Today was another one of those days. A day that starts off pretty decent and you’re actually making an effort to be a better person only to be derailed by one thing or someone in particular. Started off the day with a shower and washing clothes, something productive. While washing my clothes I was watching Netflix when my dad called me up and asked me to take him somewhere kind of far away. Little by little he kept annoying me. Yesterday he called me up in the middle of something to ask me about a thing he should already know and at the wrong time so it was just feeding into today. Turns out the thing he ‘needed’ me to do was already taken care of so I just wasted my gas and time. To make matters worse I was in a bad mood but didn’t want to discuss it so he decided to start guilt tripping me about how he paid for some of my stuff so I should help him… while not also realizing that he said fairly recently he wouldn’t pay for that stuff anymore.
I’ve never had a good relationship with him and now that he’s been immobilized by cancer its just making everything worse. He’s still as vindictive, self important, know it all and highly critical as ever but now I have to assist him with basic needs every so often. Its like taking care of a baby that’s berating you while you’re changing its diaper. Every single tv show or movie I saw about a person getting cancer was always dignified or tragic and the whole situation brought everyone together regardless of how horrible the person who was diagnosed with the disease acted in the past. I like fairy tails but this is just too far out there.
I’ve said previously I’ve felt alone and its only getting worse. I’m debating on whether I should just call up a person but I think if they just ignore me… like they’ve done as of late, that’s just going to make me feel even worse. Of course there’s the idea that they may come back and pretend like nothing happened and I think that’s just going to piss me off. I know you don’t do this to other people, so why do you think its okay to do this to me? I might be overreacting but I never understand people who screen calls or texts. If you don’t feel like talking just say so. Relationships aren’t a game.
I really feel like going on a trip right now. Not somewhere super far away but maybe closer to nature. Where I live its all concrete and metal and I think its effecting me. There’s parks nearby but it has this air of falsehood to it. Plants are pruned and shaped in a very specific way, nothing is out of place and most of it is surrounded by more concrete and metal. I want nature to be chaotic. I want plants to overtake conventions. I want to see animals so unafraid of humans that they’ll walk up to you out of pure curiosity and so confident in the fact that this is their home and you’re a strange new visitor to be inspected. I wish there was a place like that.
I guess this is a first for this blog. All of my posts up until now have been using a computer. Right now I’m using mobile. Apologies beforehand if this doesn’t work out super well. I’ll (hopefully) find out later.
Was today a good day of writing? I’m honestly not sure. I got some writing done but hit a wall early on. I felt like taking a minor break by watching the new episode for a show. Ultimately that ended up becoming a nightmare because I found out the Internet wasn’t working. I tried everything and eventually it was all I could think about. Nearly twelve hours later I learned the bill just straight up wasn’t paid so here’s hoping that changes tomorrow.
I think the biggest part of no internet for me is the idea that my ability to not think about bad stuff is drastically reduced. I usually just turn off my brain for a bit to either play games or watch some tv. Its not great for me becoming a more whole and complete person but I would rather stagnate than suffer. Today’s particular suffering was being lonely and staring at sent messages left unreplied. So lacking internet connection I decided to take what I call a depression nap so most likely I will be awake for the whole night… with no internet.
I’m going to stop using the “I” word for a bit. One of the biggest problems I have with this age is the fact its so immensely easy to communicate with other that when you don’t get to its a much bigger thing. Sending letters could take months, telegrams weren’t exactly common and still had to go through the postal service, even phones were limited to being in homes attached to cords or you had to be rich to afford a massive brick that had a better life less than a mayfly. Now I can literally talk with someone nearly halfway across the world… or in my case send them a message and not receive a reply for days.
I get that people are busy and lives get in the way but I can’t help but feel its a slight against me. Even worse it reminds me that I’m no one’s favorite person. I take no priority in anyone’s life, I’m never the first or last person on their mind. And in this case I’m, at best, second priority when it comes to talk to. I’m not even sure if I’m tenth on their list of people preferred to talk to. Just once in my life I want to be that person. Someone who is constantly at the back of their mind, just the mere utter of my name sends a pleasant shiver down their back, a flutter of the heart, someone who counts the minutes until they can see me again. Can I just take priority in someone’s life for once? I’ll settle for second.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I was trying to convince myself that this new project was making me sad because the subject matter was pretty depressing but I think this is beyond that. I reached out to a friend to talk and she was unresponsive. I would have preferred that she just tell me off or not even respond at all but she kind of did. I thought we were going to have a quick back and forth before she went to bed but then just nothing. I responded and she didn’t.
This happens often. I reach out and no one responds. I just really want someone to talk and relate to, maybe bounce feelings off. I think I just really miss that feeling of contact with someone as weird as that sounds. Just being present, feeling someone else right there with me. Not in a sexual way but rather to ground me, make me remember where I am. This room is starting to become a prison.
