposed to come true or maybe just like its lucky. Every so often when I look at the clock and see its 11:11 I find myself remembering that’s when people usually make a wish. I’m not a superstitious person by any stretch of the imagination apart from not wanting to go into creepy places on the off chance there might be ghosts or monsters because I feel like the potential negatives outweigh the positives. I can go into a creepy spooky place and there’s a significant chance nothing happens or maybe this is the one place that evil truly exists and I could die horribly. Basically I’m not going to roll those dice, so to speak, because there’s nothing to gain and a lot to lose.

Anyways, so my first thought when I looked at the date a while ago was that this is when people usually make a wish. My wish was to be able to tell this girl I like her. My life hasn’t been really great up until now but recently everything seems to be fitting into place. I just feel like maybe I could go further with this. I could totally just have a rewarding relationship with an amazing person and it could potentially boil over into maybe finding my soulmate and finally being content with my life. How could I pass up that chance? Maybe tomorrow I’ll get the perfect opportunity to say something.

Currently – 11/10/19 (Work, Cooking, Waiting)

Today is the end of the weekend so I don’t have work tomorrow. Usually that means I have school but unfortunately we have an off day. Its so weird to hear myself say I’m disappointed I don’t get to go to school but I guess I have changed from being a dumb kid to an adult who actually likes going to class to learn. Or it could be the fact I’m genuinely interested in the subject and I also have someone I like in the class. Probably those last two things more than anything.

Thankfully I remembered I have some homework due on Tuesday so I got a rush on that. I’m all caught up on my homework, at least the stuff I can, so all I can do now is get a little ahead. I looked at the project I’m supposed to turn in even later in the week and it just looks… wrong, you know? Like I’m looking at it and thinking “That can’t be right.” So instead of putting more independent work into it I’m just going to wait for Tuesday and try to copy from someone else. Who knows, the work could be perfect. I mean I couldn’t even say that with a hint of doubt in my mind so I’m not going to even pretend that’s true.

Since I have tomorrow off I’ve been wondering what I should do. I’ve been watching a Netflix documentary about Chinese food and its given me a lot of ideas. I think I really want to get a start on making some kombucha but I need a few more supplies for that than I currently have so maybe I’ll just put in an order sometime soon. What I do think I will do is do some pickling. I saw some nice glass bottles at Target when I went on Friday so I think I’ll pick some of those up and maybe a few other things to pickle. I’ve got some jalapenos so that could be really nice to put into something. Maybe I’ll pickle some eggs too which, while they take some time, taste great when finished.

Right now I’m kind of just twiddling my thumbs waiting for Tuesday. I just really want to see this woman again and talk to her. I keep kicking myself for not giving her my number, thinking she might want to talk when we’re not together. Even if its just an extra day I really would like to talk to her more often. I also keep telling myself that I’ll finally confess my feelings for her on Tuesday but more than likely I’ll just chicken out again, as usual. Maybe I’ll be able to summon the courage this time and see if she really does like me. Maybe.

Currently – 11/9/19 (Exercise, Habits, Waiting)

Pretty much this entire time I’ve been thinking about the woman I like. Trying to decided the right words to say or the right thing to do. Or even if I should do anything at all. Right now it doesn’t seem sensible to let this opportunity to pass me by. She feels like someone I want to spend my time with, someone who actually wants to be by my side. How could I let that pass me by without at least trying to understand if my feelings are true or not?

I tried to exercise a bit, get my mind off things. Walked a mile on the treadmill. Kind of impressed by my stamina. Even when I was thin in high school I was never this good. My muscles are definitely stronger and more pronounced and my body feels a lot healthier than a decade ago. Although that could also be my mind. I haven’t felt like I was in a good place for a long time, so right now it feels like everything is going right for me and I have myself to thank for that. Occasional exercise, better diet, being aware and honest about my feelings.

Of course I’d like to say that I’m keeping a decent diet. I decided to eat something that wasn’t super healthy then I thought it tasted good so I’d have a second portion and I might as well have an egg for protein. One of my worst habits used to be overeating. I was definitely obese, at least in the medical term. On the outside I just kind of looked chunky or stocky. Trying to be vegan has changed a lot for me and how I view food. I bought some candy bars to put in my lunch when I go to school. Normally I would have decimated them instantly but a day later and I’ve only had one, which isn’t ideal but I’m definitely happy that I’ve come so far to the point where I can control myself a bit more.

So after I realized I was dipping into a bad habit I decided to take it easy and not think about food. Of course my mind wandered back to that woman who entered my life, how I feel about her and what I should do. Its difficult being honest with someone when every other time you’ve tried to be honest to others you’ve been shot down, ridiculed or been abandoned. I really like her and want her to know that but I’m afraid that I’ll lose her. Then again I can’t stay afraid forever. Either I gain some courage and be honest with her or I watch her move on.

