Currently – 10/9/19 (Social, Family, Exercise)

For once I… actually had a not great day at class. I’m not sure why, everything was going well. I guess I just started to feel left out near the end of the day for a superficial reason that doesn’t really warrant mentioning. I kind of just felt this deep loneliness well up inside of me, despite being around other people who wanted me to talk. Maybe its just a chemical problem in my brain or something. I don’t know.

Further pushing the bad part of the day in my dad called me out of nowhere, during the class, just to ramble on about some dumb stuff. Talking about how I sounded angry on the phone yesterday or something. As he was talking I could hear his face was swelled up, like his mouth just couldn’t form words properly. Not wanting the conversation to go on for any longer than it had to I just placated him, saying I wasn’t trying to hang up as quickly as possible. I was mad, actually. He called me yesterday in a concealed effort to snipe at me and call me out for perceived laziness.

A few hours later my mom called me up to ‘check up’ on me as well. She explained my dad was just completely out of it mentally and I could hear him on the other end as she yelled out what I was saying all the while I was trying to forget about the day and relax for a bit. This annoyance with my parents may seem unusual or even cruel considering my dad is basically on his death bed with cancer but I’m not going to go into too much detail. Basically they’ve been doing this stuff all my life and, even now nearly pushing 30, I can’t escape from them treating me like a child. It was annoying when I was a teenager when they did this which told me they had no faith in me, now its degrading and just brings back old memories. I can’t help but feel they stunted my growth which has lead to me today being socially inept, single and about as sexually knowledgeable as an average teenager.

So I guess I want to channel these feelings into something more productive. Before it was food and video games now its… well its still food and video games but maybe lets fit some exercise into it. I keep catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror and immediately disliking everything I see. I don’t really want to be ripped but I really just want to tone everything down to a point where if I took off my shirt I wouldn’t be embarrassed. I looked up some videos on how to tighten up my core, and now my recommendations have been pushing even more stuff on me. I found some pretty rigorous things online that I’ve been doing every morning, afternoon and night and I actually feel really good and have seen some decent results in just a few days. Hopefully I can keep up with this.

Currently – 9/16/19 (Sleep, Sick, School)

Started out my day in an interesting way: my dad calling me up at 2 am to question me on something he has no knowledge of from being given false information because his mind is so gone he can’t even distinguish between time, sleep schedules and how dark it is outside. So… ya. He woke me up at 2 in the morning just to question me about missing a class… which I haven’t, and my only recourse was to quickly correct him and go back to sleep. My best guess for the reason I woke up was because I thought it was my friend contacting me as I am a pretty deep sleeper. Disappointed to say the least.

Looking at the title you can already guess that I’m still sick, albeit not as bad as yesterday. A few sneezes and coughs with some congestion but I’m still trying to get through the day. I think later I’ll take a long hot shower and then get some tea. Ideally I would just straight up eat some raw onions to clear my sinuses but that’s probably not possible. Instead I’ll just continue to drink as much water as possible in an effort to flush my system.

I did go to school today, partially to spite my dad if I’m being honest. I think my mom saw me on Friday not going to class and immediately assumed without asking me then mentioned it to my dad. My best guess is tomorrow I’ll be forced to correct them to which they’ll deflect their accusatory statement to be one of weak praise. If you can’t tell by my writing tone right now I am pretty bitter.

Anyways, school. We’re starting some more practical stuff now which is my weakness so that’s good. Hopefully I can pick up on all of this stuff so when it is finally time for me to go out into the internship program I can be fully prepared. Still not looking forward to needles. Right now we’re working on checking vitals like blood pressure, breathing, heart rate and something else that escapes me. Like I said the actual practical applications are my biggest weakness so I’m hoping that I can get better at that. In an effort to put myself forward rather than keep my head down I volunteered to be a test subject, so that’s cool.

I guess my biggest worry is about being perceived as creepy. Throughout my time at high school (13-17) I was always the weird guy. I could handle it at times but there were moments where it was unbearable, like a friend of mine making it somewhat clear he believed me to be a school shooter which is always fun to hear from someone you thought was on your side. I actually had somewhat of a conversation with a group of people which was nice. I’m always wary not to move beyond my boundaries so interjecting myself into a currently ongoing casual discussion successfully was a nice boost to my self confidence. Now that I look back on it, today wasn’t all that bad.

Currently – 9/3/19 (Better, Numb, School)

If you’ve been following my recent posts you’ll notice me being… not great. That was the same for today as well. No energy to do much of anything than just be sad. Later in the day my dad had me take him on a short but annoying errand. I don’t like spending time with him, recently more so. His mind is gone but he wants to talk so much of what he says is either repeated ad naseum or he gets tripped up mid sentence. So I got annoyed and it somehow made me feel better? I guess I would rather be annoyed than sad.

