Currently – 9/18/19 (School, Hair, OCD)

Another day of school. Today was a little bit different. We’ve been doing more vital signs and have been ‘encouraged’ to pick a new partner everyday. This is of course, great for me as I am a socially awkward guy in a class of mostly women and there’s an odd number of students in the class! All joking aside, the past two days we’ve done this I’ve always been propositioned by a woman to do vital signs. Today I was propositioned by a cute young woman who sits at the table next to mine. I thought I was going to be extremely awkward and ruin everything by being weird but I kept it together for the most part. I was respectful (at least I think so), we did what we needed to do and then some because she was pretty efficient and she even helped me out so that was nice. I even got in a bit of small talk that was relevant to what we were doing so ultimately I would say it was good overall.

Unfortunately I kind of got a bit of the OCD after that. My attention focused on her, completely not by my choice, for most of the day. I generally tried to avoid her from the stand point of trying to be overly not creepy. We sort of bumped paths a few times which made me think that she might have thought I was getting too close to her. Of course things did not stay as I would have liked them, meeting an attractive stranger and being respectful of their space. In our class we have this very tall girl and today she sat up in front… blocking my view of the screen so I later moved my seat… and the only seat was closer to my temporary partner earlier in the day. I gave her a half smile just to say “Yep, I’m sitting here right now” as well as “I’m genuinely just trying to be a nice person and not creep you out as I’m coming from the standpoint that you already have a boyfriend/girlfriend/aren’t interested in me or dating anyone in general because you’re here to become a medical professional like I am”.

I thought all was well until the class had ended. I cleaned up my stuff and walked out. My brain conjured up the idea that she was walking behind me but of course I couldn’t look because that would be creepy, obviously. So my mind focused on the fact she might have been behind me and I tried to keep a normal pace. Down the stairs I saw a shadowy figure following close behind where I was and thought it was her. I left open the door for a few seconds and… no one came out. My first thought was she was actively avoiding me because I had inadvertently creeped her out, which definitely wasn’t my intention. So now I have to go back tomorrow and… do something. I think I’ll just try and pretend that nothing happened and maybe I was making a mountain out of an ant hill.

I think now is the best time to reveal that I pretty much have OCD. I don’t mean OCD as in “Wow, your room is so clean. You are so OCD” or “Omg I am so OCD when it comes to [insert dumb thing here]!” More OCD like I can’t sleep until I have pressed the lock on my car remote until it beeps, lock the car but check each handle at least twice, retrace my steps etc etc. It was really difficult to understand why I was doing these things but it started to make sense after a while. Unfortunately understanding a problem like OCD exists and you have it doesn’t necessarily make you feel better. Mental health problems suck like that.

I’ve been trying meditation and reading this book on mindfulness on occasion. I feel like if I can get that stuff down then I’ll be able to at least deal with it. Right now I’m on the long road to trying to get through this and I’ve just started my first few steps. One step was cutting my hair for the first time in a while. I was putting it off but I really want to get through this immediately. I’m not joking when I say I have clown hair because that’s pretty much exactly what it looks like after I’ve taken a shower and let my hair rest, complete with flattened top and poofed out sides and in the back. I cut my own hair for a variety of reasons, two of which are its inconvenient to go out and get one and I’ve never had a good one before.

My hair is really difficult to cut as I have, for lack of a better term, ‘ethnic’ hair. I can easily put it into an afro given enough grow time, but the problem is I also have dandruff so… ya, gross. Whenever I cut my hair it doesn’t look good. If you need a visual metaphor there was a meme being passed around a few years ago of a politician that had this really horrible haircut and it was shopped to say “Just [bleep] me up fam.” I prefer the messed up, chopped, lost a fight with a lawn mower look than being a clown.

So my hair is… cut and tomorrow will be my last day of school before the weekend. My homework is almost all done so all I need to do is bite the bullet and walk into class to await the comments about my hair or face that nice girl who’s probably freaked out by my subtle OCD habits and accidentally getting too close to her via circumstances outside of my control. I just need to suffer through an almost seven hour class till I can breathe a sigh of relief on the weekend. Then… I don’t know. Maybe do something productive… hopefully.