Currently – 10/14/19 (Confused, Restless, Unsure)

I hesitate to say that anyone likes me because my mind has been so warped throughout my life its nigh impossible for me to accurately gauge someone’s body language towards me. Also I have a poor self image so when I look at myself all I see is the stuff that I perceive as wrong and think others see that in me. There’s a part of me that really hates it when anyone says that “I’m my own biggest critic” because I’m my own biggest critic and I loathe myself. Its not fun or quirky or anything remotely positive. Being your own worst critic is looking at literally every aspect of yourself and just being disgusted.

With that… thing out of the way, I keep getting these weird looks and actions towards me specifically by some of the women in my class. I thought a few liked me but then I pushed that idea out of my head because it was so ridiculous to think that. Now its happening again so I’ve kind of got this whiplash thing going on. My ultimate goal, still, is to treat everyone in this class with respect and not be… well, even weirder. I think right now I should just enjoy being able to talk to people in a nice way as opposed to trying to form a relationship out of this. If it happens, though, then I’m all for it.

Not really sure what to do in multiple situations in my life right now. That’s pretty standard for me but lately there’s been a lot of those situations. My friend isn’t talking to me, there’s the whole relationships at school thing I mentioned, I think my dad is nearing his final days. I honestly just feel like I’m being pushed and pulled in multiple directions all at once when I really just want to sit and take a breather. Not only that but there’s so much going on that is affecting other parts of my life and I can’t just talk to anyone about this stuff because this stuff is affecting those parts in my life. Its a really weird circle going on right now.

I’d really like to go camping right now. Nothing really heavy just sit in a forest setting, surrounded by trees and nature. Just to hear the sounds of the Earth around me. I like in a pretty rural neighborhood so on a daily basis, and even right now, all I hear is cars passing by. Its even worse at night because sometimes people will have drag races nearby, cars honking at each other and occasionally a train will go by and blare its horn during the time I want to sleep. I want silence, peace, calmness. I want to hear what its like to be a human again, an organism that is just so lucky to be alive on this planet right now.

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Currently – 10/13/19 (Dieting, Cooking, Investing)

I feel like every post I say something negative… I know I’ve said this a lot, but this blog is primarily just my day to day thoughts and such. That being said I feel like every time I get on here there’s always something negative. That’s not to say it isn’t true but maybe, every once and a while, I’ll skip the negatives and just talk about the positives. I’ll probably drop this pretty shortly after, as I am known to do, but let’s try it!

So I’ve been looking at my body and sort of disappointed in what I’ve been seeing. Exercising is something I want to get more into but I should also shape up how I eat as well. I’ve been working on doing some intermittent fasting which… I’m not sure if its working? I guess, maybe, its helping me with my own personal control over not overeating. At least I hope it is. The basic idea is to limit the amount of time I eat down to a period and apart from that I kind of fast. Basically I’m just actively skipping breakfast in an effort to be more conscious of my eating habits. I think its working, at least from the stand point that I’m making plans on what to eat instead of shoveling random things in my mouth at any time of the day.

Today I cooked something really interesting. It was like a chicken stew. Basically just a less watery chicken soup. It actually tasted pretty good so I was surprised. I cook somewhat often but I’m not really adventurous because I’m cooking for other people so this was kind of out of the way for me. I didn’t get any feedback from the people who ate some of it, which kind of sucks because I wanted to know if it was good or not. In any case, I’m pretty happy with what I’ve done so that’s nice.

I’ve been thinking about getting into small time investments as a way to potentially make a lot more money. I signed up with this company called Robinhood and they seem decent? I mean they gave me a free stock for signing up which was nice. Its not a whole lot but its free and if I decide to cash out its literally just all my money… I think. Anyways, I’ve been saving up some money so I could go on a trip and that might not be happening any time soon so I figured why not spend a few bucks and potentially make more?

I guess the investing idea is also to make me more of an adult, as weird as that sounds. I don’t do many ‘adult’ things like finances, going to clubs, drinking or anything like that. I mostly stay at home, play video games and watch tv shows which I’m fine with but most people usually give me weird looks. Not to say I care about what others think because I feel kind of happy just doing this. There’s nothing wrong with what I’m doing so I feel like its just hobbies that aren’t harmful and don’t cost a whole lot, though that can vary.

It would be really cool if this investing thing could get me some actual money that I could use to build a future. I keep having this idea of me being this new age investor type where I’m just wearing very chill and comfortable clothes but I make lots of money and use that to fund a great and adventurous life. I don’t understand why people with vast amounts of money just stay close to all of it and sit on that. Why not spend it on something fun? Life is short and you’ve been basically given a free ticket to see this vast world!

