Currently – 10/10/19 (Work, Weekend, Alone)

And so begins my three day weekend starting off with taking an extra shift at my job. I was just leaving class when I got a call asking to take over a shift. I don’t have to do it but I want the extra money and the work isn’t really all that difficult but its just a shame because I was hoping I could just have some relaxation time for myself. Also I’m not sure when I’ll be let off so right now I think I’m going to have to work until the night which sucks.

Of course the weekend sounds nice until I realize that I really have nothing to do and also my ‘weekend’ is Friday since I have to work on Saturday and Sunday. No one really to talk to or hang out with. The only thing I really do on Fridays now is catch up on chores and homework, which isn’t terrible but it feels like I’m not doing anything. I really want to hang out with someone but not only do I not have anyone I can do that with but also I’m trying to save up my money.

I honestly don’t know what to do. Maybe I should put myself out more in class but then again it would be awkward if I tried to reach out to someone only to have them shut me down then I have to spend almost a year being around this person, constantly reminded of how little they think of me. Of course it could work out well but end up poorly which is just the same situation again. I really hate being a defeatist but I’m also, unfortunately, proven right a lot of the time. I think right now I just want to exercise until my body is too tired to stay awake anymore.

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Currently – 10/5/19 (Fitness, Lonely, Writing)

I decided against going on a fast today and I think I’ll push that into tomorrow as well. Not really any particular reason, if I’m being honest. Just… not going to do it. As a consolation I’ve been trying to eat a bit healthier in the meantime so its not a complete waste. Also my core feels a little better so I think I’ll do some sit ups later tonight, if I can remember. Last time I really pushed myself to go a lot further. I did a… small number of sit ups until I started to feel pain but I pushed through it and almost tripled the number so I’ll probably not do that.

I was considering contacting someone today as I was feeling pretty lonely. I decided against it for no real reason at all other than maybe laziness or not wanting to try and contact someone but having them shut me down or, worse, ignore me. It just really sucks that I can’t get that little bit of socialization, even if its just for a few minutes or just checking in to see how they’ve been doing. I can’t help but feel like I’m purposefully being ignored like I’m not anyone’s first choice to talk to. Is it my fault?

In less depressing news I’ve started yet another book idea. I just really want to finish one of these things. I was looking online and saw some symptoms of ADHD and it just kind of clicked in me. Maybe I have it and its the problem why I can’t seem to finish anything? I guess the only way to know for sure is to get checked out but I’m not even sure how I would go about that, not to mention the fact I just straight up don’t have any health insurance so it would probably be a lot more expensive to get the test done, let alone the medicine to potentially fix my brain. It feels like there’s a solution just right in front of me and I can’t solve it due to very small and insignificant things. Like happiness is just through a door but some caution tape is the only thing keeping me from getting there.

Currently 10-2-19 (Class, Lonely, Reflection)

And so continues the ongoing adventures of me going to class. I’ve been trying to interact with my classmates a bit more for a variety of reasons. Mostly because many of them have asked me why I don’t and I don’t have a good answer plus we’re stuck together for almost a year so I might as well make the best of it. At the beginning I just had a friendly chat with a group. Nothing really specific just trying to pretend that I’m a normal person.

Later we started talking again during our break. Pretty much everyone started talking about who they were with dating wise and I just realized how alone I felt. For context the last person I could ever remotely say I was dating was in high school over a decade ago. I’ve never done ‘anything’ with anyone so there’s that extra punch. I’m almost 30 years old and I have about as much experience as someone half my age. Even then, now that I think about it, they probably have more.

I just kind of got depressed for a while. Most of what I thought previously was just dashed within a few moments. I was forced to realize that, despite my age, I haven’t done anything. I totally support someone’s right to not do those things if they want and I don’t think that someone who hasn’t done those things is a weirdo but at the same time I really wanted that stuff. I can’t help but look at myself and think about why I’m not able to get that stuff. Not necessarily sex but just companionship in general.

Part of me feels like I’m blowing this out of proportion but another part knows why I’m feeling like this. It isn’t about age but time. I really do want to have a fulfilling relationship with someone and the fact that, despite my efforts, I can’t get that satisfaction is both alienating and depressing. Someday just seems so far off. All I can do is look at now and wonder why it hasn’t happened yet. Even worse is asking myself if it ever will.

