Currently – 11/9/19 (Exercise, Habits, Waiting)

Pretty much this entire time I’ve been thinking about the woman I like. Trying to decided the right words to say or the right thing to do. Or even if I should do anything at all. Right now it doesn’t seem sensible to let this opportunity to pass me by. She feels like someone I want to spend my time with, someone who actually wants to be by my side. How could I let that pass me by without at least trying to understand if my feelings are true or not?

I tried to exercise a bit, get my mind off things. Walked a mile on the treadmill. Kind of impressed by my stamina. Even when I was thin in high school I was never this good. My muscles are definitely stronger and more pronounced and my body feels a lot healthier than a decade ago. Although that could also be my mind. I haven’t felt like I was in a good place for a long time, so right now it feels like everything is going right for me and I have myself to thank for that. Occasional exercise, better diet, being aware and honest about my feelings.

Of course I’d like to say that I’m keeping a decent diet. I decided to eat something that wasn’t super healthy then I thought it tasted good so I’d have a second portion and I might as well have an egg for protein. One of my worst habits used to be overeating. I was definitely obese, at least in the medical term. On the outside I just kind of looked chunky or stocky. Trying to be vegan has changed a lot for me and how I view food. I bought some candy bars to put in my lunch when I go to school. Normally I would have decimated them instantly but a day later and I’ve only had one, which isn’t ideal but I’m definitely happy that I’ve come so far to the point where I can control myself a bit more.

So after I realized I was dipping into a bad habit I decided to take it easy and not think about food. Of course my mind wandered back to that woman who entered my life, how I feel about her and what I should do. Its difficult being honest with someone when every other time you’ve tried to be honest to others you’ve been shot down, ridiculed or been abandoned. I really like her and want her to know that but I’m afraid that I’ll lose her. Then again I can’t stay afraid forever. Either I gain some courage and be honest with her or I watch her move on.

I think my best plan is to put a reminder on my phone the day I get back. Just bombard myself with messages saying “Tell her” or “You’ve got this”. Of course I get this idea on a three day weekend. Not only that but I just remembered all of the homework I have to do as well as a somewhat labor intensive project I still haven’t finished. I just hope I remember this resolve I have now. Most likely I’ll forget it though. I just need to calm myself down but also have enough courage to be honest with not just myself but with her. Maybe something beautiful and rewarding could come about from this, someone who I want to spend the rest of my life with and they feel the same way.

Currently – 11/8/19 (Shopping, Weekend, Food)

I guess I haven’t talked about my finances all that much other than the occasional fear of having nothing. My part time job is enough for all my needs, and I’m definitely thankful for that. The amount itself is nothing great but its enough to pay off the few bills I have on only one paycheck and the rest is essentially mine to spend as I please. There was a time I was saving up to take a trip to London to see someone though that has fallen through so that $700 or so I just used to keep my mind off yet another failed relationship. That isn’t to say I spent it all but I essentially just kept chipping away at it until now I have about half of that left.

Talking to the girl I liked a while ago, even with her minimum wage job, she was asking me about my finances once and was surprised to hear I didn’t really have any savings, at least from the stand point I wasn’t really worried about them. People who know me in person know I’m not someone who likes to hold onto money. I prefer to spend it on others because I feel like it makes them happy and life is short etc etc. Basically if I have enough to pay off my bills and maybe $100 left just to do whatever I feel like with I’m happy. After being fired I kind of started to realize how much more important money is in general. I still, kind of, waste my money but at least I pull myself back every so often just to say “But do I really need this?” Its kind of the same when it comes to how I’m at least trying to be a vegan.

Anyways, I had a check that I decided to cash today so I felt like walking around the mall and at the bookstore. I didn’t end up buying anything, which was somewhat disappointing but at the same time kind of nice because I felt like I had everything I needed. I did go to another store and buy some minor groceries so the day wasn’t completely wasted. Plus I got some walking time in which is always nice.

I’ve been thinking about cooking some more. I bought some rice and beans which is what I was living off of for a while. I’ve been trying to find some deserts that I could make with some basic ingredients like that but I can’t really find anything. Either way I’ve been spending far too much needless money at lunch when I go to class so I’m hoping this will at least shave off a few bucks here and there. I know this all sounds pretty boring but… it was my day so, ya.

I was actually thinking of buying some more cook books but… I mean I have like five already, at least, and I barely look through them at all. I’m kind of disappointed in myself in that regard. I guess I’ve been interested in fermenting and making kombucha but I’m not sure if I’m even allowed to do that where I’m staying, let alone where I’d keep some stuff like that. I wonder if I could make something like fermented rice? I’ve been trying to get more fermented foods in my diet for my digestion, which actually really does work for me. I think I have a book on fermentation with me right now so maybe I’ll flip through it and get a few ideas here and there.

