Currently – 10/21/19 (Disappointed, Diet, Scared)

I guess I kind of have to explain something off the bat. I’m not really on a diet, so to speak. I do try to, and have kept up with it for some bit of consistency, continue intermittent fasting and I eat a mostly vegan diet with light exercise but I wouldn’t necessarily say I’m on a ‘diet’. Like from the stand point I’m restricting myself certain foods in an effort to become thinner or healthier but I wouldn’t call it a diet rather more of a lifestyle choice. So if I decided, being mostly vegan, to eat a burger with fried chicken and cheese slathered fries (or chips, depending on where you live) I could do that… barring the fact it would just straight up destroy my stomach for hours.

That being said I did something really stupid with my diet. Last night I was having some immense problems sleeping seeing as how I usually go to bed around 10 pm but I just barely could sleep at 12 am. As a result I was completely messed up in terms of energy for a long time and, knowing I had class that I have to stay awake for, I went to get some coffee. While in the line waiting to pay I saw some really not great for me junk food that I got because I’m dumb and I can’t think ahead more than a few moments. Just a few minutes ago I almost completely wolfed down all of that awful, unnecessary junk food and, not only am I disappointed in myself, but my stomach also hurts.

I’ve been trying to get into better shape and, while I know this isn’t going to immediately derail all that I’ve done, it just feels like I’ve screwed up everything. Mostly my ‘dieting’ choices are more to promote better eating habits, lessen cravings and increase my overall willpower. My being vegan is more to assist with that and because of all the environmental havoc going on I can’t in good conscience eat animal products without feeling at least slightly guilty. So right now I’m really just disappointed that I, in a moment of weakness, did something really dumb. I thought I was better than this.

Alright so I may be overacting a bit (I mean I literally just devoted three paragraphs to it so, ya, probably). I think right now I’m kind of just spiraling with a lot of emotions going on. I had to leave the class for a pretty significant amount of time because, for the first time since I was a kid, I started having serious chest pains. I think this is due to the fact that I’m seriously crushing on someone in the class right now. I hesitate to say anything, mostly from the standpoint I don’t want that information to be revealed, but also whenever I talk about really really liking someone everything seems to go wrong and the whole thing explodes in my face.

I’m not really obsessed with this person but I’m definitely going out of my way to get into situations where I can interact with them. I am being respectful of their space as much as possible, of course. I’m not going to, essentially, stalk them or anything creepy like that. I’m absolutely not that type of person. I’m just not sure what to do here. If my feelings are rebuked then I have to spend nearly a year being around this person until we can quietly forget the other person existed. Of course there’s this possibility that it could end up being great and we have a whirlwind romance which leads to moving in together and getting married. I really hate having these feelings…

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Currently – 10/20/19 (Work, Restless, Cooking)

Yet another day of work. I hesitate to say I’d like my weekends back because I have literally nothing to do during them. No one to hang out with, nothing to do. I guess I wouldn’t mind having them back, provided I get a regular full time job again. The pay is enough to keep me alive so that’s really my main concern.

I think I’m fully caught up with my homework for tomorrow. Not the make up homework but I still have time to do that so its not a huge deal. I definitely need to check because I am seriously tired of not having the proper work finished each day. Not only from the stand point that I feel kind of like a failure but also its actively affecting my chances to finish this class. At the very least I should minimize the amount of late assignments.

Been feeling pretty anxious to go back to class. Not necessarily because I like it but I have some focus and structure when I do. Its something to look forward to in the sense that I have some set goals I need to accomplish which I feel are making me become a more responsible person. I have never consistently woken up this early this often for anything. Not only that but I’m buying extra things to make my time easier and also getting back into cooking for myself instead of wasting my money on take out so that’s also nice.

Today I cooked something interesting. Basically just a bunch of vegetables and some chicken. Also rice but that was in the rice cooker and I basically forgot about it but also I somehow screwed it up as well? Anyways, I’ve got some lunch for tomorrow. It… sounds gross and, I’m not going to lie, might taste a little funky but its healthy and it gives me the chance to test out my cooking skills for myself. I think its a vegan lunch? I could be wrong but I’ve tried my best to incorporate the stuff I bought recently minus a few items.

