Currently – 11/11/19 (Shopping, Cooking, Anxious)

Unfortunately I had the day off today… which is a very weird thing for me to say but as I mentioned in the last post, and several other posts prior, I actually like going to class. Not only do I get to see some really nice people that I get to talk to and have fun with but I also get to get out of the house and not engage in bad habits. So whenever I have a day off and I’m genuinely feeling well and I have enough money I like to go out. Not only do I get to buy stuff (if I want to) but I also get to see and sometimes interact with people and I usually walk around more than I drive so its some decent exercise. Also the aforementioned not staying inside to engage in poor behaviors.

So I went to the mall hoping that I would see someone from class but of course that didn’t happen. I went to the bookstore, got some cook books that I’m interesting in reading, especially the baking stuff because I’ve always wanted to be a good baker. I also went to IKEA for the first time just because and I ended up finding some really good vessels that I could use for pickling and also those really nice pop top glass bottles that are used in making kombucha. I still need a scobe and a large glass vessel before I can make some kombucha but I’ve cross a hurdle so its possible that I could start making some very soon.

I also bought some vegetables to pickle later if I get the chance. I should probably look up like a guide or something on that because I’m not really good at pickling. Then again I’m well on my way to doing it so that’s always great to make some progress. I think I’ll go to the store later. I was fishing through the baking book I got and saw a recipe for some no bake brownies which, ya, I know I said I wanted to bake but small steps. Maybe I could make a whole batch and bring some to class tomorrow to share with others… or just eat them all myself because brownies taste good and I have poor impulse control especially when it comes to really good food.

I don’t really know why but there’s supposed to be this like legend or something around 11/11, like if you make a wish on that day its supposed to come true or maybe just like its lucky. Every so often when I look at the clock and see its 11:11 I find myself remembering that’s when people usually make a wish. I’m not a superstitious person by any stretch of the imagination apart from not wanting to go into creepy places on the off chance there might be ghosts or monsters because I feel like the potential negatives outweigh the positives. I can go into a creepy spooky place and there’s a significant chance nothing happens or maybe this is the one place that evil truly exists and I could die horribly. Basically I’m not going to roll those dice, so to speak, because there’s nothing to gain and a lot to lose.

Anyways, so my first thought when I looked at the date a while ago was that this is when people usually make a wish. My wish was to be able to tell this girl I like her. My life hasn’t been really great up until now but recently everything seems to be fitting into place. I just feel like maybe I could go further with this. I could totally just have a rewarding relationship with an amazing person and it could potentially boil over into maybe finding my soulmate and finally being content with my life. How could I pass up that chance? Maybe tomorrow I’ll get the perfect opportunity to say something.

Currently – 11/9/19 (Exercise, Habits, Waiting)

Pretty much this entire time I’ve been thinking about the woman I like. Trying to decided the right words to say or the right thing to do. Or even if I should do anything at all. Right now it doesn’t seem sensible to let this opportunity to pass me by. She feels like someone I want to spend my time with, someone who actually wants to be by my side. How could I let that pass me by without at least trying to understand if my feelings are true or not?

I tried to exercise a bit, get my mind off things. Walked a mile on the treadmill. Kind of impressed by my stamina. Even when I was thin in high school I was never this good. My muscles are definitely stronger and more pronounced and my body feels a lot healthier than a decade ago. Although that could also be my mind. I haven’t felt like I was in a good place for a long time, so right now it feels like everything is going right for me and I have myself to thank for that. Occasional exercise, better diet, being aware and honest about my feelings.

Of course I’d like to say that I’m keeping a decent diet. I decided to eat something that wasn’t super healthy then I thought it tasted good so I’d have a second portion and I might as well have an egg for protein. One of my worst habits used to be overeating. I was definitely obese, at least in the medical term. On the outside I just kind of looked chunky or stocky. Trying to be vegan has changed a lot for me and how I view food. I bought some candy bars to put in my lunch when I go to school. Normally I would have decimated them instantly but a day later and I’ve only had one, which isn’t ideal but I’m definitely happy that I’ve come so far to the point where I can control myself a bit more.

So after I realized I was dipping into a bad habit I decided to take it easy and not think about food. Of course my mind wandered back to that woman who entered my life, how I feel about her and what I should do. Its difficult being honest with someone when every other time you’ve tried to be honest to others you’ve been shot down, ridiculed or been abandoned. I really like her and want her to know that but I’m afraid that I’ll lose her. Then again I can’t stay afraid forever. Either I gain some courage and be honest with her or I watch her move on.

