Currently 10-2-19 (Class, Lonely, Reflection)

And so continues the ongoing adventures of me going to class. I’ve been trying to interact with my classmates a bit more for a variety of reasons. Mostly because many of them have asked me why I don’t and I don’t have a good answer plus we’re stuck together for almost a year so I might as well make the best of it. At the beginning I just had a friendly chat with a group. Nothing really specific just trying to pretend that I’m a normal person.

Later we started talking again during our break. Pretty much everyone started talking about who they were with dating wise and I just realized how alone I felt. For context the last person I could ever remotely say I was dating was in high school over a decade ago. I’ve never done ‘anything’ with anyone so there’s that extra punch. I’m almost 30 years old and I have about as much experience as someone half my age. Even then, now that I think about it, they probably have more.

I just kind of got depressed for a while. Most of what I thought previously was just dashed within a few moments. I was forced to realize that, despite my age, I haven’t done anything. I totally support someone’s right to not do those things if they want and I don’t think that someone who hasn’t done those things is a weirdo but at the same time I really wanted that stuff. I can’t help but look at myself and think about why I’m not able to get that stuff. Not necessarily sex but just companionship in general.

Part of me feels like I’m blowing this out of proportion but another part knows why I’m feeling like this. It isn’t about age but time. I really do want to have a fulfilling relationship with someone and the fact that, despite my efforts, I can’t get that satisfaction is both alienating and depressing. Someday just seems so far off. All I can do is look at now and wonder why it hasn’t happened yet. Even worse is asking myself if it ever will.

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