My project is going fairly well, though. Of course as I mentioned the subject matter is bringing me down. I have the drive to write but then feel terrible after about an hour long session. This isn’t healthy. Doesn’t feel healthy anyways. Problem is I can’t just switch to another project. I just sit there with an open file and a blank mind. I can deal with writer’s block but not this.
I just don’t know anymore. Not sure what to do or what to think. Can’t tell anyone about it because no one’s listening. I feel really tired right now. I think I’m going to take a nap. Maybe when I wake up things will be better. Of course I know that it won’t be but… I can dream.
Its difficult being away from someone for so long, especially when you want to meet that person for the first time. I have a tendency to romanticize someone the longer I go without seeing them. Its worse with this person because I haven’t actually seen them before as our relationship has been completely online. As unhealthy as it may be my current goal in life is just to be with them. I think its because they came in at exactly the right, and wrong, time. I started forming a connection when they were feeling down and they reciprocated when I was feeling down. I can’t remember the last time I had a relationship like that.
I keep dreaming about them. Just being near them. There’s a part of my brain that’s trying to convince me that when I get to meet this person everything will make sense and fall into place. We’re going to be inseparable, its going to be an amazing relationship, I’m going to love where she lives and immediately want to live there and the two of us are going to move into together! And the other part of my brain is the complete opposite. Beating me and these feelings down. She’s going to hate you, the place she lives is going to be perfect but you can’t stay and she will want nothing to do with you. I think the biggest problem is neither side is rational.
Of course to even get there I have to earn some money and ideally that means I need a job or otherwise gainful employment. I’ve been looking into some freelance jobs and they all seem really awful. I keep hearing other people talk about how they’re the worst, how its soul crushing and you get paid so little. At the same time these thoughts are poisoning my perception of the jobs I see. I keep seeing red flags, some very well warranted mind you, just looking at these jobs. Of course I have to wonder: Are my perceptions being clouded by outside stimuli?
What do you do when you can’t trust yourself? I’ve asked myself this a lot and I honestly haven’t come up with a decent answer. The best I can think of is to stop living in my own head. Get out and not focus on all these thoughts bouncing around my head. But how do I get out of my own head? Meditation? Therapy? Maybe I just need to talk about it in general? I literally have no idea what to do.
I guess I can think about this rationally. A freelance job could lead to better opportunities. Its something you can do in between jobs. This person, as much as I like her, is a human being. She’s probably not catfishing me and all the time we’ve spent talking to one another definitely seems real. She doesn’t live in the most perfect place ever and if I want to get into a relationship where we decide to move into together that’s going to take some serious time and effort to the point where we both trust each other. I’m willing to work towards things I want. Maybe I just have to get out of my own way and walk forward somewhat blindly. The way in front of me is dark but there’s probably a light on the other side.
To put it lightly the job search has been slow. I’ve broadened my range of things I’m willing to apply for, which is sensible. I’ve heard that jobs in the sanitation industry are actually fairly well paid. And I also thought they would have a low bar for entry. I keep telling myself I’ll get a call back really soon but its hard to keep my spirits up.
My mornings are just waking up and not at all ready to take on the day. Best thing I can do productively is really just take a shower. Just feeling so empty and drained. Its hard to do much of anything when the first thought on waking up is a slight bit of hope before its dashed as I look at my email to find junk or just… nothing. I can’t even really make any effort to go further from where I am. I thought about trying to learn a new language in the meantime or start writing more frequently, but I just don’t have the drive to do it.
Since I’m working on an ever thinning budget I can’t really go out just to get out of my own head space. My car’s gas tank is running lower and lower and what little savings I have I’m keeping just as a small backup. I suppose we both have that in common, my car and I. Just about running on fumes at this point. Problem is the car is an easy fix, just pull into a gas station and fill it up. Me? Not so simple.
I keep thinking about calling a friend, or anyone, just to talk. But every time I do they always seem busy and I feel guilty for taking up their time. However more than that I would have to go through the whole song and dance of explaining that I’m no longer employed. I know they mean well but I don’t want platitudes. I want results or solutions. That seems selfish as I say it. They mean well and I should appreciate it. In fact I do. Truly. But I just feel so tired.
I’m going to try and stay positive. Tomorrow is always another day. Who knows? I could get a call for an interview tomorrow. At least I hope so. I’m caught between continually looking at and refreshing my email or just ignoring it and focusing on myself, neither of which seems smart. If I keep looking at it I’m just going to get disappointed and lack any motivation. Of course there’s always the small possibility that I’ll eventually get a call back. I have to find something productive to do in the meantime but what that is I just don’t know. I really do hope the sun rises tomorrow but right now it just seems impossible.