I think I’ll try to do some more extra homework before turning in early… hopefully. Right now I can’t think of anything, other than exercises (which I just remembered is something I need to do), that would be productive. I have been keeping up with my homework but unfortunately I’m still doing some bad habits of being lazy. That’s more of an annoyance right now instead of a problem considering that my work, for the most part, is done. I just want to be a more responsible person, I guess.

Currently – 10/19/19 (Cooking, Work, Off)

Finally got around to doing some cooking. It wasn’t much, just a bunch of starter ingredients. I steamed some kale, which mildly improved the taste, and cooked some mushrooms. Not really sure what to do with all of this but… hey, its cooked and ready. I think tomorrow I’ll cook some beans I’ve been meaning to get to.

More work, in multiple ways. Of course there’s my part time job but I’m also trying to get ahead of some homework. I also missed a few assignments that I’m allowed to make up so that’s nice. I believe all the homework for Monday is finished so its just the make up and the extra stuff so I can have a bit of free time, hopefully. Not really that I can do anything with it but so be it.

Sorry for the small post size and the fact I’m doing this a lot later than I promised. I’ve just been feeling really down as of late. No one really to talk to, no one in my life. It just doesn’t feel like there’s a reason to get up in the morning. I really just want some companionship. Not necessarily in a sexual/romantic way, although that would be nice, but I really just want someone who wants to be there for me. Someone who texts me every so often just to see how I’m doing, wants to share great things going on in their life, someone I can just be near occasionally. More than anything I just want to be wanted, if that makes any sense. I want to be someone else’s reason for getting up in the morning, in a positive way.

Currently – 10/18/19 (Cooking, Package, Fine)

Usually on Fridays I get all of the stuff I can’t get done on the other days of the week. Did some laundry, although I forgot to do my sheets which is kind of gross now that I think about it. I’ve been thinking a lot about how I want to be vegan, mostly for environmental reasons, and I decided to buy a bunch of stuff. I was really just going to go in and get some tofu so I could learn how to properly season it and such but I swear I can’t find it whatsoever. I did get some other stuff which was neat. I got an egg substitute I’ve been hearing about for the longest time, which was a really interesting experience albeit far too expensive for me to want to buy it again, and some veggie sausages plus these two massive bags of kale and spinach.

I ordered a thing from Amazon and it still hasn’t come in yet which is extremely infuriating. I kept getting alerts that it was coming but the tracker kept showing the delivery truck was driving everywhere but my place. They were even just a street over, apparently. I have to work tomorrow and I’m not sure how I can pick it up now. I’m kind of angry at this whole situation because its something for my class. I’m kind of worried that this person will just decide to leave my package out on the street and its going to get stolen, not even mentioning how I paid extra to get it shipped faster so I’ll probably have to go through the whole situation of trying to get that money back because it doesn’t seem like the package is coming tonight.

I’m feeling a lot better, in general, right now. My mind is always so busy that I keep messing around with all these things in my head. For me peace is absence or silence. I feel better when my mind is quiet, even for a moment. I decided to move away from some of the things that were making me feel a bit bad so that’s definitely helped. Wondering if I can keep this going for a bit longer. This feels really nice. I know that sounds weird to say after the whole package thing but that’s really minor, honestly.

Currently – 10/17/19 (Off, Diligence, Work)

I keep having this habit of being happy about things that are going on in my life and then it ends up turning sour. I’m not really sure why but if I had to guess its a mental thing that makes me want to destroy things as opposed to building them up. I just felt wrong today. No real specific reason. And the problem is you can’t exactly just come out and say that to people because that’s not really a normal thing people have happen. Normal people don’t feel really happy one day and then depressed the other day for literally no reason.