I think my best plan is to put a reminder on my phone the day I get back. Just bombard myself with messages saying “Tell her” or “You’ve got this”. Of course I get this idea on a three day weekend. Not only that but I just remembered all of the homework I have to do as well as a somewhat labor intensive project I still haven’t finished. I just hope I remember this resolve I have now. Most likely I’ll forget it though. I just need to calm myself down but also have enough courage to be honest with not just myself but with her. Maybe something beautiful and rewarding could come about from this, someone who I want to spend the rest of my life with and they feel the same way.

Currently – 11/2/19 (Anxious, Time, Improvement)

After a long talk with my friend last night I’ve decided to just get it all out there. Just tell this person I like them and want to spend more time with them. I’ve tried doing this before but a few situations just kept creeping up and ruining my opportunity to say so. I guess not much has changed now that I think about it… Maybe my resolve to do so has? Either way I’m more committed, I guess, to making my feelings known. I’m going to try for Monday to, at the very least, talk to her about it.

Of course its still Saturday so… I kind of just have to sit here with all these feelings bottled up inside and practically nothing to do with them. I either craft and elaborate plan that will have the best chance to talk to them and get everything out by planning on what I’m going to say but those moments rarely happen. I could create the perfect plan and all it would take is a slight change and recent events leading up until now have really cemented the idea that it will most likely happen again. And there’s also the idea of just ramping myself up only to find that I can’t go anywhere.

I made a joke to my friend that I really felt like working out, making sure my body was in peak ogling condition (despite the fact this person most likely isn’t going to see any more of my skin than they already have this early on). But now that I think about it why not? I can’t do much other than wait, just sitting here with my own thoughts and feelings obsessing over the idea of what I should say to them. But in the meantime maybe I could better myself? I have a pretty decent selection of books I haven’t read, a perfectly useful treadmill and yoga mat that I can literally see from where I’m sitting or the many language learning apps I have on my phone. Why don’t I just take today (and maybe tomorrow) to better myself a little bit?

I think this person is really great and has a lot of nice qualities. So why don’t I try to amplify my own qualities to give them something to ogle at? I mean I really think this person is great in every possible way so why am I not trying to at least match up to the way I perceive them? I have the time, the resources and now the drive to do it. I’m definitely not saying I’m going to get absolutely ripped in two days but… why don’t I at least try to fix some of the things that I personally dislike about myself? Not only could this be better for me in general but it could boost my confidence up a bit, potentially making it easier for me to talk to them, or just have some interesting things to talk about if we do end up going out together?

Currently – 10/20/19 (Work, Restless, Cooking)

Yet another day of work. I hesitate to say I’d like my weekends back because I have literally nothing to do during them. No one to hang out with, nothing to do. I guess I wouldn’t mind having them back, provided I get a regular full time job again. The pay is enough to keep me alive so that’s really my main concern.

I think I’m fully caught up with my homework for tomorrow. Not the make up homework but I still have time to do that so its not a huge deal. I definitely need to check because I am seriously tired of not having the proper work finished each day. Not only from the stand point that I feel kind of like a failure but also its actively affecting my chances to finish this class. At the very least I should minimize the amount of late assignments.

Been feeling pretty anxious to go back to class. Not necessarily because I like it but I have some focus and structure when I do. Its something to look forward to in the sense that I have some set goals I need to accomplish which I feel are making me become a more responsible person. I have never consistently woken up this early this often for anything. Not only that but I’m buying extra things to make my time easier and also getting back into cooking for myself instead of wasting my money on take out so that’s also nice.

Today I cooked something interesting. Basically just a bunch of vegetables and some chicken. Also rice but that was in the rice cooker and I basically forgot about it but also I somehow screwed it up as well? Anyways, I’ve got some lunch for tomorrow. It… sounds gross and, I’m not going to lie, might taste a little funky but its healthy and it gives me the chance to test out my cooking skills for myself. I think its a vegan lunch? I could be wrong but I’ve tried my best to incorporate the stuff I bought recently minus a few items.

I think I’ll try to do some more extra homework before turning in early… hopefully. Right now I can’t think of anything, other than exercises (which I just remembered is something I need to do), that would be productive. I have been keeping up with my homework but unfortunately I’m still doing some bad habits of being lazy. That’s more of an annoyance right now instead of a problem considering that my work, for the most part, is done. I just want to be a more responsible person, I guess.

