As you can tell by the title I no longer have a job… again. This would be the third time in a row if you’re keeping count. In this case, however, I wasn’t fired just unceremoniously laid-off. For once my work ethic and attitude were not a factor in my current state of unemployment. I was told today just a few hours ago.
There’s a lot wrong with this. The first is that I actually needed the job and it was a great safety net. The second is the way that it happened while the third is everyone’s reactions to it. It seems like whenever my life is starting to pick up I get sucker punched again. In terms of the reactions my family is not supportive at all. I won’t go into too many details but right now I’m just feeling really awful and their reaction to it is just bewilderment that I’m feeling this way.
I’m still going to school, and its going to stay that way for as long as I can manage, so I need to continue working towards that. Right now my best option for employment is a sign flipper which is not ideal if you were wondering. I’ve been spending the last few hours searching for jobs that can work with my schedule. But my brain just feels completely tapped out and exhausted so I’m going to relax for a bit before I send out this one job application and pray I can get it in time to keep myself afloat. If not, I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do.
So ya… last post. I mean I’m still not happy about the day and I stand by the stuff I wrote but that’s kind of how my depression works. I’m in the lowest of the low when I’m there. If I’m being honest I think I might be bipolar but I don’t like to self diagnose. But when you’re down the only place you can go is up.
Today was a more intense session of class. We’re actually practicing invasive procedures on each other now. Right now we’re working on drawing blood in a fairly small way but still its drawing blood. I have a history of self harm so the idea of seeing my own blood again really brought back some painful memories and feelings. It was near debilitating to the point where my chest was in some serious pain and it was really difficult to breathe. I’ve been practicing meditation over the years and it really has helped immensely. Normally I would just self harm to get a slight bit of relief but that was always temporary and left me in worse shape than before, plus I sometimes did it in class or around others so people would see me bleeding pretty profusely but also being really calm about the situation. I can’t tell you how many relationships I’ve lost because of this behavior and how I reacted to it.
In any case, I remembered my exercises and it helped immensely. Of course there’s always the idea of the anticipation to pain rather than the pain itself that’s the worst. Your body expects it to be awful so it basically just matches all of your own perceived feelings to create sensations that will correlate to how you think the pain will feel but amplified. Essentially it would be like if you were driving and your car expected to get hit and completely trashed itself. Awareness of these feelings and the control of them can absolutely make a tense or bad situation a lot less terrible. Of course it doesn’t always work but its better to believe the pain will be a lot less than it actually will be as opposed to believing it will be a lot worse.
I guess the whole idea behind this is being aware of yourself and how to control those emotions and feelings. Once you do everything just seems a little bit better. Personally I feel as though I can take on a lot more challenges. Even thought things don’t always go as well as I might hope I’d rather have my hopes dashed than be a pessimist. I’ve also been trying to exercise a bit more frequently, as I’ve heard it helps with depression or depressive episodes. That being said you can do everything right and still end up a hot mess.
In the end things actually started to work out better. Once I got out of my own head and accepted some things I ultimately started to feel a lot better and it had a positive effect on the outside world for me as well. Instead of wallowing in my suffering the whole day I tried to get out there and, at least it seems like, that really worked out for me. Yesterday, and this morning, it felt impossible for me to laugh or have fun. But once I realized I was in that mood I pushed myself out a little bit and… well I’m feeling a lot better. I know I keep saying that but its true and I’m really a lot better. Thanks for reading this, if you are.
Well I finally did it. I told her, kind of, that I’m interested in her. You may notice the title and realize that this did not go well. Like an idiot the courage I wanted came at a really bad time. I asked her out and, while she didn’t say no, she definitely didn’t say yes… so its a no. Not to be deterred I tried to roll with the punches.
Of course that didn’t work out. Slowly throughout the day she did her best to isolate herself from me at multiple times. This really came to a head when it was lunch time and she practically ran away as soon as possible. Attempting to give her space I took a little longer than I needed but when I finally walked out I ran into her and we said nothing to each other. As luck would have it we passed by each other minutes later and said nothing to each other again.
Obviously by this point I’m feeling like these aren’t just coincidences or just not being aware of the other person. She’s actively avoiding me and its completely my fault. I start feeling really horrible about myself to the point where I’m actively trying to avoid her as well. Ultimately I end up eating lunch alone just to make sure the two of us don’t see each other by accident. I come back to class early to try and be productive as opposed to wallowing in my own sadness.
As the day went on I started to feel really horrible. Starts with a headache that boils into nausea. My body is just turning itself on its head to make me feel even more awful. I try to lay my head down just to rest for a bit but the person sitting at my desk continues to bounce their leg so the table is just rocking the entire time. I really don’t feel like asking them to stop because I’m not really in a talking mood so all I can do is bear it. It gets to the point that I feel so overwhelmed that I have to go to the bathroom and just try to calm myself.
