Currently – 11/12/19 (Cooking, Missed, Disappointed)

Last night I cooked for myself for the first time in a long time which felt really good, to say the least. I had some premade tofu just to see how I could have tofu that doesn’t taste like nothing and cardboard and a few other things that were pretty nice. The whole thing really tasted good and I got to save money so that’s a bonus. I’m still hoping I can pickle all the stuff I bought before I forget and it turns to a sour moldly mush but for now I’m eating pretty good. Maybe tomorrow. I still have to look up a guide just to make sure I’m doing this right and I won’t end up wasting a bunch of vegetables.

After class, which I’ll talk about because that was pretty obvious, I went to the store to pick up some butter for these brownies I want to make. I’m thinking maybe I’ll try to make it later tonight when I have the kitchen to myself. They’re supposed to be bakeless which sounds cool but time will tell. If I finish making them (and they’re good) I might take some to class tomorrow to share with everyone. Most likely its going to be bad and I’ll just throw it out though. But maybe this will be the first time I can make sweets that don’t look and taste like dog food. Here’s hoping.

Everyday I go here and meet this woman I feel more and more like she’s interested in me. The way she acts, talks, looks at me. My mind is screaming at me to just tell her how amazing I think she is and how I would really like the chance to be someone special to her while my body is just either pumping far too much blood in my brain, giving me a headache, all while staying motionless because I feel like I’m going to explode from the aforementioned blood ripping through my body. I’m not sure what these feelings are because I’ve literally never had them before.

I didn’t have a lot of chances today but there was one moment at the end. I finally decided I was going to spend some time with her and that was that. I used an excuse that I was going somewhere nearby and later I’d just “happen to be nearby! Maybe let’s hang out some more!” But when I got over there my body was just horrible. A painful lump in my throat, my body crackling with hot electricity and my face was on fire. All I could do was stand there and berate myself for being so cowardly, for not standing up and being honest with myself and her. Finally I braced myself and walked back… only to see her walking away. She looked over at me and waved bye and I just felt a deep well of disappointment wash over me.

Maybe this is just how its going to be until the course ends. I’ll just be hopelessly infatuated with her and she will move on with her life and find someone who has some actual courage. I’ll be here as usual, knowing that this is all my fault. Someone amazing came into my life, practically handed me an invitation and I was too chicken to even reach out and take it. To be honest I really just feel deeply sad because I know its just going to end up the same as every other relationship I’ve had in the past. I legitimately just feel like crying and going to be early tonight.

Currently – 11/10/19 (Work, Cooking, Waiting)

Today is the end of the weekend so I don’t have work tomorrow. Usually that means I have school but unfortunately we have an off day. Its so weird to hear myself say I’m disappointed I don’t get to go to school but I guess I have changed from being a dumb kid to an adult who actually likes going to class to learn. Or it could be the fact I’m genuinely interested in the subject and I also have someone I like in the class. Probably those last two things more than anything.

Thankfully I remembered I have some homework due on Tuesday so I got a rush on that. I’m all caught up on my homework, at least the stuff I can, so all I can do now is get a little ahead. I looked at the project I’m supposed to turn in even later in the week and it just looks… wrong, you know? Like I’m looking at it and thinking “That can’t be right.” So instead of putting more independent work into it I’m just going to wait for Tuesday and try to copy from someone else. Who knows, the work could be perfect. I mean I couldn’t even say that with a hint of doubt in my mind so I’m not going to even pretend that’s true.

Since I have tomorrow off I’ve been wondering what I should do. I’ve been watching a Netflix documentary about Chinese food and its given me a lot of ideas. I think I really want to get a start on making some kombucha but I need a few more supplies for that than I currently have so maybe I’ll just put in an order sometime soon. What I do think I will do is do some pickling. I saw some nice glass bottles at Target when I went on Friday so I think I’ll pick some of those up and maybe a few other things to pickle. I’ve got some jalapenos so that could be really nice to put into something. Maybe I’ll pickle some eggs too which, while they take some time, taste great when finished.

Right now I’m kind of just twiddling my thumbs waiting for Tuesday. I just really want to see this woman again and talk to her. I keep kicking myself for not giving her my number, thinking she might want to talk when we’re not together. Even if its just an extra day I really would like to talk to her more often. I also keep telling myself that I’ll finally confess my feelings for her on Tuesday but more than likely I’ll just chicken out again, as usual. Maybe I’ll be able to summon the courage this time and see if she really does like me. Maybe.

