Currently – 9/29/19 (Depressed, Lost, Alone)

More work today. Not much to say. Although someone did something pretty annoying to me that really set my day off. I gave myself a slightly easier task to do but someone went behind my back and switched it with something more difficult. Its taken me a long few years to get my anger under control but, I’ve got to be honest, when people do that it absolutely infuriates me. Obviously I’m not going to do anything. This job is the only thing that’s keeping me afloat.

The one problem I have with dealing with my anger is that my mood is very fleeting and changes fast. I’m not sure why but it takes a complete turn afterwards and begins amplifying my other moods. Today’s mood would be depression. I have a lot of problems that I need to essentially just vent to someone but that’s not happening. So then I get to thinking about how many people I have in my life and the amount of people who actually care for me and then I get depressed because when you can literally count that number on one hand and not even use up all of your fingers you would also get really sad.

Unfortunately there is no cure for that, as usual. I just have to sit here and wallow in my own sadness, alone. When I wallow I don’t take it out on others but myself. I think of why no one wants to be around me and internalize how I’m just going to be alone forever because of the way I am. I’m really trying to be a better person but when there’s no benefit at the end of this I can’t help but feel I should just be as terrible as I’ve always been. But I won’t because I have at least a bit of a conscience.

If you’re reading this I want you to know how terrible it is to be lonely. And if you’re having problems with the people you care about in your life understand that if you care about them and they care about you that you should seek to fix that. Its agonizing going home to an empty, cold house. Eating alone and going to bed alone is draining. I don’t want to keep doing this anymore but I’m not sure how I can stop it.

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