Anyways, a few hours after that and I still feel sort of just… numb I guess. Although there were some annoyances that basically gave me a migraine but at least I wasn’t feel like I was before. Tonight was family night again and I honestly just don’t like doing it at all. I have my own problems with my mom and you’re just adding my dad onto the equation. Tonight’s main irritation was that my school is going to start on Monday so we went to check to see if everything was ready. Turns out this class, apart from being pretty expensive, requires a bunch of annoying stuff on top of it such as we have to buy our own expensive books, I have to adhere to a dress code and I need some medical tests done. This doesn’t feel normal to me but I guess I’ll roll with it.

My mom does this thing where she’ll read everything on a paper, and I mean everything. Its a good practice for writing, I guess, but it gets really annoying. Like she’ll read off specific websites and even sources or just little blurbs here and there. I get why she’s doing it but that doesn’t make it any less inane. Afterwards I keep getting interrupted trying to listen to music or whatever by a needlessly long diatribe that my dad goes on that has nothing to do with anything and I have to sit there and listen to him ramble on for what seems like a solid five minutes of non stop talking.

So I’m back at my place with a building headache and not sure how to cure it. I think I’ll drink a lot of water. Maybe that will help. I think my biggest problem is stressing over the classes. My family is putting up the money for me to do this so there’s a real pressure to make sure I get all of this right. I’m thankful for this opportunity but also annoyed that all of this is happening and I’m just sort of strapped in for the ride. Then again who knows. Maybe this is the first step towards the rest of my life.

Currently – 8/16/19 (Annoyed, Time, Lost)

Today was another one of those days. A day that starts off pretty decent and you’re actually making an effort to be a better person only to be derailed by one thing or someone in particular. Started off the day with a shower and washing clothes, something productive. While washing my clothes I was watching Netflix when my dad called me up and asked me to take him somewhere kind of far away. Little by little he kept annoying me. Yesterday he called me up in the middle of something to ask me about a thing he should already know and at the wrong time so it was just feeding into today. Turns out the thing he ‘needed’ me to do was already taken care of so I just wasted my gas and time. To make matters worse I was in a bad mood but didn’t want to discuss it so he decided to start guilt tripping me about how he paid for some of my stuff so I should help him… while not also realizing that he said fairly recently he wouldn’t pay for that stuff anymore.

I’ve never had a good relationship with him and now that he’s been immobilized by cancer its just making everything worse. He’s still as vindictive, self important, know it all and highly critical as ever but now I have to assist him with basic needs every so often. Its like taking care of a baby that’s berating you while you’re changing its diaper. Every single tv show or movie I saw about a person getting cancer was always dignified or tragic and the whole situation brought everyone together regardless of how horrible the person who was diagnosed with the disease acted in the past. I like fairy tails but this is just too far out there.

I’ve said previously I’ve felt alone and its only getting worse. I’m debating on whether I should just call up a person but I think if they just ignore me… like they’ve done as of late, that’s just going to make me feel even worse. Of course there’s the idea that they may come back and pretend like nothing happened and I think that’s just going to piss me off. I know you don’t do this to other people, so why do you think its okay to do this to me? I might be overreacting but I never understand people who screen calls or texts. If you don’t feel like talking just say so. Relationships aren’t a game.

I really feel like going on a trip right now. Not somewhere super far away but maybe closer to nature. Where I live its all concrete and metal and I think its effecting me. There’s parks nearby but it has this air of falsehood to it. Plants are pruned and shaped in a very specific way, nothing is out of place and most of it is surrounded by more concrete and metal. I want nature to be chaotic. I want plants to overtake conventions. I want to see animals so unafraid of humans that they’ll walk up to you out of pure curiosity and so confident in the fact that this is their home and you’re a strange new visitor to be inspected. I wish there was a place like that.

Currently – 8/15/19 (Depressed, Annoyed, Stagnation)

I have just been really depressed as of late. There’s a few main core reasons but I don’t feel like talking about them is going to amount to anything. At this point its been increasingly difficult to do anything productive. Today I woke up immensely later than I usually do and just couldn’t bring myself to do anything work related. I ate extremely late as well, more out of an obligation not to starve rather than actually being hungry.

I understand completely that this isn’t sustainable. This depressive state is just absolutely draining and impossible to do anything worth while. I’m really tired of feeling this way. I want to change more than anything but I’m not sure how. At the very least I want an hour of being normal and the rest of the day could be me being depressed. Which sounds weird but I just want to be able to do things again. I can handle being depressed but I don’t want to do nothing about it or just nothing in general.

I really want to start writing again. Its not like I have any ideas on how to move forward but whenever I put my fingers to the keys I almost always just immediately bounce back into a creative mood. It also keeps my mind off of the annoying and bad things in my life so it feels healthy for me as well. I’m a pretty quiet person so writing for me is just about getting all of my thoughts and feelings that I’ve been bottling up out into the world for others to experience. My voice may not reach far but my words do. I’m still floored seeing the stats of this blog, knowing people in countries I’ve never been to occasionally visit.

