Currently – 10/28/19 (Exercise, Class, Feelings)

Last night I decided to do some exercise. It wasn’t a lot and the effort was pretty low but I think there was definitely a psychological aspect of it. I took a shower last night and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Normally I’ll just look and get depressed but at the moment I kind of laughed and ‘jiggled’ my folds a bit. I’m not really fat I’ve just got some personal problem areas. Anyways it was kind of nice just to look at my not ideal body and think “Ha, that’s kind of funny.” In any case I decided to walk on the treadmill for a bit before bed. I’m not sure if it did much but I feel like it was a good activity, especially considering the stuff I usually do before bed isn’t really all that productive.

Class again today and it was pretty good. Talked to some people (I will elaborate later), did some work and generally had a very productive day. I also got back a test I took and got a pretty high score on it. I have this mentality of looking at what I’ve done, praising the effort I put in but always striving to do better and I think that’s working for me. The score was high but I definitely could have done better. Unfortunately I forgot to do some homework which I am disappointed about so it couldn’t have been all that good. That being said I did have a productive conversation with a professional and, apparently, gave them some interesting ideas and they seemed genuinely interested both in my personal opinions but also in the ideas I gave them.

And of course there was that special person. At both times this is really nice and frustrating: nice because I get to spend time with them but also frustrating because I just want to get my feelings out there to see if there’s something here. Today we had a bit more time to talk one on one as well as getting to know one another better, which is always nice. I kind of feel like they were pushing me, at least somewhat, into confessing my feelings but literally every time I’ve thought that before I have always been wrong so I will try to put forth my feelings in a more… sensible way. I had a few opportunities to introduce the idea of us spending more time together but some of those times they were forced to be with me so I felt like that would have made them extremely uncomfortable and the other time didn’t seem ideal for its own reasons that I can’t really pin down.

I think the best course of action is to just say I would like to spend more time with them and leave that extra bit up to context. Though I feel as though if I say that they may get the wrong idea and it could end up blowing up in my face. What would be nice is to give them my phone number and we could chat occasionally… though that could also end poorly. I really hate this whole song and dance. It seems so obvious to me that they like me but I know from past experiences that I can’t trust myself. But I know, more than anything, its better to put my feelings out there and know for sure. But at the same time I don’t want to make them feel uncomfortable in the slightest. I really feel like going to sleep for a while right now…

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