I did something, that I’m somewhat ashamed about, and it made me feel better. Even with the anonymity I’ve tried to cultivate here I’m not comfortable talking about it. I will say that what I did was perfectly legal so lets not blow it out of proportion. It was kind of insane how just doing it made me almost instantly feel better. It also made me remember I had some homework I needed to finish and I got it all done before bed. I feel like talking about it more will reveal what it is so I won’t go too far into it but I feel a lot better.
Of course feeling better doesn’t mean I’m fine. Its like I was hanging off the side of a cliff and now I’ve pulled myself up. I’m still far too close to the edge for comfort but the main danger has passed. I guess now I feel like I have a better handle on my class a bit more. Last test I got back I just barely failed it by one point but the test I got back today was nearly perfect. Obviously both tests had wildly different subjects but the number was what I’m mainly looking at. I really need to buckle down and study so I can make sure that never happens again.
I still feel really alone, though. Not really connected to anyone. Especially today where it seemed like a lot of people were avoiding me. But, as usual, all I had to do was put myself out there a little bit. Engage with people and try to talk with them, be open and available, not just content with sitting in the corner and hoping others notice I would like to have some human connection. At the end of the day someone did initiate me in some way. Though it was definitely a very last minute thing, it felt good to have someone notice me even if it was just in a small way.
I think the biggest problem right now is I don’t know how to solve my problems. I hate math as a subject but I like the idea of concrete solutions. I dislike the idea that there’s so many unknown variables to life that you could end up being confused because you did everything that should have worked and yet failed. I know life would be a little more boring if there was a clear solution but boring is preferable to suffering in my book. It would be really nice if the answer was easier to find.
I’ve been thinking a lot about writing again. I’m not sure when I actually have the time now. Technically I do right now but my brain is just so… I honestly don’t have a word for it, that I can’t really do anything. My mind wants to be creative but my body just can’t. Hopefully I’ll find a solution. No matter what happens in my life I still want to write and create. No matter how much destruction and chaos keeps happening around me I still want to create.