Currently 12/23/19 – Life, Love, Money

Hey there. Its been a while. Just had the desire to pop in for some reason.

Life has been interesting, to say the least. I suppose not really all that much has changed. I guess I went to a party to see an old friend of mine. Seemed really good but she’s been ignoring a text from me so I’m debating if I might have screwed up somewhere somehow. Though it doesn’t help to dwell on things for so long so I’m trying to move past.

School is pretty much the same as ever but a bit better, I guess. Started getting over this whole being ignored by a person I liked thing a little bit each day. We had a party a few days ago and I decided to make something. I’m never sure if my food is good so my anxiety travels pretty easily over to that. But, to my surprise, I got raving reviews from everyone. The one thing that was weird was this one girl in the class told me that now I could get married because I’m a good cook. Of course I blushed, taking the compliment but also not really sure what she meant by it. Then she said it a few more times so now my mind is racing thinking that she might like me.

I think I’ve had my fill of trying to date people in this class so I’m guessing this just won’t end well. Of course there’s also the idea that I’m currently still jobless so I’m not sure how great of a boyfriend I can be to someone at the moment. I’d like to be with someone but I’m definitely not going to force someone to be with me while I’m unbalanced in any area of my life. Apart from that I never really thought of this girl as someone I’d like to be with but now I’m just thinking about what she could possibly see in me that she’d like. Of course this is all saying that she feels anything for me whatsoever so I think its best that I just go about this as neutral as possible. If she is interested then we could have a conversation about it and if not I won’t have put myself out there again and make yet another girl feel weird around me.

Traveled out to my mom’s place to spend the holidays with my family. Still jobless so I couldn’t buy any presents, unfortunately. I really hate buying presents but I hate it even more when I don’t have anything to give to anyone. I know we’ve been through some stuff and aren’t really totally good with each other but I’d still like to show appreciation for what they have done for me. Right now it just feels kind of weird not having my dad around. This will be the first Christmas without him and I feel like that’s just kind of sinking in.

I guess I’ve been spending my time thinking about love and myself. About the kind of person I am and if I’m ever going to find that special someone. I always wonder what that life would look like. Feels like a dream to me that I could ever feel like I’m fully whole. I keep thinking I need to look inward at myself to find completion but it just feels like I’m missing a vital piece to my life. I just want to be close to someone in such a way that we fill the void in each other, or what have you.

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