I think my best plan is to put a reminder on my phone the day I get back. Just bombard myself with messages saying “Tell her” or “You’ve got this”. Of course I get this idea on a three day weekend. Not only that but I just remembered all of the homework I have to do as well as a somewhat labor intensive project I still haven’t finished. I just hope I remember this resolve I have now. Most likely I’ll forget it though. I just need to calm myself down but also have enough courage to be honest with not just myself but with her. Maybe something beautiful and rewarding could come about from this, someone who I want to spend the rest of my life with and they feel the same way.

Currently – 11/8/19 (Shopping, Weekend, Food)

I guess I haven’t talked about my finances all that much other than the occasional fear of having nothing. My part time job is enough for all my needs, and I’m definitely thankful for that. The amount itself is nothing great but its enough to pay off the few bills I have on only one paycheck and the rest is essentially mine to spend as I please. There was a time I was saving up to take a trip to London to see someone though that has fallen through so that $700 or so I just used to keep my mind off yet another failed relationship. That isn’t to say I spent it all but I essentially just kept chipping away at it until now I have about half of that left.

Talking to the girl I liked a while ago, even with her minimum wage job, she was asking me about my finances once and was surprised to hear I didn’t really have any savings, at least from the stand point I wasn’t really worried about them. People who know me in person know I’m not someone who likes to hold onto money. I prefer to spend it on others because I feel like it makes them happy and life is short etc etc. Basically if I have enough to pay off my bills and maybe $100 left just to do whatever I feel like with I’m happy. After being fired I kind of started to realize how much more important money is in general. I still, kind of, waste my money but at least I pull myself back every so often just to say “But do I really need this?” Its kind of the same when it comes to how I’m at least trying to be a vegan.

Anyways, I had a check that I decided to cash today so I felt like walking around the mall and at the bookstore. I didn’t end up buying anything, which was somewhat disappointing but at the same time kind of nice because I felt like I had everything I needed. I did go to another store and buy some minor groceries so the day wasn’t completely wasted. Plus I got some walking time in which is always nice.

I’ve been thinking about cooking some more. I bought some rice and beans which is what I was living off of for a while. I’ve been trying to find some deserts that I could make with some basic ingredients like that but I can’t really find anything. Either way I’ve been spending far too much needless money at lunch when I go to class so I’m hoping this will at least shave off a few bucks here and there. I know this all sounds pretty boring but… it was my day so, ya.

I was actually thinking of buying some more cook books but… I mean I have like five already, at least, and I barely look through them at all. I’m kind of disappointed in myself in that regard. I guess I’ve been interested in fermenting and making kombucha but I’m not sure if I’m even allowed to do that where I’m staying, let alone where I’d keep some stuff like that. I wonder if I could make something like fermented rice? I’ve been trying to get more fermented foods in my diet for my digestion, which actually really does work for me. I think I have a book on fermentation with me right now so maybe I’ll flip through it and get a few ideas here and there.

Currently – 11/3/19 (Work, Betterment, Feelings)

Technically still at work right now but I don’t see any way that something could drastically change in the meantime so this is as decent a time as any to do another post. Not really much has changed all that much. Although I guess I tried to make some tofu? It didn’t turn out well. Basically just tastes like flavored nothing as weird as that sounds. I’m debating on tossing out the stuff I made but there’s a small hope in the back of my head that I’ll have a ‘eureka’ moment and find the perfect flavoring to pair it with. Some teriyaki sauce sounds nice right about now but I’ll just have to settle for the soy sauce I currently have.

Like I said in the last post I still want to better myself in any way I can, that includes my whole ‘mostly’ vegan lifestyle I’ve taken on but also the fact I’ve been making an effort to cook more and exercise. I walked a mile yesterday, which is a decent amount. I guess my biggest problem is I’m not seeing or feeling any real effects. That being said I’m happy that I took the effort to do it and I’m not going to deny that it was nice to exercise in general. I think I’ll do some more exercises before bed and maybe try to push it up to two miles. The one mile didn’t really take anything out of me so why not push for a second? I think I might also read a bit from one of my books and also try to catch up on homework.

Pretty much all I’ve been doing is obsessing over what I’ll say on Monday to the person I like. I’ve narrowed it down to just being blunt about it, being somewhat coy or just asking them if they like me. Personally I feel like being blunt is the best way so there’s no confusion but at the same time I don’t know if I have the courage or the stomach to just fully put all my feelings out there in a concise and proper way. At the same time every time I go over what I’m trying to say it sounds like there’s holes that can be punched into it so I guess I have to refine that as well? I absolutely hate situations like this, where you like someone and don’t know what to say, however this person is definitely worth it. I love being around them, they seem interested, its easy to talk to them, they’re nice, funny and to be blunt I am very much attracted to them.

Something that I haven’t talked about is how I get this massive pain in my chest whenever it comes to feelings. Like someone stabbed me in the chest and I just have to sit there. I think its just because my heart isn’t used to romantic situations. If I had an active dating life for a while I might have built up some strength, as weird as that sounds, for stuff like this. But that’s absolutely no reason to stop now. I can’t be afraid of some possibilities or potential outcomes. Someone I really like is right in front of me and, more than anything, I want them to know how I feel about them. Ideally we would get together because of it but either way this is something I feel like I need to do.