Currently – 11/6/19 (Class, Feelings, Fear)

Alright. Quick rundown of class. Decent, some new stuff happened. Blah blah blah. Same as ever. I’m not really skipping this but you’ve all heard it before so… there’s not really much I can say. I could have a full paragraph that ultimately ends up being “Yep, just like all previous other days” and I don’t think that’s very interesting.

You could also say the same about this new relationship… but there’s at least some type of development each day. Today was pretty standard as usual but in class we are going to be interacting with each other on a much more physical level. Later days it probably won’t be with this person but tomorrow I will be in actual forced physical contact with them so… looking forward to that like I’m looking forward to going to the doctor. Which is to say it will probably be good for me overall but I am dreading it and the fears are building up.

My biggest fear right now is telling them that I like them and having it blow up in my face. I haven’t had a good life up until this point and there’s things that I just can’t say to people that happened to me because it effectively ruins their perception of me from the standpoint that they treat me less like an individual and more like a victim or a survivor, which I absolutely don’t want. Right now things are the best they have ever been, although the fact my dad is on his death bed and the mixed emotions behind that is definitely not helping. I want to keep what this is currently going on forever if possible even though I know it isn’t. Confessing my feelings to this person could either turn into a relationship or it could destroy this friendship I have currently… although it could also turn into a relationship and then I could have it die during what is a great point in my life.

I keep seeing these things which tell me, with complete certainty, that this person likes me. Not only that but every single interaction I’ve had with them has been pleasant, every bit of information they’ve shared has me convinced that they are the right person for me and are going to make me want to become a better person for them. I fear that I’ll wake up one day and find out all of this was a dream. That I’ve been stuck in the same horrible place I was before and every happy thought or time I’ve had up until now will have been a fantasy. It also feels like I’m being kind of greedy, like I can’t just have a great friendship with someone I also have to be romantically tied to them? If you’ve grown up feeding off the crumbs and scraps that fall off the table being fed a decent meal feels like you’re you’re being spoiled or you somehow don’t deserve it.

Currently – 11/5/19 (Class, Relationship, Unsure)

Pretty standard day, all things considered. Some good, some bad, some annoying. Overall I would say it was good. Honestly there’s not much to say here, unfortunately. Which I guess is good? I mean I would rather have a boring day than a bad day so… alright.

And now comes the stuff I keep harping on about. Look I know its kind of annoying, and I’m sorry for that, but honestly I just need to vent my feelings and talking isn’t even remotely my forte. Unfortunately all opportunities to tell the person I like keep falling flat. I thought I had one at the beginning but that failed and same for the end. What did happen was someone vocalized that they are aware I like this person so at least someone, kind of, knows. I’m guessing a lot more people know than they’re letting on but its an entirely other fact to have it said right in front of you. With the same idea I’ve been toying with just telling someone and trying to get them to spill the secret for me but I feel like it would have much more impact if I said it and I don’t want to be a coward about this.

The positive side of this is I feel more confident each day that they feel the same way as well. Little hints here and there, the way they interact with me, talk with me and often try to be closer to me. This could all, obviously, just be in my head but it feels a lot like this person is essentially beating me over the head with a bat made of their feelings. I guess my plan right now is to invite them out when they have the time to see if anything could come of this. I still want to be respectful of their space just in case I’m making a mountain of an anthill, so to speak. That being said I absolutely can’t forgive myself if I don’t make certain that I know for sure either way.

Currently – 11/4/19 (Class, Opportunity, Compromise)

My morning routine consists of me getting up really early so I can get a shower, brush my teeth and be out the door and on the road in order to ensure I get to class on time while on the ride over I usually listen to some music or put a YouTube video on in the background. I guess I say this to draw a line to how today was a bit different. In anticipation for talking to the person I like I used this app that helps with guided meditation, specifically one for uncomfortable social situations. After a session of that I started listening to an audiobook that I hadn’t for a while called “Unf*ck Yourself”. Basically the idea was to both give me some confidence but also get me mentally prepared for whatever happened next.

Unfortunately things didn’t go as planned, as usual. Another person sat in on the conversation and, now being thrown off my game, all I could really do was stand there and try to mentally shift gears. The day went as normal but I felt pretty defeated. I was dead set on telling them my feelings just so I could get it all out there. The idea of not knowing is pretty agonizing. I moped around a bit but eventually just started listening to the book again. I don’t know if it was the words or the Irish(?) accent of the reader but it really perked me up just enough.

