Currently – 9/23/19 (School, Birthday, Lost)

Yet another day at school. It feels less… painful to go to school on a regular basis. I guess by ‘pain’ what I really mean is frustration or annoyance. Its a very long class and I’m really unsure if I can actually do the work necessary to both finish the class and be able to get my certification once this is all over but there’s the added pressure that my mom, dad and grandma have all put up a considerable amount of money for me to do this. I guess when I go to school I feel tense for a while, then that melts away into being a bit more comfortable and then I go back home to be tense because of the pressure that’s on me to succeed.

So my birthday is tomorrow which I am not excited for. I’ve listed out some of my problems with my birthday in a previous post but I’ll just say that it means a lot to me when really I just don’t want to even think about it. I’ve never understood this huge pressure to have a party or lots of presents in general. I’m not against you celebrating your birthday, and in fact I will celebrate with you happily, but its just everything else around it that just makes me feel extremely uncomfortable. All pressure is put on you in a variety of ways when I personally just want to just relax. My idea of a really good birthday is just a day where you don’t worry about anything and, again, I’m not against you if your personal preference is to make something big of it or anything like that.

If I’m being completely honest I’m incapable of reading people whatsoever. I find people who can instantly understand a person via body language or coded language to be like a super power or genetic mutation. There’s this girl in class that I sit fairly close to that I can never get a read on. I don’t talk to her much but sometimes she’ll talk to me, often out of the blue. Before we were leaving class she asked me if tomorrow was my birthday and the only time I really remember telling her that was fairly long ago. So now my mind is racing thinking that I’m someone important enough to have personal information remembered about them. Interacting with people is really confusing…

There’s also a secondary factor that comes with my birthday and that’s analyzing myself. I can’t help but look at who I am, who I’ve become and what I’ve accomplished now that I’m turning older and when I look at who I am right now… I honestly can’t pin down something that says I have done anything worthwhile. I mean I have this blog, which is really amazing and again just want to thank all of you for reading this mess, but apart from that? Not much else. I guess that’s also why I don’t like my birthdays. It really just brings it back home to me that I haven’t done anything. I can’t help but wonder if I die tomorrow will I have a legacy? I can’t help but feel like people my age, and even those younger than me, are doing what they want and I just feel really lost and confused.

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