Hey. Its been a while. I guess I’m just checking in. Thought about some stuff and I felt like sharing it.
Things have been pretty bad recently. On Thursday I started to mentally dissociate, or at least I think I did. The room was wobbly, my mind was fractured from here to there and it took me a while to center myself. I think I realized there has been something really wrong with me and I can’t just fix it by staying quiet.
No job, tenuous grasp on where I’m staying and my dad passed away. Anyone of these separately would be enough to break someone and I’m dealing with those, and more, all at once. I definitely need some help. And since I don’t really have any medical insurance or enough money to go to a therapist I think voicing them is the best way. This is a good place to start.
My mom told me should would ‘help’ me money wise if I came out to visit her at our family home. Its a long drive so I, not having anything to do on a Friday, decided to come by early. So here I am sitting in the room that I spent some of my childhood in and where my dad died. I packed light, as I won’t be staying long, and I feel like it will help me focus instead of diverting.
After watching Undone, which is a really good show I wish I had known about earlier, I felt a lot of emotions. To put it lightly its a story about a young woman who is dealing with her father’s death so, hey, there’s some parallels. After I was finished I had the urge to walk outside and just look around. Accompanied by my brother’s dog we just walked around my family’s property. My family isn’t rich but we have a pretty large place. The house itself is unusually long but the ‘backyard’ is about an acre long, which is significant if you’re wondering.
The backyard itself is kind of like another world unto itself. I remember all the times where my dad would force me and my brother to do actual hard manual labor as children, cleaning up or what have you. This picture is part of the remnants of my dad’s failed attempt at building a garden in a, more or less, arid desert climate region on rocky hard soil. He could never grow any real vegetables but it could easily grow weeds and other undesirable plants.
There’s also a small ‘pond’ nearby that’s really just an indent in the land that’s capable of collecting water when it rains. I remember times where we would fill it up with hose water from the well that was on the property in an effort to have something similar to a pool. At best it would stay somewhat filled for a few days and then drain away completely, most likely filling back into the well just a few feet away. It feels like wasted effort but the pond was filled, if only for a time, and I had what fun I could with it.
What isn’t pictured here is the other bits and pieces of discarded projects, dreams which never came to fruition. As I walked through these broken pieces being overtaken by weeds I felt kind of sad. Remembering all these moments where we tried to do something significant but it ended up failing. I walked into the partially filled, partially dried up pond area as my brother’s dog ran around happily marking territory away from the coyotes that sometimes wander around the property. As I did my perspective started to change a bit.
Rather than seeing all of the wasted effort and broken promises I began to see something else. Sure, what we tried to do here ended up failing and to an outside perspective it was wasted effort to a degree. But more than that there was life. What we tried to cut away and remove came back with force and vigor, taking back what it had owned as if it had never been taken away in the first place.
Of course weeds are… well, weeds. They don’t offer anything, take what they need and generally don’t look at all pleasing. But along side them are tall strong eucalyptus trees which, at least as far as I feel, have a pleasing smell and make for good firewood if you’re so inclined. So I’m here, standing in this small forest of nice smelling trees when I notice rain starting to fall making small ripples in the water nearby. I couldn’t help but feel a sense of calm and peace for a the first time in a long time. It was the first beautiful thing that I saw in a long time.
Amidst all our failures, our seemingly wasted effort, there were things growing and living here. Life bent and moved beyond what we had done, doing what it must to continue thriving. It didn’t need our help growing. And the pond was being filled with rain water that naturally fell from the sky rather than by some kids from a well. I just started feeling something nearly indescribable.
I don’t know what tomorrow is going to bring but maybe it will be fine. No matter how many times I fail life will do what it must. I can, and should, put all the effort in I can. But if it doesn’t work out then so be it. No effort is wasted effort, even if it seems like it. The blood, sweat and tears you put into work may not yield any fruit but you did put in effort and that should be commended. There’s this quote I have in my phone that just came to mind from Vincent Van Gogh: “If I am worth anything later, I am worth something now. For wheat is wheat, even if people think it is grass in the beginning.”