Currently – 11/25/19 (Money, Thanksgiving, Lost)

Got my last check from my job. It never really feels like its over until you get that last check in your hands and then it really cements it. “This is it”. The amount is pretty decent. With what I have I can last for about two more months but I definitely need a job. I’ve applied to a few places but no responses yet. I also need to find a place to stay as well so I’m not sure how that’s going to work out but I don’t need to at the moment.

I have the week off from class for Thanksgiving which is a double edged sword. I get some time to try and sort my life out but at the same time I’m somewhat forced to think about all the things going wrong in my life. I can handle the things I screwed up, understand that it was my fault and I’ll use those moments to become a better person. But when things go wrong and I’m not at fault I just can’t take it. I guess I can beat myself up, its something tangible, someone I can reflect my anger and pain on as unhealthy as that is. But when it isn’t I just feel like I’ve got all these emotions boiling up inside me and there’s nowhere to focus them.

A lot of things are going bad right now and I don’t know how to fix them. My job, obviously, is gone. The time I have to stay where I am is running out. And I started to fall in love with someone and I screwed that up somehow. I just feel like I’m cursed. Whenever my life is going well then it just starts getting destroyed or flipped around. I feel like chaos is my natural state. I don’t want some amazing or fantastical things, I just want stability. Why is that so hard to hold onto?

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