Currently – 9/30/19 (Better, Restless, Alone)

I did something, that I’m somewhat ashamed about, and it made me feel better. Even with the anonymity I’ve tried to cultivate here I’m not comfortable talking about it. I will say that what I did was perfectly legal so lets not blow it out of proportion. It was kind of insane how just doing it made me almost instantly feel better. It also made me remember I had some homework I needed to finish and I got it all done before bed. I feel like talking about it more will reveal what it is so I won’t go too far into it but I feel a lot better.

Of course feeling better doesn’t mean I’m fine. Its like I was hanging off the side of a cliff and now I’ve pulled myself up. I’m still far too close to the edge for comfort but the main danger has passed. I guess now I feel like I have a better handle on my class a bit more. Last test I got back I just barely failed it by one point but the test I got back today was nearly perfect. Obviously both tests had wildly different subjects but the number was what I’m mainly looking at. I really need to buckle down and study so I can make sure that never happens again.

I still feel really alone, though. Not really connected to anyone. Especially today where it seemed like a lot of people were avoiding me. But, as usual, all I had to do was put myself out there a little bit. Engage with people and try to talk with them, be open and available, not just content with sitting in the corner and hoping others notice I would like to have some human connection. At the end of the day someone did initiate me in some way. Though it was definitely a very last minute thing, it felt good to have someone notice me even if it was just in a small way.

I think the biggest problem right now is I don’t know how to solve my problems. I hate math as a subject but I like the idea of concrete solutions. I dislike the idea that there’s so many unknown variables to life that you could end up being confused because you did everything that should have worked and yet failed. I know life would be a little more boring if there was a clear solution but boring is preferable to suffering in my book. It would be really nice if the answer was easier to find.

I’ve been thinking a lot about writing again. I’m not sure when I actually have the time now. Technically I do right now but my brain is just so… I honestly don’t have a word for it, that I can’t really do anything. My mind wants to be creative but my body just can’t. Hopefully I’ll find a solution. No matter what happens in my life I still want to write and create. No matter how much destruction and chaos keeps happening around me I still want to create.

Currently – 9/29/19 (Depressed, Lost, Alone)

More work today. Not much to say. Although someone did something pretty annoying to me that really set my day off. I gave myself a slightly easier task to do but someone went behind my back and switched it with something more difficult. Its taken me a long few years to get my anger under control but, I’ve got to be honest, when people do that it absolutely infuriates me. Obviously I’m not going to do anything. This job is the only thing that’s keeping me afloat.

The one problem I have with dealing with my anger is that my mood is very fleeting and changes fast. I’m not sure why but it takes a complete turn afterwards and begins amplifying my other moods. Today’s mood would be depression. I have a lot of problems that I need to essentially just vent to someone but that’s not happening. So then I get to thinking about how many people I have in my life and the amount of people who actually care for me and then I get depressed because when you can literally count that number on one hand and not even use up all of your fingers you would also get really sad.

Unfortunately there is no cure for that, as usual. I just have to sit here and wallow in my own sadness, alone. When I wallow I don’t take it out on others but myself. I think of why no one wants to be around me and internalize how I’m just going to be alone forever because of the way I am. I’m really trying to be a better person but when there’s no benefit at the end of this I can’t help but feel I should just be as terrible as I’ve always been. But I won’t because I have at least a bit of a conscience.

If you’re reading this I want you to know how terrible it is to be lonely. And if you’re having problems with the people you care about in your life understand that if you care about them and they care about you that you should seek to fix that. Its agonizing going home to an empty, cold house. Eating alone and going to bed alone is draining. I don’t want to keep doing this anymore but I’m not sure how I can stop it.

Currently – 9/14/19 (Work, Money, Alone)

Another weekend, another day at my part time job. Its easy and the pay is decent for the amount of work I put in. My only real concern is the lack of freedom on the weekends. I’m not complaining that I have a job that is enough to pay the bills, rather I dislike the fact that my weekends are now devoted to keeping myself afloat for the time being. Feels like I’m becoming more of an adult which I’m not into. I’m not going to act childish about this but I don’t want to work my entire life. I’d rather just be getting by rather than have money. You can have all the money in the world but if you don’t have any time to spend it then what is it really worth?