Currently – 11/7/19 (Feelings, Opportunities, Restless)

I decided to shake things a bit up today by getting closer to the girl I like and some of it was pretty overt. Good news is she didn’t pull away but she did comment on it as an after thought. Again, my first an primary goal is to not make her or anyone else feel uncomfortable so if she says no then I stop. In any case, it feels like we’ve gotten a bit closer but unfortunately there’s still a gap I feel needs to be crossed. I was planning on hanging out with her this weekend but she’s going to be busy so I can’t really help it.

Later I started metaphorically beating myself up because I thought about pulling her aside and giving her my number to call me over the weekend. We’re also working on a project so I could have used that as an excuse. However the more thought I gave it I decided she wasn’t really in the right mood and the situation wasn’t really ideal. Either way I feel like I should bring it up the next time we meet and maybe introduce the idea of talking outside of class.

I’m fine with taking a relationship slow if its good so this isn’t really a problem for me. What I ultimately want is to just be close to someone. Sometimes I feel as though every one else gets to have that stuff and I keep getting left behind. Well right now I found someone who seems interested in me and I absolutely can’t let this pass me by without trying. I’ve learned the adage “Nothing ventured, nothing gained” definitely applies to me. The more I put myself out there the better I feel, the more experiences I attempt to gain the more complete and whole I feel. For the first time in a long time I feel like I’m actually, legitimately, in the right place in my life to start a healthy and meaningful serious relationship and not doing this just because I’m lonely. I want to share my life and love and everything else with this person and, for once in my life, I feel like those feelings could be reciprocated.

Currently – 11/6/19 (Class, Feelings, Fear)

Alright. Quick rundown of class. Decent, some new stuff happened. Blah blah blah. Same as ever. I’m not really skipping this but you’ve all heard it before so… there’s not really much I can say. I could have a full paragraph that ultimately ends up being “Yep, just like all previous other days” and I don’t think that’s very interesting.

You could also say the same about this new relationship… but there’s at least some type of development each day. Today was pretty standard as usual but in class we are going to be interacting with each other on a much more physical level. Later days it probably won’t be with this person but tomorrow I will be in actual forced physical contact with them so… looking forward to that like I’m looking forward to going to the doctor. Which is to say it will probably be good for me overall but I am dreading it and the fears are building up.

My biggest fear right now is telling them that I like them and having it blow up in my face. I haven’t had a good life up until this point and there’s things that I just can’t say to people that happened to me because it effectively ruins their perception of me from the standpoint that they treat me less like an individual and more like a victim or a survivor, which I absolutely don’t want. Right now things are the best they have ever been, although the fact my dad is on his death bed and the mixed emotions behind that is definitely not helping. I want to keep what this is currently going on forever if possible even though I know it isn’t. Confessing my feelings to this person could either turn into a relationship or it could destroy this friendship I have currently… although it could also turn into a relationship and then I could have it die during what is a great point in my life.

I keep seeing these things which tell me, with complete certainty, that this person likes me. Not only that but every single interaction I’ve had with them has been pleasant, every bit of information they’ve shared has me convinced that they are the right person for me and are going to make me want to become a better person for them. I fear that I’ll wake up one day and find out all of this was a dream. That I’ve been stuck in the same horrible place I was before and every happy thought or time I’ve had up until now will have been a fantasy. It also feels like I’m being kind of greedy, like I can’t just have a great friendship with someone I also have to be romantically tied to them? If you’ve grown up feeding off the crumbs and scraps that fall off the table being fed a decent meal feels like you’re you’re being spoiled or you somehow don’t deserve it.

Currently – 11/5/19 (Class, Relationship, Unsure)

Pretty standard day, all things considered. Some good, some bad, some annoying. Overall I would say it was good. Honestly there’s not much to say here, unfortunately. Which I guess is good? I mean I would rather have a boring day than a bad day so… alright.

And now comes the stuff I keep harping on about. Look I know its kind of annoying, and I’m sorry for that, but honestly I just need to vent my feelings and talking isn’t even remotely my forte. Unfortunately all opportunities to tell the person I like keep falling flat. I thought I had one at the beginning but that failed and same for the end. What did happen was someone vocalized that they are aware I like this person so at least someone, kind of, knows. I’m guessing a lot more people know than they’re letting on but its an entirely other fact to have it said right in front of you. With the same idea I’ve been toying with just telling someone and trying to get them to spill the secret for me but I feel like it would have much more impact if I said it and I don’t want to be a coward about this.

