As a follow up to my last post I was really stressing about this new lump that has shown up on my body. My blood pressure spiked really high just from the stress of it and it still hasn’t gone down. My diet choices and what I’ve chosen to cut out is really focused on never having to have any serious health benefits ever again in my life so it felt as though I’ve been putting in this immense amount of work and the universe basically just slapped me in the face. Especially at a time where things in my life are going extremely well. I did some research and talked to some people which hasn’t really helped my mental state but has put some new ideas into my mind. So instead of stressing about having one of the least survivable cancer conditions it could just be a small and minor thing. Tomorrow I plan to go to the doctor to get everything checked out and, hopefully, things will be alright.
So there’s class again, the thing I bring up in every one of my posts now. I have never in my entire life felt as welcome as I have here. People seem to enjoy talking to me, enjoy my company and I feel like I have some structure in my life for once. Not only that but there’s this person in my life who it really seems like they want to get closer to me and I am extremely excited to try and make this into an actual relationship. Right now I’m doing my best to ease into this but at the same time there’s this heavy desire to get to know them better and spend time with them outside the classroom setting. Unfortunately my chances of doing so are limited but I’m not going to let that stop me. Eventually we’ll have spring break so I’m shooting for maybe using that as time to get closer to them.
I think good moments are as only as good as the bad in order to use them as context. Obviously I would never promote a fetishization of suffering just in the off chance things get better. Things have been pretty bad for me lately, as you can see from a lot of the posts I make. Right now there’s still a lot of negative things going on but even more positives. I genuinely enjoy getting up in the morning now, look forward to driving on the road and even like going to class. Obviously there’s some asterisks in there but I feel really uplifted by things that I used to dread or even hate. Is this what it feels like to be happy? Is this what it feels like to have a great life? Whatever it is I really want to make sure it lasts as long as possible.