Currently – 11/13/19 (Rejection, Depressed, Sick)

Well I finally did it. I told her, kind of, that I’m interested in her. You may notice the title and realize that this did not go well. Like an idiot the courage I wanted came at a really bad time. I asked her out and, while she didn’t say no, she definitely didn’t say yes… so its a no. Not to be deterred I tried to roll with the punches.

Of course that didn’t work out. Slowly throughout the day she did her best to isolate herself from me at multiple times. This really came to a head when it was lunch time and she practically ran away as soon as possible. Attempting to give her space I took a little longer than I needed but when I finally walked out I ran into her and we said nothing to each other. As luck would have it we passed by each other minutes later and said nothing to each other again.

Obviously by this point I’m feeling like these aren’t just coincidences or just not being aware of the other person. She’s actively avoiding me and its completely my fault. I start feeling really horrible about myself to the point where I’m actively trying to avoid her as well. Ultimately I end up eating lunch alone just to make sure the two of us don’t see each other by accident. I come back to class early to try and be productive as opposed to wallowing in my own sadness.

As the day went on I started to feel really horrible. Starts with a headache that boils into nausea. My body is just turning itself on its head to make me feel even more awful. I try to lay my head down just to rest for a bit but the person sitting at my desk continues to bounce their leg so the table is just rocking the entire time. I really don’t feel like asking them to stop because I’m not really in a talking mood so all I can do is bear it. It gets to the point that I feel so overwhelmed that I have to go to the bathroom and just try to calm myself.

As soon as I get home I just collapse in my bed. I actually just woke up a few minutes ago to eat and to write this. All I want to do is just die in my sleep so I don’t have to face this again. Of course I am lucky enough to have to go in to class tomorrow so I get to relieve all of this again. Joy. Right now I’m just praying for death.

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