I think I would start traveling to Europe then some of the Asian countries like Japan and China then go to Australia. I also think it would be really interesting to go to India and try some of the local cuisine. It really got into my head after I watched that street food documentary on Netflix. I’ve traveled around a fair bit already in my past, some in America and one trip outside of my country. The header of this blog is actually from Iceland. I guess I just really want to find a place out there where I belong and can be at peace with someone special.

Currently 10/12/19 (Friend, Reading, Lost)

I tried talking to a friend but she didn’t seem interested. I’m honestly not sure where to go from here. Legitimately just considering leaving and not coming back. I think the biggest problem is I’m pretty much always trying to reach out but always kept at a distance. I understand why but I’m not interested in that at all. Personally I don’t feel like I deserve it either. I don’t know. I think I’ll ruminate on it a bit before making any decisions.

I had a weird desire to read today. Thankfully I have a lot of books and just bought some more. I wasn’t interested in anything super heavy so I just flipped through the kombucha book I bought and it had some really interesting things. I’d really like to make some myself but I’m not so sure I would be even allowed to do it where I live. Not to mention I don’t know where to get the bottles and other materials to make it in the first place. Some day, I suppose. I have the book to help me do it so that’s one step completed.

Right now I feel like I’m in a fog. Not really sure what to do. I really hate these moments because its so difficult to get out of them because I can never tell what got me into it in the first place. I guess its because I’m nearly 30 and I still have no idea what to do with my life. I’ve often said that when you’re 30 you’ve pretty much come into what your life is going to be like for the next few decades so if that’s true I’m going to be working minimum wage at a part time job, lonely and still feeling dissatisfied. Ya that’s not exactly a happy idea.

I really want to change my life around but it doesn’t feel like I can. Something is blocking me and, now matter how much I want to surpass it, I can’t find out what is keeping me from my true potential provided I even have any. Is the wall in my head or is it something physical? What can I expect to find over the wall, implying I can even pass it? Is it better to stay on this side than try to surmount it?

Currently – 10/11/19 (Family, Money, Diet)

Continuing the tales of my dad calling me in a drug fueled haze, completely unaware of his surroundings trying to get me to do inane tasks for him believing I’m nearby when I’m actually over 100 miles away and in a different county then my mom is forced to correct him and I’ve just wasted a few minutes and my patience is just a bit thinner. There’s probably a better way to word that but I feel like I need to properly voice how annoyed I am by all of this. Not only did I get a call last night, right as I was making dinner and my dad decided to share some disgusting and weird details, but also today.

If I’m being completely honest I think my dad is nearing death right now and I honestly don’t really care. That seems cold and monstrous but he wasn’t a good dad and we were never close. He’s only recently tried to connect with me, despite the two of us spending years together in the same home, specifically because he’s dying (although I know he won’t admit that). These past few years have just been an absolute drain, the final dragged out woes of a dying man desperately trying to make up for the wrong doing he did to me as a kid with small and pathetic gestures. I won’t be happy when he dies and I don’t think I’ll be sad. I’ll simply accept it and try to move on with my life using him as a constant reminder of the type of father I will never be.

Alright, just felt like I needed to get that out of the way and off my chest. In terms of my day it was okay. I got a check from my job and felt a need to spend some, seeing as how I have enough money to pay off my bills when that need arises. I bought some cook books because I want to just be healthier in general, also a book on making kombucha which I’ve been interested in for a while. I also bought some small groceries in preparation to make some healthier lunches to eat at school as well as finally the wrist watch I’ve been meaning to get for a long time.

If I’m being honest I don’t think the exercise is going too well. It might be because I’m not doing it frequently enough, not enough in general or I’m just too fat so my folds (for lack of a better term) are just getting in the way of a proper work out. I’m absolutely not going to quit but I need to make more changes than doing a few reps every single day which is why I’ve put some effort into, hopefully, trying to make better food for myself. Eating delicious food is always great but I can eat well and good food while also making it healthier for me.

I should really do some research on alternative diets and such. I’ve been watching a few videos on intermittent fasting and that seems like something I’m already doing but need to maximize how I’m doing it. Essentially what I’ll do is on the weekdays eat lunch and dinner but on the weekends its kind of random. I feel like if I cut out snacking and really tighten down the window that I eat my, now healthier, food I could drastically improve my quality of life. Time will tell but, if all goes well, I’ll be a bit leaner and maybe healthier in general. Now I just need to find a workout that’s perfect for me…

Currently – 10/10/19 (Work, Weekend, Alone)

And so begins my three day weekend starting off with taking an extra shift at my job. I was just leaving class when I got a call asking to take over a shift. I don’t have to do it but I want the extra money and the work isn’t really all that difficult but its just a shame because I was hoping I could just have some relaxation time for myself. Also I’m not sure when I’ll be let off so right now I think I’m going to have to work until the night which sucks.