The positive side of this is I feel more confident each day that they feel the same way as well. Little hints here and there, the way they interact with me, talk with me and often try to be closer to me. This could all, obviously, just be in my head but it feels a lot like this person is essentially beating me over the head with a bat made of their feelings. I guess my plan right now is to invite them out when they have the time to see if anything could come of this. I still want to be respectful of their space just in case I’m making a mountain of an anthill, so to speak. That being said I absolutely can’t forgive myself if I don’t make certain that I know for sure either way.

Currently – 11/4/19 (Class, Opportunity, Compromise)

My morning routine consists of me getting up really early so I can get a shower, brush my teeth and be out the door and on the road in order to ensure I get to class on time while on the ride over I usually listen to some music or put a YouTube video on in the background. I guess I say this to draw a line to how today was a bit different. In anticipation for talking to the person I like I used this app that helps with guided meditation, specifically one for uncomfortable social situations. After a session of that I started listening to an audiobook that I hadn’t for a while called “Unf*ck Yourself”. Basically the idea was to both give me some confidence but also get me mentally prepared for whatever happened next.

Unfortunately things didn’t go as planned, as usual. Another person sat in on the conversation and, now being thrown off my game, all I could really do was stand there and try to mentally shift gears. The day went as normal but I felt pretty defeated. I was dead set on telling them my feelings just so I could get it all out there. The idea of not knowing is pretty agonizing. I moped around a bit but eventually just started listening to the book again. I don’t know if it was the words or the Irish(?) accent of the reader but it really perked me up just enough.

Another plan of mine failed when I went out to lunch hoping the person might follow behind me. However since I was still riding somewhat high on the motivational words of the book I decided to go with it and sat down with the person at lunch. It felt a little weird at first but that melted away pretty quickly and I had some fun but also some nice little time to give a comment or two to them. So instead of bearing all of my feelings and finally getting to know how they felt about me I had a pretty decent day instead, which isn’t ideal but its definitely not terrible.

I’m definitely not quitting my plan to tell them but I don’t want to force it. Little by little as I talk to them I feel like I’m getting closer. Maybe one day the perfect opportunity will present itself. In the meantime I’m going to keep chipping away at this. I really want them to know how I feel and be with them as well but what is here right now is nice. Tomorrow I have another chance and the days after. Tomorrow in particular is going to be a somewhat unusual event so I’m kind of going to try for that. Right now I don’t feel all that down so I’ll just try to be happy with that.

Currently – 11/3/19 (Work, Betterment, Feelings)

Technically still at work right now but I don’t see any way that something could drastically change in the meantime so this is as decent a time as any to do another post. Not really much has changed all that much. Although I guess I tried to make some tofu? It didn’t turn out well. Basically just tastes like flavored nothing as weird as that sounds. I’m debating on tossing out the stuff I made but there’s a small hope in the back of my head that I’ll have a ‘eureka’ moment and find the perfect flavoring to pair it with. Some teriyaki sauce sounds nice right about now but I’ll just have to settle for the soy sauce I currently have.

Like I said in the last post I still want to better myself in any way I can, that includes my whole ‘mostly’ vegan lifestyle I’ve taken on but also the fact I’ve been making an effort to cook more and exercise. I walked a mile yesterday, which is a decent amount. I guess my biggest problem is I’m not seeing or feeling any real effects. That being said I’m happy that I took the effort to do it and I’m not going to deny that it was nice to exercise in general. I think I’ll do some more exercises before bed and maybe try to push it up to two miles. The one mile didn’t really take anything out of me so why not push for a second? I think I might also read a bit from one of my books and also try to catch up on homework.

Pretty much all I’ve been doing is obsessing over what I’ll say on Monday to the person I like. I’ve narrowed it down to just being blunt about it, being somewhat coy or just asking them if they like me. Personally I feel like being blunt is the best way so there’s no confusion but at the same time I don’t know if I have the courage or the stomach to just fully put all my feelings out there in a concise and proper way. At the same time every time I go over what I’m trying to say it sounds like there’s holes that can be punched into it so I guess I have to refine that as well? I absolutely hate situations like this, where you like someone and don’t know what to say, however this person is definitely worth it. I love being around them, they seem interested, its easy to talk to them, they’re nice, funny and to be blunt I am very much attracted to them.

Something that I haven’t talked about is how I get this massive pain in my chest whenever it comes to feelings. Like someone stabbed me in the chest and I just have to sit there. I think its just because my heart isn’t used to romantic situations. If I had an active dating life for a while I might have built up some strength, as weird as that sounds, for stuff like this. But that’s absolutely no reason to stop now. I can’t be afraid of some possibilities or potential outcomes. Someone I really like is right in front of me and, more than anything, I want them to know how I feel about them. Ideally we would get together because of it but either way this is something I feel like I need to do.