I’m thinking that tomorrow, or even after this, I’m going to start doing some healthier stuff to promote a better life. Exercising on a consistent basis would be great. Of course writing more frequently or just at all is definitely up there. I actually kind of want to talk to people as well, not via text but with my actual voice… occasionally, I still feel awkard around people. I wish I lived closer to people I was in a better place with so I could interact with them in the real world but so be it. I think right now I’m going to set some sort of reminder on my phone to exercise so I don’t forget. Hopefully it goes well.

Currently – 7/27/19 (Work, Progress, Unsure)

Did some more work on my book today. Though I feel like as each day passes I’m doing less and less work on this thing. I’m not sure if I should change that or not. Force myself to write or allow it to flow? Maybe I’ll just give it some time. Either way some amount of progress was done.

Also worked at my temporary job today. Its pretty easy all things considered. Just basically on standby in case anyone needs anything. I do some work on occasion but its small and not really anything to fret over a lot. Have yet to be paid. Wondering when a paycheck will come by I think it will. In the meantime I still haven’t cashed in my check from my old job so that’s a bit of a safety net. I should cash it as soon as possible.

Pretty much every day I keep thinking about a bunch of things. Mentally torturing myself is a better way to put it. Can’t sleep, can’t eat, can’t relax without thinking about this stuff. Its kind of infuriating and making me feel sad. I think right now I just want to be numb to it. Forgetting seems impossible and could backfire.

I keep thinking about all the things I’ve done and haven’t. Keep thinking I’m a failure. Its not like I want to have these feelings, its just that my brain won’t let me have a moment to myself. I know I’m not a perfect person, far from it, but I’m trying. All I ask is that I not constantly torture myself over all of these mistakes. How can I learn from them if I’m always thinking about how I screwed up? There’s a time to beat yourself up for messing up but there’s also a time to ask yourself “Alright now what can I learn from this to not do it anymore?” Maybe I’m still in the previous stage.

Currently – 7/20/19 (Family, Annoyed, Tired)

I decided to cut the weekend at my parents’ house short. Usually I’ll leave early Sunday in an attempt to beat the traffic and have an excuse not to go to church. Last night my dad kept me up well past 2 am. As you know I have sleep problems of my own already so when I really want to sleep I just go for it. I started actually getting tired so it was the perfect balance. Not only did I want to sleep but my body agreed and we were perfectly in sync at the moment.

However, instead of going to sleep I had to cater to my dad’s whims. Every so often he would get up to try and go to the bathroom and I had to help him stand up to which he would either just sit down because it was too painful to stand or he wasn’t able to use the bathroom. This happened at least three times, once when I had already laid down and was halfway into deep REM sleep. If that wasn’t bad enough he just kept talking in his sleep so I had to keep an ear open thinking he actually needed my help.

If it was just that I could handle it but no. Cut to me waking up suddenly to hearing my dad yelling. Of course I’m thinking something is seriously wrong but in actuality he was just trying to get someone’s attention to try and go to the bathroom. After I’m done I feel like going back to sleep because I’ve gotten, at best, four hours of sleep. What instead happened was a three hour long ordeal of me trying to cater to my dad’s wishes and never satisfying them.

My final breaking point was when he asked me what time it was, which seems pretty innocuous but for him will often trigger a pattern that every five minutes he’ll ask what the time is. Worse yet is that we actually have an Echo in the home and all he needs to do is ask it what time it is, which is also annoying but at least I don’t have to tell him fifteen times in a row. Making matters worse it feels like he’s mocking me with the time, like he’s reminding me of how little sleep I’ve got and how long I’ve been forced to cater to his needs. I storm out of the house with all my things and head back to my place. Even worse still he calls me to essentially guilt me for leaving and leverage that he pays off my car bill and I need to be there for him but ‘allows’ me to leave.

Part of my reference when it comes to writing is consuming as much content as possible for whatever genre I’m hoping to write for in an attempt to get an idea of how I should start the story. Something I’ve been meaning to watch all these years was Twin Peaks because I’m writing some supernatural/cerebral horror. A character in the show becomes disabled and forced to be cared for by a character they abused in the past and they have a horrible time of it. I wasn’t expecting the show to have such relevance for me.

I know I haven’t talked about my family life all that much but its not great. My main desire when it comes to getting a job is to become financially independent enough to the point where I can move away and not be forced to interact with them. I feel trapped, like I’m under someone’s thumb. And at the same time I feel conflicted, as if I know how I should be acting and feeling right now but my past prevents me from having the normal reaction to my parent dying. Talking about it this way genuinely feels monstrous and its difficult to be truthful. I just want this to end.