Another plan of mine failed when I went out to lunch hoping the person might follow behind me. However since I was still riding somewhat high on the motivational words of the book I decided to go with it and sat down with the person at lunch. It felt a little weird at first but that melted away pretty quickly and I had some fun but also some nice little time to give a comment or two to them. So instead of bearing all of my feelings and finally getting to know how they felt about me I had a pretty decent day instead, which isn’t ideal but its definitely not terrible.

I’m definitely not quitting my plan to tell them but I don’t want to force it. Little by little as I talk to them I feel like I’m getting closer. Maybe one day the perfect opportunity will present itself. In the meantime I’m going to keep chipping away at this. I really want them to know how I feel and be with them as well but what is here right now is nice. Tomorrow I have another chance and the days after. Tomorrow in particular is going to be a somewhat unusual event so I’m kind of going to try for that. Right now I don’t feel all that down so I’ll just try to be happy with that.

Currently – 11/1/19 (Volunteer, Work, Relationships)

Today I had some volunteer work that I voluntarily signed up for because my teacher gave me the impression that it would be a good thing to put on my resume as well as good practice for when I eventually go out to do my internship. I thought I was going to hate it and, if I’m being honest, the only reason I did it was to get closer to the person I like but I ended up somewhat enjoying the experience. At the end of it I got some interested experience and did get to interact with that special person a bit, and it wasn’t terrible to do something overtly constructive with one of my few days off not to mention helping people get some elderly people free health care they otherwise might not get. It really turned out to be an invaluable experience and I was glad that I took the time to do it. I might not do it again when it comes around but that’s just my personal feeling.

Right now I have taken over a shift for one of my coworkers that took the day off for one reason or another. I was disappointed because it meant that I wouldn’t be able to hang out with the person I like in the off chance they wanted to after the work was done but… whatever. I don’t necessarily need the money but its a good thing to do just from the stand point of getting more money to hopefully help me get a better life. Need money to buy a house and do things I want so might as well get more when I can.

So did I in fact interact with that special person since it was my main motivation for going to the volunteer work? Well… ya a little bit. Of course we were both working but there was this idea of me getting to sneak away for a few moments just to see them working and there was one time they also did the same. I’m still apprehensive about trying to move forward into an area where we both (although most likely just me) admit that we like each other. There’s moments that just scream out to me that this is a sure thing but I’ve felt that before so ignoring that voice is my go to. Against all sensibility I think on Monday I’m just going to come right out and say it. For better or worse I want to know and let my feelings known. If I end up being scorned then so be it… but if they reciprocate then I could have just found my soulmate or spouse if you don’t want to get too serious about it.

Currently – 10/31/19 (Class, Perspective, Life)

Just before I begin I’ll say that I had another post up but decided to delete it. I didn’t feel like it was totally and completely honest to my feelings. I’ll just move on from that.

Class today was unusual but not bad. A little bit more relaxed as opposed to other days. Of course that could have just been me but who knows. I feel a little more like myself the more I continue to be in the class. I personally think its just because I have some structure and something to look forward to. Though I’d like to think its because I finally found my path in life and in lieu of resistance it feels like the path before me is a lot smoother.

I’ve been thinking a lot about how I look at myself personally. If I had to be honest I don’t think its very healthy. What I want more than anything is to just see myself as I am, neither better or worse than what I currently am. Its really difficult to look inward or even just have an accurate representation of who you are, especially for me. At times I find it hard to see the person I really am as opposed to an idealized version or one I’ve demonized, more often than not unfairly. It has negatively affected me to say the least.

The current idea behind me being so slow to understand that the person I’m currently trying to pursue a relationship with may have been interested in me as well stems from how low I perceive myself. Ugly, fat, slob, unfunny, creepy, weird. I’ve internalized all of these feelings and, while some of them may be true, are antithetical to my progress. The problem is its not “I am something negative and therefore I must change” rather its “I am something negative and I will always be that”. Essentially its never about becoming better but just trying to be content with being garbage. I’ve tried to change this as much as possible but these feelings are, unfortunately, deeply ingrained in me and I use the few moments where people either looked at me like I was one of these things or actually verbalized it.

Right now I just want to remember that those people don’t matter. I will absolutely take their harsh words and potentially correct criticism to heart but in the effort to change and become better. But those people who were harsh to me don’t really deserve to be in my life. I may carry their words with me but they won’t be coming with me on my journey. At the same time I’ll do my best to look inward, taking their biting comments and use them to evaluate myself. Either this is something true and therefore something I should work on or it is false and I need to remember that it is false in case someone down the line decides to repeat it to me. I think that will ultimately be the best course of action I can take.