Currently – 10/23/19 (Class, Work, Cancer)

Each day of class seems to be a little weird in its own way. The day started off great but then some disappointment happened. I feel like talking about it would reveal a bit too much should anyone find this so I’ll just leave it at that. In any case I was pretty bitter. It felt like I was being singled out and I started to get angry, silently, at other people who were doing what I wanted to do. I realized it was childish in the moment so I didn’t make anything of it and tried to make the best of a not ideal situation.

Later in the day I was just feeling off, mostly from seeing my dad yesterday. The thought stuck in my head and I couldn’t let it go. Another small but annoying thing happened later which seemed to compound on my already foul mood. Both events were focused around the person I like which was really the main reason why I was unhappy. Not too long after I was just listening to the lecture when out of the corner of my eye I saw them look over at me but as soon as they thought I was looking they snapped back away. I don’t know, it just felt kind of nice in a weird way. I’ve been trying my best to not assume someone likes me but its little moments like that which make me feel like it might actually be true. That being said, I’d like to take this slow and let it smolder rather than turn into a wildfire.

Caught up with most of my homework so I ‘rewarded’ myself with a bit of goofing off, though I think I’ll try to do some extra work so I can have more free time to do whatever I want during the weekend or what have you. At work I remembered something and asked my supervisor. Unfortunately they remembered that one of my coworkers was going to be absent on a particular day that I usually have off and I, both wanting more money and being somewhat of a door mat, agreed to take the time. Problem is that time, as far as I’ve been lead to believe, is a volunteer time I took in order to both have something to put on my resume but also hang out with this special person. I was planning on asking them afterwards if they wanted to hang out, as the both of us would have the rest of the day off, but alas more annoying stuff unfortunately.

My family has had way too many run ins with cancer. There is, of course, my dad who is in hospice from his cancer, my mom who had a scare but also another relative who had a mastectomy a while ago. I’ve been really self conscious because a lot of people who I am related to by blood seem to be contracting it left and right. Making matters worse is I’ve noticed an abnormal growth underneath my arm. At first I thought it was a bug bite and it would go away but it hasn’t for a few days. Obviously I’m kind of freaking out and now my mind is making up a bunch of other things to signify that it is cancer and since I don’t (as far as I know) have any health insurance I’m not sure how much it would be to go to the doctor to get a biopsy or x-ray to check and make sure its nothing. Not to get too graphic but right now the only method I can think of is to get a sharp knife and… perform surgery on myself. I honestly don’t know what to do.

2 thoughts on “Currently – 10/23/19 (Class, Work, Cancer)

  1. I definitely wouldn’t take a knife to yourself. We are lucky in the UK, we can make a drs appointment and it costs nothing. I have had lumps in my armpits before now – my body reacts weirdly to stress! but they’ve always been managed by antibiotics. luckily I haven’t needed any in years cos as we know antibiotics are losing their super powers! i have no idea how your health care system works, but i would definitely get checked out by a doctor, it’s probably absolutely nothing to worry about, and is probably something really easy to deal with.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for the insight and it was more a dark thought that I entertained for a moment and couldn’t get it out of my head.
      Ya America isn’t too great in the health care system and there’s a lot of people in power trying to make it worse. I did some research and, while its expensive to see a doctor, its definitely doable given my current savings.

      Liked by 1 person

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