As soon as I get home I just collapse in my bed. I actually just woke up a few minutes ago to eat and to write this. All I want to do is just die in my sleep so I don’t have to face this again. Of course I am lucky enough to have to go in to class tomorrow so I get to relieve all of this again. Joy. Right now I’m just praying for death.
Last night I cooked for myself for the first time in a long time which felt really good, to say the least. I had some premade tofu just to see how I could have tofu that doesn’t taste like nothing and cardboard and a few other things that were pretty nice. The whole thing really tasted good and I got to save money so that’s a bonus. I’m still hoping I can pickle all the stuff I bought before I forget and it turns to a sour moldly mush but for now I’m eating pretty good. Maybe tomorrow. I still have to look up a guide just to make sure I’m doing this right and I won’t end up wasting a bunch of vegetables.
After class, which I’ll talk about because that was pretty obvious, I went to the store to pick up some butter for these brownies I want to make. I’m thinking maybe I’ll try to make it later tonight when I have the kitchen to myself. They’re supposed to be bakeless which sounds cool but time will tell. If I finish making them (and they’re good) I might take some to class tomorrow to share with everyone. Most likely its going to be bad and I’ll just throw it out though. But maybe this will be the first time I can make sweets that don’t look and taste like dog food. Here’s hoping.
Everyday I go here and meet this woman I feel more and more like she’s interested in me. The way she acts, talks, looks at me. My mind is screaming at me to just tell her how amazing I think she is and how I would really like the chance to be someone special to her while my body is just either pumping far too much blood in my brain, giving me a headache, all while staying motionless because I feel like I’m going to explode from the aforementioned blood ripping through my body. I’m not sure what these feelings are because I’ve literally never had them before.
I didn’t have a lot of chances today but there was one moment at the end. I finally decided I was going to spend some time with her and that was that. I used an excuse that I was going somewhere nearby and later I’d just “happen to be nearby! Maybe let’s hang out some more!” But when I got over there my body was just horrible. A painful lump in my throat, my body crackling with hot electricity and my face was on fire. All I could do was stand there and berate myself for being so cowardly, for not standing up and being honest with myself and her. Finally I braced myself and walked back… only to see her walking away. She looked over at me and waved bye and I just felt a deep well of disappointment wash over me.
Maybe this is just how its going to be until the course ends. I’ll just be hopelessly infatuated with her and she will move on with her life and find someone who has some actual courage. I’ll be here as usual, knowing that this is all my fault. Someone amazing came into my life, practically handed me an invitation and I was too chicken to even reach out and take it. To be honest I really just feel deeply sad because I know its just going to end up the same as every other relationship I’ve had in the past. I legitimately just feel like crying and going to be early tonight.
Unfortunately I had the day off today… which is a very weird thing for me to say but as I mentioned in the last post, and several other posts prior, I actually like going to class. Not only do I get to see some really nice people that I get to talk to and have fun with but I also get to get out of the house and not engage in bad habits. So whenever I have a day off and I’m genuinely feeling well and I have enough money I like to go out. Not only do I get to buy stuff (if I want to) but I also get to see and sometimes interact with people and I usually walk around more than I drive so its some decent exercise. Also the aforementioned not staying inside to engage in poor behaviors.
So I went to the mall hoping that I would see someone from class but of course that didn’t happen. I went to the bookstore, got some cook books that I’m interesting in reading, especially the baking stuff because I’ve always wanted to be a good baker. I also went to IKEA for the first time just because and I ended up finding some really good vessels that I could use for pickling and also those really nice pop top glass bottles that are used in making kombucha. I still need a scobe and a large glass vessel before I can make some kombucha but I’ve cross a hurdle so its possible that I could start making some very soon.
I also bought some vegetables to pickle later if I get the chance. I should probably look up like a guide or something on that because I’m not really good at pickling. Then again I’m well on my way to doing it so that’s always great to make some progress. I think I’ll go to the store later. I was fishing through the baking book I got and saw a recipe for some no bake brownies which, ya, I know I said I wanted to bake but small steps. Maybe I could make a whole batch and bring some to class tomorrow to share with others… or just eat them all myself because brownies taste good and I have poor impulse control especially when it comes to really good food.
I don’t really know why but there’s supposed to be this like legend or something around 11/11, like if you make a wish on that day its supposed to come true or maybe just like its lucky. Every so often when I look at the clock and see its 11:11 I find myself remembering that’s when people usually make a wish. I’m not a superstitious person by any stretch of the imagination apart from not wanting to go into creepy places on the off chance there might be ghosts or monsters because I feel like the potential negatives outweigh the positives. I can go into a creepy spooky place and there’s a significant chance nothing happens or maybe this is the one place that evil truly exists and I could die horribly. Basically I’m not going to roll those dice, so to speak, because there’s nothing to gain and a lot to lose.
