What's Up? 12/6/19

Hey. Its been a while. I guess I’m just checking in. Thought about some stuff and I felt like sharing it.

Things have been pretty bad recently. On Thursday I started to mentally dissociate, or at least I think I did. The room was wobbly, my mind was fractured from here to there and it took me a while to center myself. I think I realized there has been something really wrong with me and I can’t just fix it by staying quiet.

No job, tenuous grasp on where I’m staying and my dad passed away. Anyone of these separately would be enough to break someone and I’m dealing with those, and more, all at once. I definitely need some help. And since I don’t really have any medical insurance or enough money to go to a therapist I think voicing them is the best way. This is a good place to start.

My mom told me should would ‘help’ me money wise if I came out to visit her at our family home. Its a long drive so I, not having anything to do on a Friday, decided to come by early. So here I am sitting in the room that I spent some of my childhood in and where my dad died. I packed light, as I won’t be staying long, and I feel like it will help me focus instead of diverting.

After watching Undone, which is a really good show I wish I had known about earlier, I felt a lot of emotions. To put it lightly its a story about a young woman who is dealing with her father’s death so, hey, there’s some parallels. After I was finished I had the urge to walk outside and just look around. Accompanied by my brother’s dog we just walked around my family’s property. My family isn’t rich but we have a pretty large place. The house itself is unusually long but the ‘backyard’ is about an acre long, which is significant if you’re wondering.

The backyard itself is kind of like another world unto itself. I remember all the times where my dad would force me and my brother to do actual hard manual labor as children, cleaning up or what have you. This picture is part of the remnants of my dad’s failed attempt at building a garden in a, more or less, arid desert climate region on rocky hard soil. He could never grow any real vegetables but it could easily grow weeds and other undesirable plants.

There’s also a small ‘pond’ nearby that’s really just an indent in the land that’s capable of collecting water when it rains. I remember times where we would fill it up with hose water from the well that was on the property in an effort to have something similar to a pool. At best it would stay somewhat filled for a few days and then drain away completely, most likely filling back into the well just a few feet away. It feels like wasted effort but the pond was filled, if only for a time, and I had what fun I could with it.

What isn’t pictured here is the other bits and pieces of discarded projects, dreams which never came to fruition. As I walked through these broken pieces being overtaken by weeds I felt kind of sad. Remembering all these moments where we tried to do something significant but it ended up failing. I walked into the partially filled, partially dried up pond area as my brother’s dog ran around happily marking territory away from the coyotes that sometimes wander around the property. As I did my perspective started to change a bit.

Rather than seeing all of the wasted effort and broken promises I began to see something else. Sure, what we tried to do here ended up failing and to an outside perspective it was wasted effort to a degree. But more than that there was life. What we tried to cut away and remove came back with force and vigor, taking back what it had owned as if it had never been taken away in the first place.

Of course weeds are… well, weeds. They don’t offer anything, take what they need and generally don’t look at all pleasing. But along side them are tall strong eucalyptus trees which, at least as far as I feel, have a pleasing smell and make for good firewood if you’re so inclined. So I’m here, standing in this small forest of nice smelling trees when I notice rain starting to fall making small ripples in the water nearby. I couldn’t help but feel a sense of calm and peace for a the first time in a long time. It was the first beautiful thing that I saw in a long time.

Amidst all our failures, our seemingly wasted effort, there were things growing and living here. Life bent and moved beyond what we had done, doing what it must to continue thriving. It didn’t need our help growing. And the pond was being filled with rain water that naturally fell from the sky rather than by some kids from a well. I just started feeling something nearly indescribable.

I don’t know what tomorrow is going to bring but maybe it will be fine. No matter how many times I fail life will do what it must. I can, and should, put all the effort in I can. But if it doesn’t work out then so be it. No effort is wasted effort, even if it seems like it. The blood, sweat and tears you put into work may not yield any fruit but you did put in effort and that should be commended. There’s this quote I have in my phone that just came to mind from Vincent Van Gogh: “If I am worth anything later, I am worth something now. For wheat is wheat, even if people think it is grass in the beginning.”