Currently – 10/27/19 (Work, Health, Class)

I haven’t really thought about it all that much but I suppose I’m eventually going to quit this job and move out. I mean ideally. I don’t know what my life is going to be like. If this program goes well I’ll be offered a, hopefully, decent job with good pay and its most likely going to be further from where I’m living. And for other reasons I’d like to move as well. I don’t know, I guess I just never really thought about it all that much. This job is fine, the pay is okay and I get to cook on a more consistent basis so I’m getting some practice in, but this definitely doesn’t seem like a permanent thing or at least I don’t want it to be. I want to get married and, maybe, have kids and this one room apartment-esque building definitely isn’t ideal. Though I’m not throwing shade at anyone who is doing that, its just not for me.

Actually I just remembered something about cooking. Today I cooked some potato wedges that came out surprisingly well. They unfortunately weren’t crispy but I kind of like them like that. In any case, they tasted really good and I was proud of them plus it really reminded me that being vegan doesn’t mean I have to sacrifice flavor or comfort foods. Right now I’m in the process of making a tofu recipe that’s supposed to give it near perfect meat consistency that I found online. The YouTuber I found that made the video did it really well and had a lot of interesting and informative videos but they also made an annoying and casually transphobic joke that wasn’t even funny to begin with. So… I guess I’ll just use this tofu video for reference and ignore the rest of the channel entirely. Its a bit sketchy, I’ll admit, but I feel as though the information is what I’m after so I’ll just use this one bit and never touch another one of his videos.

I would definitely say my condition has improved immensely over these past few days. My infection is a lot less pronounced and painful than it was so I would say my treatment is effective. Unfortunately the antibiotics I’m taking are doing havoc on my stomach, making me feel like I’m constantly talking to someone I have a crush on, and my one method of settling my stomach I’m unable to use as consistently as I like to. I drink kombucha on a near monthly basis. Pretty much just a small sip and my stomach is back to normal or otherwise alleviates the pain within minutes. Unfortunately, as far as I’ve been told, probiotics interact poorly with antibiotics so I kind of just have to sit here in discomfort, only able to drink a few hours before or after I take the medicine.

Class is tomorrow and I feel kind of excited. Last time I was there I gave a morose account to my instructor saying that I might have cancer which would make it impossible for me to participate in an upcoming blood drive. I was kind of disappointed because my blood type is one of the rarest so I can definitely help people but also its good practice for when we eventually start drawing blood. I’m still a bit apprehensive when it comes to needles so I really need to get over that or otherwise just become calmer. Plus there’s the whole idea of just going back to school and getting out of the house which I really like.

Of course there’s the added element of being able to see and interact with the person I like again. I think I’m going to ask them if we could hang out sometime outside the class because that seems like a pretty casual way of saying I’d like to see them more often. Although the way my body is interacting with the antibiotics really makes me think its going to be difficult having that ‘butterflies in my stomach’ feeling constantly but for another reason apart from me liking them. Then again I couldn’t forgive myself if I at least didn’t try to make this work out. I keep thinking of nice little moments in the potential future with them but also maybe just that nice honeymoon period of being with someone and constantly smiling. I just really hope I’m not misreading this situation and my feelings are reciprocated. Otherwise this will become a lot more awkward and I honestly don’t know if I can handle that anymore.

Currently – 10/20/19 (Work, Restless, Cooking)

Yet another day of work. I hesitate to say I’d like my weekends back because I have literally nothing to do during them. No one to hang out with, nothing to do. I guess I wouldn’t mind having them back, provided I get a regular full time job again. The pay is enough to keep me alive so that’s really my main concern.

I think I’m fully caught up with my homework for tomorrow. Not the make up homework but I still have time to do that so its not a huge deal. I definitely need to check because I am seriously tired of not having the proper work finished each day. Not only from the stand point that I feel kind of like a failure but also its actively affecting my chances to finish this class. At the very least I should minimize the amount of late assignments.

Been feeling pretty anxious to go back to class. Not necessarily because I like it but I have some focus and structure when I do. Its something to look forward to in the sense that I have some set goals I need to accomplish which I feel are making me become a more responsible person. I have never consistently woken up this early this often for anything. Not only that but I’m buying extra things to make my time easier and also getting back into cooking for myself instead of wasting my money on take out so that’s also nice.

Today I cooked something interesting. Basically just a bunch of vegetables and some chicken. Also rice but that was in the rice cooker and I basically forgot about it but also I somehow screwed it up as well? Anyways, I’ve got some lunch for tomorrow. It… sounds gross and, I’m not going to lie, might taste a little funky but its healthy and it gives me the chance to test out my cooking skills for myself. I think its a vegan lunch? I could be wrong but I’ve tried my best to incorporate the stuff I bought recently minus a few items.

I think I’ll try to do some more extra homework before turning in early… hopefully. Right now I can’t think of anything, other than exercises (which I just remembered is something I need to do), that would be productive. I have been keeping up with my homework but unfortunately I’m still doing some bad habits of being lazy. That’s more of an annoyance right now instead of a problem considering that my work, for the most part, is done. I just want to be a more responsible person, I guess.