Currently – 10/21/19 (Disappointed, Diet, Scared)

I guess I kind of have to explain something off the bat. I’m not really on a diet, so to speak. I do try to, and have kept up with it for some bit of consistency, continue intermittent fasting and I eat a mostly vegan diet with light exercise but I wouldn’t necessarily say I’m on a ‘diet’. Like from the stand point I’m restricting myself certain foods in an effort to become thinner or healthier but I wouldn’t call it a diet rather more of a lifestyle choice. So if I decided, being mostly vegan, to eat a burger with fried chicken and cheese slathered fries (or chips, depending on where you live) I could do that… barring the fact it would just straight up destroy my stomach for hours.

That being said I did something really stupid with my diet. Last night I was having some immense problems sleeping seeing as how I usually go to bed around 10 pm but I just barely could sleep at 12 am. As a result I was completely messed up in terms of energy for a long time and, knowing I had class that I have to stay awake for, I went to get some coffee. While in the line waiting to pay I saw some really not great for me junk food that I got because I’m dumb and I can’t think ahead more than a few moments. Just a few minutes ago I almost completely wolfed down all of that awful, unnecessary junk food and, not only am I disappointed in myself, but my stomach also hurts.

I’ve been trying to get into better shape and, while I know this isn’t going to immediately derail all that I’ve done, it just feels like I’ve screwed up everything. Mostly my ‘dieting’ choices are more to promote better eating habits, lessen cravings and increase my overall willpower. My being vegan is more to assist with that and because of all the environmental havoc going on I can’t in good conscience eat animal products without feeling at least slightly guilty. So right now I’m really just disappointed that I, in a moment of weakness, did something really dumb. I thought I was better than this.

Alright so I may be overacting a bit (I mean I literally just devoted three paragraphs to it so, ya, probably). I think right now I’m kind of just spiraling with a lot of emotions going on. I had to leave the class for a pretty significant amount of time because, for the first time since I was a kid, I started having serious chest pains. I think this is due to the fact that I’m seriously crushing on someone in the class right now. I hesitate to say anything, mostly from the standpoint I don’t want that information to be revealed, but also whenever I talk about really really liking someone everything seems to go wrong and the whole thing explodes in my face.

I’m not really obsessed with this person but I’m definitely going out of my way to get into situations where I can interact with them. I am being respectful of their space as much as possible, of course. I’m not going to, essentially, stalk them or anything creepy like that. I’m absolutely not that type of person. I’m just not sure what to do here. If my feelings are rebuked then I have to spend nearly a year being around this person until we can quietly forget the other person existed. Of course there’s this possibility that it could end up being great and we have a whirlwind romance which leads to moving in together and getting married. I really hate having these feelings…

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