Just before I begin I’ll say that I had another post up but decided to delete it. I didn’t feel like it was totally and completely honest to my feelings. I’ll just move on from that.
Class today was unusual but not bad. A little bit more relaxed as opposed to other days. Of course that could have just been me but who knows. I feel a little more like myself the more I continue to be in the class. I personally think its just because I have some structure and something to look forward to. Though I’d like to think its because I finally found my path in life and in lieu of resistance it feels like the path before me is a lot smoother.
I’ve been thinking a lot about how I look at myself personally. If I had to be honest I don’t think its very healthy. What I want more than anything is to just see myself as I am, neither better or worse than what I currently am. Its really difficult to look inward or even just have an accurate representation of who you are, especially for me. At times I find it hard to see the person I really am as opposed to an idealized version or one I’ve demonized, more often than not unfairly. It has negatively affected me to say the least.
The current idea behind me being so slow to understand that the person I’m currently trying to pursue a relationship with may have been interested in me as well stems from how low I perceive myself. Ugly, fat, slob, unfunny, creepy, weird. I’ve internalized all of these feelings and, while some of them may be true, are antithetical to my progress. The problem is its not “I am something negative and therefore I must change” rather its “I am something negative and I will always be that”. Essentially its never about becoming better but just trying to be content with being garbage. I’ve tried to change this as much as possible but these feelings are, unfortunately, deeply ingrained in me and I use the few moments where people either looked at me like I was one of these things or actually verbalized it.
Right now I just want to remember that those people don’t matter. I will absolutely take their harsh words and potentially correct criticism to heart but in the effort to change and become better. But those people who were harsh to me don’t really deserve to be in my life. I may carry their words with me but they won’t be coming with me on my journey. At the same time I’ll do my best to look inward, taking their biting comments and use them to evaluate myself. Either this is something true and therefore something I should work on or it is false and I need to remember that it is false in case someone down the line decides to repeat it to me. I think that will ultimately be the best course of action I can take.