Currently – 9/9/19 (Followers!, School, Writing)

Just a quick aside before I get into all of this. I just found out that I recently got fifty followers! This is actually really cool and I’m so glad that so many like this blog enough to follow it. I never could have dreamed of getting this many people to follow me. I know that sounds like a small number but considering I’m just talking about my life on a daily basis in what is essentially an online diary that’s pretty significant in my book. I’m really grateful to all of you for sticking around.

Today was my first day of class. I was pretty nervous and second guessing myself the entire time. I kept fidgeting in my chair, fixing my clothes and when one person talked directly to me I felt kind of weirded out because I thought I was going to be looked over this entire semester. Although my hair did look pretty ridiculous so there’s one thing. I also thought I was going to be immediately dropped from the class but… so far no! The class itself is still pretty intimidating. I haven’t talked about it but I’m training to become a medical assistant and one of the things the teacher made very clear was that not only would we be using needles but to practice we would eventually be using needles… on ourselves for practice. Okay so I’m confident enough in my ability to assist in administering or even giving myself… but the thought of having others ACTUALLY sticking a needle in me is… no.

All that aside, I’m going to really try hard in this class. It really feels like my life is moving forward and I absolutely don’t want to change that at all. Well… I mean I want my life to change for the better and I meant that I don’t want to stagnate. A lot of my fears have sort of gone away for the most part (though I still do have fears) but this really feels like my life is going to change for the better. Provided that I actually put in the work and time to do so, of course. The future is looking pretty bright now.

My theory was correct when I thought that getting into this class would help me with my writing more, in some way. In class I came up with two separate ideas for books one of which is pretty original from my own personal knowledge. In the same idea I’ve decided to put the book I was working on before on hold. I’m disappointed but I think it would be better overall. That doesn’t mean I’m not going to write at all, in fact I’ve started on something else, or that I’m ditching the book and concept. I think the previous thing I was working on was taking a lot of effort and I was stuck more often than not because I had to keep researching historical events that the story was based on. This new story is a lot more from my own mind so it should be easier to write… hopefully.

Another class tomorrow so I’m going to try and get an early sleep. I’ll do my best to make this work and actually put in effort this time. I’ve been coasting through life too much and then get mad or sad when things don’t go my way. I’m going to put my best foot forward and really make the best of this situation. I’m not being too optimistic about this and thinking that its going to be easy or absolutely a sure fire thing. I will say that given the time and proper effort this could turn into something great. And maybe more great things will come out of it as a result.

Currently – 7/6/19 (Friend, Decisions, Contemplating)

This has been the first time in a while I’ve ever received any contact from my friend in some time, albeit indirectly. A few days to be exact. I wasn’t sure what was going on but I saw she posted something and I commented on it. She hasn’t responded and I don’t think she will. I’m not going to get into the details but I believe she is making a VERY bad decision.

I’m not really sure what’s the protocol here. She’s been ignoring my messages for whatever reason. If I text her I’m sure she’ll ignore this one too. However I’m somewhat afraid for her. Again I won’t get into details. I think I’m going to at least reach out and tell her that I’m here for her if she needs it. I don’t want to control her life, I just want to help no matter what that means.

In some way I find it unusual. At the same time I was unable to sleep for reasons so if I went to sleep at a normal time I wouldn’t have seen her message. I’m not a particularly superstitious person but I can’t help but see signs where there usually are none. Is it possible I stayed awake feeling uneasy for whatever reason? Who knows. If anything happens I may tell you about it later. For now I’ll just be hoping she’s alright.

Currently – 6/28/19 (Waiting, Anxious, Restless)

With my first project down I thought it would be much easier to start up something else. But of course it wasn’t. Its not to say I don’t have any ideas, I have literally hundreds, I just can’t put in the effort for whatever reason. I feel like I’m in a funk or something.

Of course this isn’t just one aspect of my life. I really want to talk to a friend but I always feel like I’m going to bother them. More often than not they’ll say they’re tired or something like that, which I fully get and accept. I always feel like I’m pressuring them to talk or wasting their time. I know they’re busy and I don’t want to waste their time.

Next month I was supposed to start classes that would help me get a new job but the school called me and said that not enough people signed up for the summer so now I have to wait for fall. I’m already running on fumes, money wise, and I don’t like asking my parents for money. I was going to do some ride sharing stuff but I always feel uncomfortable with things like that. But I guess I have no choice.

I was moving forward but now it feels like I’ve run out of gas. Not only schooling (which could lead to a potential job) but the relationship with my friends and my writing. At least it wasn’t a jarring screech. I can still move forward. I really just need to foster that momentum. Maybe by next month I’ll have something to show for it. Now? I don’t know.