Had a pretty decent day at class today. There’s this one woman who keeps asking me (two times now) why I’m so stand offish and don’t interact with people. At the time I didn’t have an answer but the truth is I’ve been seen as a creepy weirdo my entire life. Pretty much anyone I’ve ever known feels the need to comment on how I’m so terrible at being a normal social human being, ask me why I’m not normal and I can’t say because the stuff that has messed me up in life effectively kills any conversation like some kind of conversation nuclear bomb. Her words stuck with me and I decided to have lunch with some of my classmates. After a while they invited me to sit with them and we talked for a bit which was nice. There’s some other stuff I’d like to know about, like how I keep seeing this one person glancing at me every so often but I think I’ll leave that for my brain to mull over.
Tonight was family night, which I always hate. Its never good and I always end up feeling as though I’ve wasted my time apart from free food. Parents bickering as usual, my dad’s addled brain forcing all of us to repeat ourselves multiple times while my mom calmly pesters me on my life. She keeps poking the idea that I’m going to find a wife in this class, which I’m not against, but it keeps screwing up my interactions with these nice women who I’ve said before I would like to treat from a baseline as professionals or peers. Dating or marrying anyone of them sounds great but as opposed to looking at them like I’m some kind of king picking out my future wife from a line up I’d rather treat them as equals.
An additional thing I hate about family night is I always have more important things to do and I end up being forced to cut into my sleep time in order to get what I need done. I cut into my sleep time all the time but at least I do that on purpose for a variety of reasons… not always sensible but at least its my choice. I know I’m choosing to spend like ten minutes to write this out but this is my choice to continually keep up with my daily post. Worst part is that I can’t just say “No, I have work to do”. It always ends up that I get pestered for like five minutes about how I should and how we’ll “totally get back in time”, which we never do. I dislike it in general but when it cuts into things I need to do is when it gets really frustrating.
I guess I’ll talk about my plans for tomorrow. First I’m going to finish this assignment so I can turn it in. I’m also going to try and go to bed earlier than usual so I can do my morning routine. I already have something packed for lunch so I’m going to try and sit with others at lunch tomorrow and get to know them a little better. Like I’ve said I want to treat everyone in this class with respect but, that being said, I would like to be… closer to some of the people here. Friends is nice but, as I’ve said before, I’m tired of being alone and I’d really like some companionship. I’m not going to work towards it like I usually do but rather take my time and get to know someone a bit better. If anything should blossom from it then that’s great but otherwise I’ll just be happy to talk to people who (hopefully) don’t judge me immediately at first sight or make assumptions about me by what I choose to do.