Currently – 11/9/19 (Exercise, Habits, Waiting)

Pretty much this entire time I’ve been thinking about the woman I like. Trying to decided the right words to say or the right thing to do. Or even if I should do anything at all. Right now it doesn’t seem sensible to let this opportunity to pass me by. She feels like someone I want to spend my time with, someone who actually wants to be by my side. How could I let that pass me by without at least trying to understand if my feelings are true or not?

I tried to exercise a bit, get my mind off things. Walked a mile on the treadmill. Kind of impressed by my stamina. Even when I was thin in high school I was never this good. My muscles are definitely stronger and more pronounced and my body feels a lot healthier than a decade ago. Although that could also be my mind. I haven’t felt like I was in a good place for a long time, so right now it feels like everything is going right for me and I have myself to thank for that. Occasional exercise, better diet, being aware and honest about my feelings.

Of course I’d like to say that I’m keeping a decent diet. I decided to eat something that wasn’t super healthy then I thought it tasted good so I’d have a second portion and I might as well have an egg for protein. One of my worst habits used to be overeating. I was definitely obese, at least in the medical term. On the outside I just kind of looked chunky or stocky. Trying to be vegan has changed a lot for me and how I view food. I bought some candy bars to put in my lunch when I go to school. Normally I would have decimated them instantly but a day later and I’ve only had one, which isn’t ideal but I’m definitely happy that I’ve come so far to the point where I can control myself a bit more.

So after I realized I was dipping into a bad habit I decided to take it easy and not think about food. Of course my mind wandered back to that woman who entered my life, how I feel about her and what I should do. Its difficult being honest with someone when every other time you’ve tried to be honest to others you’ve been shot down, ridiculed or been abandoned. I really like her and want her to know that but I’m afraid that I’ll lose her. Then again I can’t stay afraid forever. Either I gain some courage and be honest with her or I watch her move on.

I think my best plan is to put a reminder on my phone the day I get back. Just bombard myself with messages saying “Tell her” or “You’ve got this”. Of course I get this idea on a three day weekend. Not only that but I just remembered all of the homework I have to do as well as a somewhat labor intensive project I still haven’t finished. I just hope I remember this resolve I have now. Most likely I’ll forget it though. I just need to calm myself down but also have enough courage to be honest with not just myself but with her. Maybe something beautiful and rewarding could come about from this, someone who I want to spend the rest of my life with and they feel the same way.

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