Anyways, so my first thought when I looked at the date a while ago was that this is when people usually make a wish. My wish was to be able to tell this girl I like her. My life hasn’t been really great up until now but recently everything seems to be fitting into place. I just feel like maybe I could go further with this. I could totally just have a rewarding relationship with an amazing person and it could potentially boil over into maybe finding my soulmate and finally being content with my life. How could I pass up that chance? Maybe tomorrow I’ll get the perfect opportunity to say something.
Today is the end of the weekend so I don’t have work tomorrow. Usually that means I have school but unfortunately we have an off day. Its so weird to hear myself say I’m disappointed I don’t get to go to school but I guess I have changed from being a dumb kid to an adult who actually likes going to class to learn. Or it could be the fact I’m genuinely interested in the subject and I also have someone I like in the class. Probably those last two things more than anything.
Thankfully I remembered I have some homework due on Tuesday so I got a rush on that. I’m all caught up on my homework, at least the stuff I can, so all I can do now is get a little ahead. I looked at the project I’m supposed to turn in even later in the week and it just looks… wrong, you know? Like I’m looking at it and thinking “That can’t be right.” So instead of putting more independent work into it I’m just going to wait for Tuesday and try to copy from someone else. Who knows, the work could be perfect. I mean I couldn’t even say that with a hint of doubt in my mind so I’m not going to even pretend that’s true.
Since I have tomorrow off I’ve been wondering what I should do. I’ve been watching a Netflix documentary about Chinese food and its given me a lot of ideas. I think I really want to get a start on making some kombucha but I need a few more supplies for that than I currently have so maybe I’ll just put in an order sometime soon. What I do think I will do is do some pickling. I saw some nice glass bottles at Target when I went on Friday so I think I’ll pick some of those up and maybe a few other things to pickle. I’ve got some jalapenos so that could be really nice to put into something. Maybe I’ll pickle some eggs too which, while they take some time, taste great when finished.
Right now I’m kind of just twiddling my thumbs waiting for Tuesday. I just really want to see this woman again and talk to her. I keep kicking myself for not giving her my number, thinking she might want to talk when we’re not together. Even if its just an extra day I really would like to talk to her more often. I also keep telling myself that I’ll finally confess my feelings for her on Tuesday but more than likely I’ll just chicken out again, as usual. Maybe I’ll be able to summon the courage this time and see if she really does like me. Maybe.
Pretty much this entire time I’ve been thinking about the woman I like. Trying to decided the right words to say or the right thing to do. Or even if I should do anything at all. Right now it doesn’t seem sensible to let this opportunity to pass me by. She feels like someone I want to spend my time with, someone who actually wants to be by my side. How could I let that pass me by without at least trying to understand if my feelings are true or not?
I tried to exercise a bit, get my mind off things. Walked a mile on the treadmill. Kind of impressed by my stamina. Even when I was thin in high school I was never this good. My muscles are definitely stronger and more pronounced and my body feels a lot healthier than a decade ago. Although that could also be my mind. I haven’t felt like I was in a good place for a long time, so right now it feels like everything is going right for me and I have myself to thank for that. Occasional exercise, better diet, being aware and honest about my feelings.
Of course I’d like to say that I’m keeping a decent diet. I decided to eat something that wasn’t super healthy then I thought it tasted good so I’d have a second portion and I might as well have an egg for protein. One of my worst habits used to be overeating. I was definitely obese, at least in the medical term. On the outside I just kind of looked chunky or stocky. Trying to be vegan has changed a lot for me and how I view food. I bought some candy bars to put in my lunch when I go to school. Normally I would have decimated them instantly but a day later and I’ve only had one, which isn’t ideal but I’m definitely happy that I’ve come so far to the point where I can control myself a bit more.
So after I realized I was dipping into a bad habit I decided to take it easy and not think about food. Of course my mind wandered back to that woman who entered my life, how I feel about her and what I should do. Its difficult being honest with someone when every other time you’ve tried to be honest to others you’ve been shot down, ridiculed or been abandoned. I really like her and want her to know that but I’m afraid that I’ll lose her. Then again I can’t stay afraid forever. Either I gain some courage and be honest with her or I watch her move on.
I think my best plan is to put a reminder on my phone the day I get back. Just bombard myself with messages saying “Tell her” or “You’ve got this”. Of course I get this idea on a three day weekend. Not only that but I just remembered all of the homework I have to do as well as a somewhat labor intensive project I still haven’t finished. I just hope I remember this resolve I have now. Most likely I’ll forget it though. I just need to calm myself down but also have enough courage to be honest with not just myself but with her. Maybe something beautiful and rewarding could come about from this, someone who I want to spend the rest of my life with and they feel the same way.