Currently – 9/30/19 (Better, Restless, Alone)

I did something, that I’m somewhat ashamed about, and it made me feel better. Even with the anonymity I’ve tried to cultivate here I’m not comfortable talking about it. I will say that what I did was perfectly legal so lets not blow it out of proportion. It was kind of insane how just doing it made me almost instantly feel better. It also made me remember I had some homework I needed to finish and I got it all done before bed. I feel like talking about it more will reveal what it is so I won’t go too far into it but I feel a lot better.

Of course feeling better doesn’t mean I’m fine. Its like I was hanging off the side of a cliff and now I’ve pulled myself up. I’m still far too close to the edge for comfort but the main danger has passed. I guess now I feel like I have a better handle on my class a bit more. Last test I got back I just barely failed it by one point but the test I got back today was nearly perfect. Obviously both tests had wildly different subjects but the number was what I’m mainly looking at. I really need to buckle down and study so I can make sure that never happens again.

I still feel really alone, though. Not really connected to anyone. Especially today where it seemed like a lot of people were avoiding me. But, as usual, all I had to do was put myself out there a little bit. Engage with people and try to talk with them, be open and available, not just content with sitting in the corner and hoping others notice I would like to have some human connection. At the end of the day someone did initiate me in some way. Though it was definitely a very last minute thing, it felt good to have someone notice me even if it was just in a small way.

I think the biggest problem right now is I don’t know how to solve my problems. I hate math as a subject but I like the idea of concrete solutions. I dislike the idea that there’s so many unknown variables to life that you could end up being confused because you did everything that should have worked and yet failed. I know life would be a little more boring if there was a clear solution but boring is preferable to suffering in my book. It would be really nice if the answer was easier to find.

I’ve been thinking a lot about writing again. I’m not sure when I actually have the time now. Technically I do right now but my brain is just so… I honestly don’t have a word for it, that I can’t really do anything. My mind wants to be creative but my body just can’t. Hopefully I’ll find a solution. No matter what happens in my life I still want to write and create. No matter how much destruction and chaos keeps happening around me I still want to create.

Currently – 9/3/19 (Better, Numb, School)

If you’ve been following my recent posts you’ll notice me being… not great. That was the same for today as well. No energy to do much of anything than just be sad. Later in the day my dad had me take him on a short but annoying errand. I don’t like spending time with him, recently more so. His mind is gone but he wants to talk so much of what he says is either repeated ad naseum or he gets tripped up mid sentence. So I got annoyed and it somehow made me feel better? I guess I would rather be annoyed than sad.

Anyways, a few hours after that and I still feel sort of just… numb I guess. Although there were some annoyances that basically gave me a migraine but at least I wasn’t feel like I was before. Tonight was family night again and I honestly just don’t like doing it at all. I have my own problems with my mom and you’re just adding my dad onto the equation. Tonight’s main irritation was that my school is going to start on Monday so we went to check to see if everything was ready. Turns out this class, apart from being pretty expensive, requires a bunch of annoying stuff on top of it such as we have to buy our own expensive books, I have to adhere to a dress code and I need some medical tests done. This doesn’t feel normal to me but I guess I’ll roll with it.

My mom does this thing where she’ll read everything on a paper, and I mean everything. Its a good practice for writing, I guess, but it gets really annoying. Like she’ll read off specific websites and even sources or just little blurbs here and there. I get why she’s doing it but that doesn’t make it any less inane. Afterwards I keep getting interrupted trying to listen to music or whatever by a needlessly long diatribe that my dad goes on that has nothing to do with anything and I have to sit there and listen to him ramble on for what seems like a solid five minutes of non stop talking.

So I’m back at my place with a building headache and not sure how to cure it. I think I’ll drink a lot of water. Maybe that will help. I think my biggest problem is stressing over the classes. My family is putting up the money for me to do this so there’s a real pressure to make sure I get all of this right. I’m thankful for this opportunity but also annoyed that all of this is happening and I’m just sort of strapped in for the ride. Then again who knows. Maybe this is the first step towards the rest of my life.