I keep telling myself “Today is the day I say the truth” but it always gets pushed back for one reason or another. I didn’t necessarily have a good opportunity today either but it was much better. I guess I’m just afraid they’ll answer the way I think they will: reject my feelings towards them because I misunderstood the situation and now I’ve lost a friend because I wanted a partner. Tomorrow, if the stars align and all things go well, I’ll try to put forth that idea. Though the two of us are going to be doing an extra assignment on our day of so that could end up backfiring pretty harshly. Though right now I just feel like I need to say it because if I don’t I’ll never know and I honestly can’t tell which is worse: being rejected or never knowing.
I guess I’m just tired of being alone. Its not really about sex or anything like that, really I just want someone to come home to or to have a person who I know is on my side. Someone who’s going to make me a better person simply by the merit of me wanting to become a better person just for them. Maybe I’m going about this the wrong way but that’s how it feels for me and saying otherwise doesn’t feel honest, not to you or myself. Right now all I want to do is to be accepted by someone and never have to second guess their feelings or actions.
On that same note, my mom texted me during class adamant to get me to come home for dinner. ‘Home’ is three hours away just to get there, thirty bucks worth of gas and reminds me my dad is going to die either this year or the next all while I have a test I have to study for tomorrow. One of the ways she tried to get me to go was by asking about my current diet and whether or not I could eat something. She was being really accepting but we’ve already been through this a few years ago. I said I was going vegan and she launched into a diatribe about how this and that and talked about a lot of weird conspiracy theories she heard on conservative radio talk about how cattle farmers are “really decent people and cows are not hurting the climate!” Needless to say we had a fight about this when the actual part of what I said was “I’m going vegan because I’ve heard there’s a lot of bad stuff going on around, both with the environment and health wise, and can’t eat animal products without having these new pieces of information stuck in my head.”
I’ve never really had a good relationship with my family. We’ve always been combative with each other and I can’t say that I wasn’t partially to blame. However the biggest problem I have is with acceptance. It genuinely doesn’t feel like my parent’s are going to accept my diet, my otherwise sensible lifestyle choices or my sexuality. First and foremost its important that I accept myself otherwise I’m going to live a miserable life and if my parents don’t accept me while I’m alive I’m not going to care all that much. That being said it doesn’t feel great to know that each day you’re living your life you have this thought at the back of your mind reminding you that all you are is denied by those who created you and the less I dwell on those thoughts the better.