Remembering My Dad

As I’m writing this I am sitting in the room where, I can only presume, my dad took his last breaths. There is a new bed for me to sleep on and it definitely is different but I can’t shake the feeling that this is where he most likely left. I haven’t really grieved at all or done much of anything. I think other people are more sad than I am. So right now I feel like remembering my dad for whatever reason.

My dad wasn’t a great person and I’m not suddenly going to pretend that he was after his passing. He did have occasional moments where he was a good father and more where he wasn’t. Both literally and fundamentally we were two different people. Essentially he could never understand who I am or will become and I will never understand who he was. In the time leading up to his death I did my best to distance myself from him in an effort to preserve some memory of him that he wasn’t. I knew the type of man he was and I tried my best to pretend that person wasn’t my father.

As a child you grow up learning from your parents, for better and for worse. You take their ideas and adopt them into your own. It took me a while, and other people telling me so, that some of the things my parents taught me, most of it not on purpose, was wrong. I had an existential crisis after high school where I was forced to confront myself and understand who I was as a person. Unfortunately that person would never be accepted by my parents. I questioned the religion I grew up with and my own sexuality. In some ways I made compromises, taking a bit from both which ultimately made me who I am today the person sitting behind a computer screen writing this out to whomever wishes to read it.

My political, religious and world views changed away from that of my family. As I grew more aware I saw them for the flawed human beings that they were and was forced to accept them but they not me. Knowing this I stayed away from my father as much as I possibly could but I would always get moments or glimpses of reality. As a child you see your parents as giants, towering above you in more ways than just height. My parents are actually fairly short and it didn’t take long for me to surpass their height but they still stayed these near mythical figures only spoken of in hushed tones lest I face their wrath. My dad had an annoying habit of calling me up under the guise of assisting him with something only to find out he was lonely and just wanted to talk. I was annoyed because I was just doing other things but more so because he forced me to face him. The man who I had grown to admire, then fear, then hate, then wished to avoid now laid before me in an emaciated body to which I could only compare it to a skeleton or a starving child. Of course this man was not a child suffering from starvation but someone in his late seventies.

My final moments with him were not with him. Just a month earlier my mom called me up to go visit him in the hospital. I sat by his bed for around an hour, he completely unaware I was even there. I left, for various reasons. Some weeks later my mom called me again and essentially begged me to spend some time at our old home in the room I am now sitting in. Again I was there and he was not, his mind somewhere else I could not and did not want to follow. The last few minutes I was there he believed I wasn’t even in the room but talking to him on the phone. He wished me well, in his own way, expressing how proud he was at my current achievements and handed me the nonexistent phone for me to hang up.

After that I may have thought about him a total of twenty times. Mostly my mom telling me I should come visit and I would make absolutely every excuse to not. In the end the only reason I am here is because I lost my job, because I am losing my current home, is because I lost someone in my life that I felt would become my spouse. When we lose everything all we can do is go back, and back for me is to a home that I desperately never wanted to visit ever again. And now a person that I didn’t want to see or talk to or even acknowledge existed is gone from my life and I don’t know what to do. I don’t have a job to throw myself into, my home is not stable and I can’t rest my head on the lap of someone I care about. I thought I lost so much already and now I lost something I didn’t even realize I could lose.

This has been an unusual experience to say the least. Right now I don’t feel like crying, I don’t feel like laughing, I don’t feel like yelling or screaming. I feel like crawling up into a ball and cradling what little I have left, for fear it will also be taken away from me. I wonder what else I can lose, what else can be taken away from me. Right now it just feels like I’m holding sand and the tighter I grip the more pours out through my fingers. I don’t know what to do or where to go. All I know is I feel more afraid than I ever have. All I know is my dad is gone to a place I don’t know where and I can’t follow.

Currently – 11/27/19 (Thanksgiving, Family, Death)

I was debating on posting this last night but I wasn’t really feeling up to it so here it is now. I took the trip out to meet my family for the Thanksgiving holiday. It was surprisingly a lot less annoying than it usually is to do so. On the way I was just preparing for the awkward feeling of having to face my family after our business had collapsed. I’m still not really sure how that’s going to work out.

I gave my cousin a ride over seeing as how its a two hour trip and he usually offers to put up some money for gas. We don’t really talk but not for any significant reason. We’re just two different people despite sharing blood. We talked for a while and I got to vent about some of my problems. He offered to talk to his boss about me to see if I could get a job which is really nice.