I do have an idea, apart from paying bills and general living expenses, of what I want to do with it. My friend invited me to come to her country and hang out. There’s a lot of things surrounding this that I’m iffy on. First and foremost is the cost. Not even factoring in living expenses for how long I will be staying it would be around a thousand dollars round trip. Second is the idea she may just be being nice and this is more of a formality. Third, I guess, is it ends up badly and I just have this massive hole in my wallet and a bad experience. Also there’s this awful thought in the back of my mind that I have to accept: Is this person worth the time and money?

Look I care about her and she’s great but if I’m being honest I hate the fact that when I try to talk to her there’s a significant chance I’m just going to be met with radio silence. Now imagine that but I’ve spent over a thousand dollars to visit this person and they do it to me when I’m a few feet away from them. I guess its the poor experiences I’ve had with relationships in the past that are making me feel this way. But now I can actually put a tangible cost on potentially forming a greater relationship with this person. If I was rich and money was no object I could go there no problem and if it went poorly I could just walk around this country as a wealthy tourist and potentially visit more places here.

The worst part about this is I’m not sure if having these feelings makes me a terrible friend. I do genuinely care about her but I’m never sure if she feels the same way about me. Its exhausting to put yourself out there, trying to create a meaningful connection, only to have the other party shun you. There was a time when I was really considering uprooting my life and moving to where she was in order to foster a connection but now I’m not so sure. It would be really nice if I could just get definitive answers to my questions as opposed to dancing around the subject.

At the same time I want to be respectful. She’s been through a lot and I don’t want to add to her worries. Then again would it just be better if I were to leave? If I am creating more problems than I can solve, it would be better if I wasn’t in the picture… right? Should I return that silence as well? Would I be potentially ruining something even greater than what is here right now? Better question: Is what I have now all I can hope for?

Currently – 8/16/19 (Annoyed, Time, Lost)

Today was another one of those days. A day that starts off pretty decent and you’re actually making an effort to be a better person only to be derailed by one thing or someone in particular. Started off the day with a shower and washing clothes, something productive. While washing my clothes I was watching Netflix when my dad called me up and asked me to take him somewhere kind of far away. Little by little he kept annoying me. Yesterday he called me up in the middle of something to ask me about a thing he should already know and at the wrong time so it was just feeding into today. Turns out the thing he ‘needed’ me to do was already taken care of so I just wasted my gas and time. To make matters worse I was in a bad mood but didn’t want to discuss it so he decided to start guilt tripping me about how he paid for some of my stuff so I should help him… while not also realizing that he said fairly recently he wouldn’t pay for that stuff anymore.

I’ve never had a good relationship with him and now that he’s been immobilized by cancer its just making everything worse. He’s still as vindictive, self important, know it all and highly critical as ever but now I have to assist him with basic needs every so often. Its like taking care of a baby that’s berating you while you’re changing its diaper. Every single tv show or movie I saw about a person getting cancer was always dignified or tragic and the whole situation brought everyone together regardless of how horrible the person who was diagnosed with the disease acted in the past. I like fairy tails but this is just too far out there.

I’ve said previously I’ve felt alone and its only getting worse. I’m debating on whether I should just call up a person but I think if they just ignore me… like they’ve done as of late, that’s just going to make me feel even worse. Of course there’s the idea that they may come back and pretend like nothing happened and I think that’s just going to piss me off. I know you don’t do this to other people, so why do you think its okay to do this to me? I might be overreacting but I never understand people who screen calls or texts. If you don’t feel like talking just say so. Relationships aren’t a game.

I really feel like going on a trip right now. Not somewhere super far away but maybe closer to nature. Where I live its all concrete and metal and I think its effecting me. There’s parks nearby but it has this air of falsehood to it. Plants are pruned and shaped in a very specific way, nothing is out of place and most of it is surrounded by more concrete and metal. I want nature to be chaotic. I want plants to overtake conventions. I want to see animals so unafraid of humans that they’ll walk up to you out of pure curiosity and so confident in the fact that this is their home and you’re a strange new visitor to be inspected. I wish there was a place like that.