Currently – 11/2/19 (Anxious, Time, Improvement)

After a long talk with my friend last night I’ve decided to just get it all out there. Just tell this person I like them and want to spend more time with them. I’ve tried doing this before but a few situations just kept creeping up and ruining my opportunity to say so. I guess not much has changed now that I think about it… Maybe my resolve to do so has? Either way I’m more committed, I guess, to making my feelings known. I’m going to try for Monday to, at the very least, talk to her about it.

Of course its still Saturday so… I kind of just have to sit here with all these feelings bottled up inside and practically nothing to do with them. I either craft and elaborate plan that will have the best chance to talk to them and get everything out by planning on what I’m going to say but those moments rarely happen. I could create the perfect plan and all it would take is a slight change and recent events leading up until now have really cemented the idea that it will most likely happen again. And there’s also the idea of just ramping myself up only to find that I can’t go anywhere.

I made a joke to my friend that I really felt like working out, making sure my body was in peak ogling condition (despite the fact this person most likely isn’t going to see any more of my skin than they already have this early on). But now that I think about it why not? I can’t do much other than wait, just sitting here with my own thoughts and feelings obsessing over the idea of what I should say to them. But in the meantime maybe I could better myself? I have a pretty decent selection of books I haven’t read, a perfectly useful treadmill and yoga mat that I can literally see from where I’m sitting or the many language learning apps I have on my phone. Why don’t I just take today (and maybe tomorrow) to better myself a little bit?

I think this person is really great and has a lot of nice qualities. So why don’t I try to amplify my own qualities to give them something to ogle at? I mean I really think this person is great in every possible way so why am I not trying to at least match up to the way I perceive them? I have the time, the resources and now the drive to do it. I’m definitely not saying I’m going to get absolutely ripped in two days but… why don’t I at least try to fix some of the things that I personally dislike about myself? Not only could this be better for me in general but it could boost my confidence up a bit, potentially making it easier for me to talk to them, or just have some interesting things to talk about if we do end up going out together?

Currently – 9/19/19 (School, Home?, Anxiety)

Yet another day of school. I’m starting to warm up to this place a bit, although it would be better to say I’m warming up to my fellow classmates and the teacher to some extent. I guess I should talk about my teacher a bit, though not in length so I don’t get doxxed because I like this anonymity. Teacher is a really nice woman who seems knowledgeable with the subject she’s teaching which is always great. She’s really attentive and willing to work with us on any problems we have. Monday(?) she took a bit of a time out to help me look for a piece of non existent homework I was unaware I was supposed to finish and didn’t get mad or disappointed that I hadn’t finished it or essentially wasted her time. She genuinely makes this seven hour+ class a bit more bearable.

My thought going into this program was that I was just going to sit my head down and just be the quiet kid who just did the work and got out without talking to anyone. Thankfully I have a lot of nice people pushing me out of my comfort zone and they’re not immediately stopping me from growing. In the past I would have these occasional bursts of trying to be a more social person but always I was met with a look or something that basically said “Know your place”. Obviously that’s not really good for someone’s social growth. Long story short, high school was rough and the fact I had any friends after it ended is a miracle in and of itself.

I cut my hair yesterday in the evening to basically make sure I couldn’t back out of this. I wanted to cut my hair but I put it off for too long but now its done… and I’m actually glad about it. It doesn’t look great but I don’t look like a clown so I’m counting this as a positive. And, even better, some people noticed and actually liked it. I got there early in the morning and had a nice chat with one of the women in the class. I talked about my fears and she commented on my hair cut and just, in general, it was a nice casual way to brighten up my day. The woman I talked about before also commented on it which was nice because I have this idea in my head that I wasn’t creepy to her.

I’m starting to think she might be attracted to me but I’m honestly not sure. It seemed like she was looking for me early in the morning just to maybe use me as a guinea pig for our morning routine, which I would have liked because she was easy to work with and actually helped me through the process. She generally seems like a quiet somewhat shy person, somewhat similar to me but I’m going to go out on a limb and say she doesn’t have anywhere near my messed up brain so she could actually be… normal. Of course she is most likely just being nice to me as the two of us, along with the rest of our group, has to be together for a full school year (around nine months) and potentially be stuck together at the same work place so it would be beneficial for all of us if we were just decent with one another. I think it would be best if I just treated her as a coworker and, if anything should sprout, then so be it but definitely don’t expect anything or try to move forward with her for a variety of reasons.

Apart from that I actually got to partner up with one of the other few men in the class. This guy is the classic cool kid, stays in the back row, talks and jokes with girls constantly while slacking off. That was my impression of him at first but I kind of got him wrong. He seems to actually be trying and following stuff. He does do some other things that made me have that impression but he’s actually trying and I’m kind of disappointed in myself. I fully admit I stereotyped this guy and I’m glad that he really seems to be going for this as a serious career. Good for him.