If I’m being honest I think I kind of overshared. Someone asked me about the scars on my arm, which is pretty standard and a lot of people do. I trusted them and, while making it as vague as possible, made it clear that I haven’t had a good life. Suddenly this person is avoiding me now so that’s great. My go to is to say that I used to work with animals and then found out I was allergic to flea bites, which isn’t a complete lie but I think people pick up on it. Its annoying because I start to trust someone with the fact I’ve had a darker past and then they end up leaving for whatever reason.

Anyways, I am trying to be a bit more diligent. Put myself out there a bit in order to earn some experience. I also bought some optional stuff so that I could help train myself even when I’m out of class. Hopefully I can get a handle on one of my worse subjects. I really want this to work out. It feels like there’s actually something here that I could build into a life and I don’t want to mess it up. Maybe I could get myself into a better place, both in terms of location but also, and hopefully, mentally.

Honestly I’ve got more stuff to do in this class. Tomorrow I’m going to try and put my nose to the grindstone and really do what needs to be done. Maybe I can end up not just getting by but actually succeeding. It feels weird knowing I have some potential that I can use to my benefit. I just hope this isn’t a pipe dream or I screw it up somehow.

Currently – 10/16/19 (Class, Relationships, Comfort)

Its weird how each day I come back to write its usually to talk about how I had a good day at a place most people dream about never going back to. I guess my only real big problem is that I can’t seem to find my footing in the practical aspects of all the work I’m doing. Every so often I’ll hear from someone more knowledgeable that I’ve done something wrong, which sucks because I want to do well obviously. I’m not against failing but what I want to do is learn from that or otherwise just be better. I would rather be chastised for failing than never being able to succeed.

So, anyways, I guess the two things I like are learning and being able to interact with people. My biggest problem with forming relationships is that you have to warm up to me otherwise the relationship will go nowhere fast. So in a setting where I see almost always the same group of people who get to know me a bit better each day that really works out for someone like me, not to mention that every time I talk to one of them (and I am forced to talk to multiple people every day) I get a bit more comfortable not just with them but with myself as well.

Each day I hate myself a little less. That sounds weird but its definitely something I’ve been struggling with for most of my life. So now that I’m in a setting where people basically get to prove those awful thoughts in my head wrong I get to feel a bit better about myself more and more. And it also helps that some of the people seem interested in me as a person and some of my hobbies that I don’t really get to share outside of my own head. I’ve met a lot of nice people and, even though the class has pretty much just started and we have months left together, I’m really going to miss talking to all of these people.

I guess I really just needed some structure in my life. Obviously being fired from two jobs consecutively and being forced to stay at home by myself really took a toll on me, mentally and physically. A lot of people talk about how much they would do if they were given enough time to do it but I was given a considerable amount of time to do anything I wanted and I ended up doing things that didn’t help me whatsoever. Now I really want to get up and go to school, I want to eat better and exercise on occasion. And I, a socially awkward guy who literally used to run away when people talked to me, enjoy talking to people and go out of my way to talk to people both from the sense that I have to but also because I really want to. In short, this feels really nice.

Currently – 10/15/19 (Hospital, Class, Relationships)

While I was in the middle of writing a post my brother called me up and asked me to meet him at the emergency room. I drove all that way and my dad was lying in a hospital bed pretty much out of his mind. I can’t really describe the feelings I was having. My dad’s emaciated body just lying out on the bed, cuts on his face, mumbling incoherently, not even aware I was there. I’m not even really sure how to process what happened other than I just left after a while.

I was going to talk about how school was going in the last post so I guess I’ll just cram that in here. I’ve been talking to more people and getting better marks on my assignments which is good. I still have some stuff I need to work on but overall I’m doing pretty well. Getting more comfortable with everything and able to voice my feelings a bit better.

One thing I keep finding on my mind is wondering how others see me. I suppose that’s more of a general kind of thing but ultimately I’m wondering who I should invest more time into. I’m also still a little awkward around people which I definitely want to change as soon as possible. But little by little maybe I’ll find my way.