Currently – 11/12/19 (Cooking, Missed, Disappointed)

Last night I cooked for myself for the first time in a long time which felt really good, to say the least. I had some premade tofu just to see how I could have tofu that doesn’t taste like nothing and cardboard and a few other things that were pretty nice. The whole thing really tasted good and I got to save money so that’s a bonus. I’m still hoping I can pickle all the stuff I bought before I forget and it turns to a sour moldly mush but for now I’m eating pretty good. Maybe tomorrow. I still have to look up a guide just to make sure I’m doing this right and I won’t end up wasting a bunch of vegetables.

After class, which I’ll talk about because that was pretty obvious, I went to the store to pick up some butter for these brownies I want to make. I’m thinking maybe I’ll try to make it later tonight when I have the kitchen to myself. They’re supposed to be bakeless which sounds cool but time will tell. If I finish making them (and they’re good) I might take some to class tomorrow to share with everyone. Most likely its going to be bad and I’ll just throw it out though. But maybe this will be the first time I can make sweets that don’t look and taste like dog food. Here’s hoping.

Everyday I go here and meet this woman I feel more and more like she’s interested in me. The way she acts, talks, looks at me. My mind is screaming at me to just tell her how amazing I think she is and how I would really like the chance to be someone special to her while my body is just either pumping far too much blood in my brain, giving me a headache, all while staying motionless because I feel like I’m going to explode from the aforementioned blood ripping through my body. I’m not sure what these feelings are because I’ve literally never had them before.

I didn’t have a lot of chances today but there was one moment at the end. I finally decided I was going to spend some time with her and that was that. I used an excuse that I was going somewhere nearby and later I’d just “happen to be nearby! Maybe let’s hang out some more!” But when I got over there my body was just horrible. A painful lump in my throat, my body crackling with hot electricity and my face was on fire. All I could do was stand there and berate myself for being so cowardly, for not standing up and being honest with myself and her. Finally I braced myself and walked back… only to see her walking away. She looked over at me and waved bye and I just felt a deep well of disappointment wash over me.

Maybe this is just how its going to be until the course ends. I’ll just be hopelessly infatuated with her and she will move on with her life and find someone who has some actual courage. I’ll be here as usual, knowing that this is all my fault. Someone amazing came into my life, practically handed me an invitation and I was too chicken to even reach out and take it. To be honest I really just feel deeply sad because I know its just going to end up the same as every other relationship I’ve had in the past. I legitimately just feel like crying and going to be early tonight.

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