Currently – 10/30/19 (Class, Relationships, Effort)

Today was a little unusual but nothing that really needs mentioning in specific details. What I was proud of was how easily I was able to handle it, I suppose. I kind of just rolled with the punches, metaphorically speaking, and came out on the other end pretty okay. I guess putting myself out there is really helpful, both for my life in general but also growing as a person. Doing stuff that puts me out of my comfort zone, even if just for a moment, has really made my life a lot better. I’ll definitely try to do more of it though in a sensible and grounded way over a period of time. I’m not going to do anything crazy like going bungee jumping any time soon… or ever if I’m being honest.

As you can probably tell I don’t really have a great track record with relationships. In a general sense but more so in my ability to accurately understand how people feel about me and how to properly process this. Lately I’ve been noticing that people kind of keep glancing towards me or trying to get closer. My first instinct is to just dismiss this as a one time thing or just something I noticed but often times I’ll be reminded of this and I can’t help but try to figure out what they’re feeling. I guess its because I haven’t had any friends for a long time, though that’s not to say I’ve never had any just the ones I’ve had have been there for literally over a decade so I’ve come to be familiar with all of their actions and etc to the point where I can easily just read what’s going on with them. So I keep getting looks from, specifically women, in my class on occasion which I think I’m going to just assume it was an occasional thing that doesn’t really merit putting much thought into.

Unfortunately today was not the day that I was able to ‘confess’ to this person my feelings, for better or worse. Kind of goes hand in hand with the unusual day and I’m going to take this as a sign the universe has told me that I should probably not confess my feelings any time soon… I think. Okay ya this is pretty frustrating just trying to both be honest but also find the exact right time for everything to actually work and not leave me a sobbing mess over ruining another good thing. So… I have no idea what to do as usual.

I think the problem is I’m trying to read this person’s actions as being a way to essentially clue me into the idea they’re into me but those cues aren’t universal (as I’ve figured out over a near lifetime of trying to apply them to every day life). I guess its like that devil/angel on the shoulder but in my case its two dueling ideas both screaming opposing things in each ear. I really really really want to get to know this person better and form a relationship with them but I’m also afraid of what may happen should I fail. Though I guess it could tie into my beginning statement about how getting out of my comfort zone actually is good. However that kind of only works when I’m doing it to myself and doing it to another person may not be what they want at all.

I have time to sort this out but definitely not an infinite amount of time. All of these great qualities I see in this person are qualities others see in them and most of those people may also see them as desirable. I’m not going to treat this person like a prize or an object, they absolutely do not deserve that. They are a person with their own thoughts, feelings and emotions. I understand this and accept it. Unfortunately it feels like I’m at an impasse. I can go no further with my current abilities. What is in front of me must be surmounted or abandoned.

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