Currently – 10/17/19 (Off, Diligence, Work)

I keep having this habit of being happy about things that are going on in my life and then it ends up turning sour. I’m not really sure why but if I had to guess its a mental thing that makes me want to destroy things as opposed to building them up. I just felt wrong today. No real specific reason. And the problem is you can’t exactly just come out and say that to people because that’s not really a normal thing people have happen. Normal people don’t feel really happy one day and then depressed the other day for literally no reason.

If I’m being honest I think I kind of overshared. Someone asked me about the scars on my arm, which is pretty standard and a lot of people do. I trusted them and, while making it as vague as possible, made it clear that I haven’t had a good life. Suddenly this person is avoiding me now so that’s great. My go to is to say that I used to work with animals and then found out I was allergic to flea bites, which isn’t a complete lie but I think people pick up on it. Its annoying because I start to trust someone with the fact I’ve had a darker past and then they end up leaving for whatever reason.

Anyways, I am trying to be a bit more diligent. Put myself out there a bit in order to earn some experience. I also bought some optional stuff so that I could help train myself even when I’m out of class. Hopefully I can get a handle on one of my worse subjects. I really want this to work out. It feels like there’s actually something here that I could build into a life and I don’t want to mess it up. Maybe I could get myself into a better place, both in terms of location but also, and hopefully, mentally.

Honestly I’ve got more stuff to do in this class. Tomorrow I’m going to try and put my nose to the grindstone and really do what needs to be done. Maybe I can end up not just getting by but actually succeeding. It feels weird knowing I have some potential that I can use to my benefit. I just hope this isn’t a pipe dream or I screw it up somehow.

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