After I dropped him off I traveled a short way to my parent’s home. Both my mom and brother were unusually quiet. Every time I entered the room my mom looked at me in the face while my brother stared at the floor. After all my stuff was inside my mom asked me a vague question then lead me to the empty room where my dad used to be. She didn’t have to say anything, it was pretty obvious what happened. I’m just not sure when and I don’t think it would have mattered when he passed.

I’m not going to pretend like my dad and I had a good or even decent relationship. I’m honestly just not sure how to process this. I didn’t hate him but I didn’t want him dead and the idea that he’s gone just feels like there’s a whole left in my life right now. I was already prepared for his passing but the really horrible time I’ve been having for less than two weeks didn’t help. I didn’t think I could lose any more but I was just proven wrong. Happy Thanksgiving, I guess.

Currently – 11/25/19 (Money, Thanksgiving, Lost)

Got my last check from my job. It never really feels like its over until you get that last check in your hands and then it really cements it. “This is it”. The amount is pretty decent. With what I have I can last for about two more months but I definitely need a job. I’ve applied to a few places but no responses yet. I also need to find a place to stay as well so I’m not sure how that’s going to work out but I don’t need to at the moment.

I have the week off from class for Thanksgiving which is a double edged sword. I get some time to try and sort my life out but at the same time I’m somewhat forced to think about all the things going wrong in my life. I can handle the things I screwed up, understand that it was my fault and I’ll use those moments to become a better person. But when things go wrong and I’m not at fault I just can’t take it. I guess I can beat myself up, its something tangible, someone I can reflect my anger and pain on as unhealthy as that is. But when it isn’t I just feel like I’ve got all these emotions boiling up inside me and there’s nowhere to focus them.

A lot of things are going bad right now and I don’t know how to fix them. My job, obviously, is gone. The time I have to stay where I am is running out. And I started to fall in love with someone and I screwed that up somehow. I just feel like I’m cursed. Whenever my life is going well then it just starts getting destroyed or flipped around. I feel like chaos is my natural state. I don’t want some amazing or fantastical things, I just want stability. Why is that so hard to hold onto?

Currently – 11/22/19 (Update, Life, Hobbies)

Hello again. Its been a while, I think? I guess I’ve just sort of decided that I’ll just come back every so often and talk whenever the feeling comes up. Maybe I’ll be more consistent in the future but right now I feel like just doing this when I feel like it. Anyways, onto the rest of it.

So life has… been going. Stuff keeps happening etc. I guess right now I just feel like keeping my mind off the bad stuff while trying to better myself. I can’t move forward if I’m stuck in the mud, I guess.

Not really all that much has happened, at least nothing of note. I guess I’ve mellowed out a bit. I hope that things start to pick up but it doesn’t really feel like it right now. I had a job interview lined up for today but I honestly wasn’t really interested in the job so I turned them down which ended up working out for me later as I needed to help my family with something and the interview definitely would have interrupted that. I’m not being picky but I’d rather pick a decent job as opposed to any job right now, but beggars can’t be choosers I guess.

In the meantime I’ve just been spending my time being lazy. Sitting around, playing games and watching tv shows. That’s not really getting me anywhere and I’d like to change that. I’ve been reading more frequently than usual for a few reasons. The first is mostly just because reading is a lot better than playing video games for conversations with others. I can’t really engage with most people about new video games being released whereas books are a bit timeless. The other reason is I’ve really wanted to get back into writing so I felt like I needed to see other people’s works in order to get a feel for how I want my writing to be.

I was watching this movie that was pretty bad and I just felt disappointed in myself. I’m not even enjoying this and I’m using to keep myself from becoming a better or more well rounded person. So I decided I would try writing, at least a bit. I don’t expect anything to come of it but its a lot more productive compared to what I was doing. Coincidentally I had an idea pop into my head so I think I’ll work with that.

Not really sure what to do right now other than work on this new idea. Can’t really think of anything else better to do. If I sit where I am I feel like I’m just going to end up thinking about all the bad stuff going on and how things are screwed up. I’ve been doing that for a while and things haven’t gotten better so why not do something else? I don’t expect to finish this (like most of my other projects) but at least it will (hopefully) feel better.