Of course the weekend sounds nice until I realize that I really have nothing to do and also my ‘weekend’ is Friday since I have to work on Saturday and Sunday. No one really to talk to or hang out with. The only thing I really do on Fridays now is catch up on chores and homework, which isn’t terrible but it feels like I’m not doing anything. I really want to hang out with someone but not only do I not have anyone I can do that with but also I’m trying to save up my money.

I honestly don’t know what to do. Maybe I should put myself out more in class but then again it would be awkward if I tried to reach out to someone only to have them shut me down then I have to spend almost a year being around this person, constantly reminded of how little they think of me. Of course it could work out well but end up poorly which is just the same situation again. I really hate being a defeatist but I’m also, unfortunately, proven right a lot of the time. I think right now I just want to exercise until my body is too tired to stay awake anymore.

Currently – 10/9/19 (Social, Family, Exercise)

For once I… actually had a not great day at class. I’m not sure why, everything was going well. I guess I just started to feel left out near the end of the day for a superficial reason that doesn’t really warrant mentioning. I kind of just felt this deep loneliness well up inside of me, despite being around other people who wanted me to talk. Maybe its just a chemical problem in my brain or something. I don’t know.

Further pushing the bad part of the day in my dad called me out of nowhere, during the class, just to ramble on about some dumb stuff. Talking about how I sounded angry on the phone yesterday or something. As he was talking I could hear his face was swelled up, like his mouth just couldn’t form words properly. Not wanting the conversation to go on for any longer than it had to I just placated him, saying I wasn’t trying to hang up as quickly as possible. I was mad, actually. He called me yesterday in a concealed effort to snipe at me and call me out for perceived laziness.

A few hours later my mom called me up to ‘check up’ on me as well. She explained my dad was just completely out of it mentally and I could hear him on the other end as she yelled out what I was saying all the while I was trying to forget about the day and relax for a bit. This annoyance with my parents may seem unusual or even cruel considering my dad is basically on his death bed with cancer but I’m not going to go into too much detail. Basically they’ve been doing this stuff all my life and, even now nearly pushing 30, I can’t escape from them treating me like a child. It was annoying when I was a teenager when they did this which told me they had no faith in me, now its degrading and just brings back old memories. I can’t help but feel they stunted my growth which has lead to me today being socially inept, single and about as sexually knowledgeable as an average teenager.

So I guess I want to channel these feelings into something more productive. Before it was food and video games now its… well its still food and video games but maybe lets fit some exercise into it. I keep catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror and immediately disliking everything I see. I don’t really want to be ripped but I really just want to tone everything down to a point where if I took off my shirt I wouldn’t be embarrassed. I looked up some videos on how to tighten up my core, and now my recommendations have been pushing even more stuff on me. I found some pretty rigorous things online that I’ve been doing every morning, afternoon and night and I actually feel really good and have seen some decent results in just a few days. Hopefully I can keep up with this.

Currently – 10/8/19 (Work, Test, Friend)

Had a pretty decent day at class today. Seems like things will be ramping up pretty soon so I’ve got to give it my best. Talked with some more classmates. Every day I’m feeling a little more and more relaxed. I even walk up to people and talk to them, which is kind of a feat for me. I really hope I can continue to be a little more sociable.

I’ve got a test I need to study for tomorrow and it seems like it might be a little hard for me. I keep getting decent scores on the tests so I don’t know. Maybe I just know some of this stuff already? In any case I really have to study for this one, and I have… a little bit anyways. I still keep doing things like watching tv shows and lazing about but I have done some studying and I’ll do some more so at least I’m not being completely terrible.

Tonight was family night and I was already going to use the test as an excuse as to why I wasn’t going. They made it sound especially annoying, asking me to drive like fifty miles just so I could be around their bickering and generally bad behavior. Of course I kept getting those backhanded questions making it sound like I was just skipping out and using this as an excuse, which I am but that doesn’t mean I like being called out for it. I wish they’d just trust me once and a while. I know that my mom is going to burst through my door unannounced and just berate me because I was taking a break from studying and then just waste my time with inane stuff.

Haven’t heard from my friend in a while but it seems like she’s not really in a good place. I’d really like to help her out but I’m not sure she even wants to speak to me. I think I’ll try calling her on Friday, if only to check in. Ultimately its up to her and I just want her to feel better. I just want to be there to support her as much as possible. I don’t think right now is the right time to go and visit her so I’ll just keep saving up money for when the day comes.