Back at my place something annoying happened. I’m not going to get into detail but I sat down fully ready to melt away the stress of working a lot to be greeted by another, more annoying, stress. Tomorrow I have a free day so I’m hoping that I can just relax a bit… while also cleaning my entire room but also focusing on taking away my worries. Tonight I’m just going to relax but tomorrow I’m going to try and finish all of my homework for next week and study for a test coming up. Its really important to work hard and diligently but also equally important to know when its time to put down your work and take a breather, even if its just for a few minutes. Right now I’m going to try and relax while my worries pass me by.

Currently – 8/4/19 (Pain, Anxiety, Sleep)

My day started off pretty early. I couldn’t sleep at all at night so I decided to text a… former friend? I’m not sure what to classify her as. Anyways, texted her asking if we could talk. Nothing came of it and I just ended up trying to sleep. I couldn’t sleep because of anxiety and it only got worse because I, at best, got around like two hours of consistent sleep. As if that wasn’t bad enough I started having chest pains for the first time in my life since I was a teenager… and that pain hasn’t gone away as evidenced by the fact that over 12 hours later I’m still suffering from this pain.

But hey! I do have another friend. And she texted me! And I tried to make her feel better. And she stopped talking to me and I don’t know what to do. Okay. So now I’m just sitting here wondering if I should contact someone to maybe vent about how it feels like I’ve been stabbed through the back and its come out of the other end of my body and I’ve just had this pain for hours and have no idea what to do. The stabbed through the back comment wasn’t about how I feel betrayed right now but the actual physical pain I’m currently suffering with.

I guess I have some pain pills? But I don’t really like using those. If it continues around the time I need to sleep I will take some out of desperation. I don’t like keeping stuff like that around because I’ve considered and made plans to commit suicide before and I feel like keeping that stuff around is just giving me easy access if I ever decide to do it one of these days.

Got some writing done. Obviously not a lot because I am just in pain right now and I can’t really think straight. I would rather not but if this persists to tomorrow I think I’ll just kind of quit the day and sleep in as much as possible. I would like to do that right now but I have to work until at least five more hours. But as soon as I’m able I think I’m just going to go to sleep early.

Currently – 6/11/19 (Elation, Momentum, Plans)

To put this entire blog post into one single sentence: Today went great. That being said I would like you to stick around and hear why! Today was the first day of my job. I was pretty scared to the point where I didn’t even have an appetite the entire day. Going into the office was really unusual. It was a lot smaller than I expected and somewhat informal. I didn’t even have to interview, just signed some papers, and within minutes I was already sent out on the job.

To put it lightly I have pretty bad anxiety. First time walking into the office and being given directions my mind went blank for a few seconds. I was partnered with this other guy and he drove us to the job site. He tried to start up a conversation with me. Usually when this happens I just give answers and don’t engage but I actually engaged! It wasn’t about much and we just talked a bit. The job itself wasn’t super straight forward at the beginning but I got the hang of it eventually.

In any case I think the worst thing was that I had to stand and do physical labor most of the day, which was to say it was a very minor bad thing. I tried to push through it but a few times I just wasn’t capable, my body ached so much. The guy I was partnered with was pretty chill about the entire situation and didn’t really chew me out, possibly knowing it would take some getting used to. The job took a fairly long time but it eventually got done and both of us got to see the fruits of our labor which was actually really nice.

Of course after all this, the very nice people and the job done fairly well, my anxiety convinced me I had screwed up. I didn’t keep the job, I was going to have to go back on the hunt. I started talking to one of my friends about my day when my boss actually called me up. The entire time I was thinking “Okay he’s going to say something went wrong or he’s going to say that I’m fired.” Turns out that, no, in fact he wanted to know how I felt about the day and whether or not I wanted to return. I was pleasantly surprised, to say the least.

Things feel like they’re actually moving forward right now. I’m not sure what the future holds but from here it looks pretty bright. I’ve got a decent job that pays pretty well, decent coworkers, plans for the future. Its really weird to say this but I think everything is going to work out alright. I talked about how before that things have felt so bleak and, while I know its going to get better, I just can’t imagine it. Well… it feels like things are actually getting better right now!

I’m not going to let this momentum go. I feel like I’m going to ride with it for as long as I can. Its time to learn new things, experience new things and get out of my comfort zone… just a bit. I’m not ready for absolutely everything. I wonder how long this will last. But, instead of worrying about the future, I think I’m going to go into this with cautious optimism. I know first hand that situations can turn ugly extremely fast but right now I feel like I’ve taken a first step into the rest of my life. I’m not going to run, definitely not crawl but maybe just a light stroll through this new adventure. I’ve got time to spare.