Explain: Why The Name?

I think I’m going to do something a bit different, for the moment at least. Maybe try to build an idea of what is going through my head, or has, with this blog. I felt the best place to start with was the name.

Memories of Nowhere. I’m going to be honest: this wasn’t my first choice. I believe the first choice was like ‘Eye of the Storm’ or something. I settled on Memories of Nowhere because it felt… right. It felt like me in a weird way.

I’ve traveled more than the average person. Before I can even remember I went to New Mexico as a child with my family and my only memory of it is that I lost a toy there. Some time later we would take a road trip to Louisiana to see extended family just mere months before Hurricane Katrina would hit. At a darker point in my life I traveled to Ohio where I really had the idea of death cemented in me, seeing my grandma for the first and last time strapped to a bed in the final moments of Alzheimer’s disease and upon returning learned that the family dog I considered my best friend died. More recently I went to Iceland which was a life changing experience.

Every single place I’ve been to has this unusual quality. It feels the same yet at the same time it doesn’t. You’ve just landed on foreign soil but at the same time you feel strangely like you’ve been there. You could easily chock this up to what I’ll call anti-euphoria. You had this idea you were going to a foreign country, a place completely different from where you live, but you see things that you recognize. Stores, labels, merchandise. You go to a place seeking out the unusual, the unknown, the different but then you get surprised when you realize that not only do you live nearby a 7-11, or what have you, there’s one in Japan but inside the food items are completely different and you’ll never see the same stuff you saw in America in Japan or Russia or Australia or Europe.

There are large gaps in my memory, more so than should be normal. I worried about this as a kid, wondering what I had forgotten. Seeing photos of people who had long since passed, my parents legitimately shocked I recognized no one in the picture despite that I was, often times, in the picture itself. Over time I came to accept this for various reasons. I’ll never remember everything and that’s okay.

Potentially as a side effect my mind is really creative and wanders a lot. Even if I’ve never been to a place if I see photos of it I can construct a false memory of me walking down the streets, meeting the locals and having a chance encounter with a gorgeous stranger who I most likely will never see ever again in my entire life. Its amazing how large yet small this world is. You could legitimately explore the entirety of it within a year thanks to the technological advances. Even more than that you could find photos or even programs that allow you to roam the streets of a place halfway across the globe, surrounded by a vast ocean and various landmasses.

When I get to go on a trip I like to read up a bit on the place so I always get this idea in my head of what its going to be like. Once I get there I’ve already been there, in a sense. I walked these streets, met the people and breathed in the air. Going there is simply me cementing those memories or making secondary ones as if I’ve already been on the trip. Even when I don’t go to places I imagine being with someone, sharing my life with them, the potential future I can have where I just let my mind wander. And I carry along with me these memories of places I’ve never actually been, of people I’ve never been with, all these things I both have and haven’t done. My memories of everywhere and everything… and yet at the same time these are nothing, my memories of nowhere.

Update – 11/18/19

So… I missed a post. Suffice it to say my life isn’t going very well right now and I just kind of let it slip my mind. I’m out of a job again, my family is not in a great place right now and a really nice relationship I was interested in has imploded. I’m sad to say this is very normal for me.

This morning I had the desire to look up the blog’s stats just to see what was going on. Then I realized I hadn’t made a post for yesterday. I thought about quickly making one where I was but decided against it. To be honest the blog isn’t doing well in the slightest. The numbers are low and it really doesn’t seem like anyone is interested anymore, and I honestly don’t blame you.

I honestly don’t know what to do with the blog anymore. It really seems like I come back here each day just to post “Things aren’t great” and, if that wasn’t bad enough, I’m not really getting any views or visitors. My main goal isn’t to accrue visitors or likes or clicks but its a pretty significant idea to show me people just aren’t interested in the blog in the slightest anymore. That being said there are a handful of you around still visiting so I’m not sure.

I feel like I’m in a really bad place right now. Money is running out, my family isn’t doing well and someone I really cared about is now ignoring me for a dumb decision I made. I don’t know what to do if there is anything to do. Maybe I will continue to update this in the future, however right now I really just feel like getting my life in some semblance of order but I’m honestly not sure where to start.