Currently – 10/29/19 (Class, Relationships, Family)

I keep telling myself “Today is the day I say the truth” but it always gets pushed back for one reason or another. I didn’t necessarily have a good opportunity today either but it was much better. I guess I’m just afraid they’ll answer the way I think they will: reject my feelings towards them because I misunderstood the situation and now I’ve lost a friend because I wanted a partner. Tomorrow, if the stars align and all things go well, I’ll try to put forth that idea. Though the two of us are going to be doing an extra assignment on our day of so that could end up backfiring pretty harshly. Though right now I just feel like I need to say it because if I don’t I’ll never know and I honestly can’t tell which is worse: being rejected or never knowing.

I guess I’m just tired of being alone. Its not really about sex or anything like that, really I just want someone to come home to or to have a person who I know is on my side. Someone who’s going to make me a better person simply by the merit of me wanting to become a better person just for them. Maybe I’m going about this the wrong way but that’s how it feels for me and saying otherwise doesn’t feel honest, not to you or myself. Right now all I want to do is to be accepted by someone and never have to second guess their feelings or actions.

On that same note, my mom texted me during class adamant to get me to come home for dinner. ‘Home’ is three hours away just to get there, thirty bucks worth of gas and reminds me my dad is going to die either this year or the next all while I have a test I have to study for tomorrow. One of the ways she tried to get me to go was by asking about my current diet and whether or not I could eat something. She was being really accepting but we’ve already been through this a few years ago. I said I was going vegan and she launched into a diatribe about how this and that and talked about a lot of weird conspiracy theories she heard on conservative radio talk about how cattle farmers are “really decent people and cows are not hurting the climate!” Needless to say we had a fight about this when the actual part of what I said was “I’m going vegan because I’ve heard there’s a lot of bad stuff going on around, both with the environment and health wise, and can’t eat animal products without having these new pieces of information stuck in my head.”

I’ve never really had a good relationship with my family. We’ve always been combative with each other and I can’t say that I wasn’t partially to blame. However the biggest problem I have is with acceptance. It genuinely doesn’t feel like my parent’s are going to accept my diet, my otherwise sensible lifestyle choices or my sexuality. First and foremost its important that I accept myself otherwise I’m going to live a miserable life and if my parents don’t accept me while I’m alive I’m not going to care all that much. That being said it doesn’t feel great to know that each day you’re living your life you have this thought at the back of your mind reminding you that all you are is denied by those who created you and the less I dwell on those thoughts the better.

3 thoughts on “Currently – 10/29/19 (Class, Relationships, Family)

  1. relationships can be so hard, but you had it right it your last paragraph, the person who really matters is yourself. You have chosen veganism out of choice, whether your family, friends or strangers agree with it or not, you opinion is yours, you’ve heard/read/seen the effects of meat eating, and you’ve changed your lifestyle with a strong conscience – sticking by your choice shows strength of character. As for sexuality, not really a choice is it, this is a part of who you are, I didn’t chose to be straight, my daughter didn’t chose to be a lesbian, it’s just our make-up. You can’t and shouldn’t try to change a fundamental part of your being. The world is changing, slowly, hopefully your mum will accept you for who you are one day. As for being combatitive, well, it’s hard not to be when we feel we are under par in the eyes of those we love, I can empathise there, my mum and I didn’t get on until I was about 36ish, LOADS of history, i was literally a disappointment and a bad reminder for her :D, but here’s what I found, and I’m sorry if it’s uncalled for, I had a business that gave me so much stress and failed, when it failed and i had a bit of a breakdown, my mum actually softened a bit, then I started to relax around her, we started to find joy in each others company. We are very close now, with just an occassional spat, but both of us have learned, once words are said, leave it, move on, find something, quickly to lighten the mood. It’s hard, cos sometimes we are at fault, sometimes we are not at fault, but maybe if we are all able to step back from the stressful situation, try to change the subject, that might help. As for more intimate relationships, I have had relationships, none of which I regret, but all were wrong! I literally found the one I’m with now, when I catagorically did not want a relationship, I was very content, I had no money for niceties but I had everything I needed, I was happy with who I am, I saw no point in a relationship, I was 33 (i think) and have been with him for 11/12 years (I think!). You sound quite young, so I’m guessing early 30s sounds like a lifetime away, but my point is, this person may or may not be for you, but the biggest gift you can give yourself first is the confidence to know you are a worthy person in your own right and you don’t need someone to make you a better person. That being said, I feel for you, it’s so scary when we like someone but don’t know if we’re reading the signs correctly! If the stars do align, and you take the plunge, I’ll be wishing you all the luck in the world and hoping for a great outcome!

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