I wasn’t expecting my friend to call me up. Pretty much out of the blue. She basically just chewed me out for being an idiot, which I deserved. Part of the way through I started crying. I wasn’t aware how badly I hurt her and it just really got to me. There’s a part of me that feels like I shouldn’t be talking to her anymore. If I made her feel this badly do I even deserve to be her friend?
Spurred on by this feeling, I guess, I felt the urge to write. I don’t know why it just felt like I needed to do something constructive. I mean there’s honestly not much you can do after you realized that you hurt someone really badly. In my case I guess I just felt like channeling those emotions elsewhere. I still feel bad but now I’ve put some words onto paper (metaphorically speaking) so now my emotions are there in an effort to move on with the day. I would like to reconcile with her but… well I guess I already explained why I’m having second thoughts about that, among other reasons I don’t feel like talking about.
And of course there’s the future. That nebulous idea that’s always just out of reach. The weird thing I just realized about the future is we can never get there. As soon as we get there then its become the present and our memory of the time is the past. I was watching a video earlier from someone I’ve subscribed to on YouTube. It was one of those nerd deep dives where “Was this secretly deeper than you thought?” from a channel called Renegade Cut. I won’t spoil it, because its actually a pretty decent video and you should watch it, but it was about that old live action He-Man movie with Dolph Lundgren. There was a lot of talk about the future that kind of spoke to me in a weird way, made me think about stuff I wasn’t really wanting to think about. I guess in the same way I’m wondering about being a writer and also about this person who’s really special to me. If I should reach for this goal or will it forever be unreachable like the future as a nebulous concept.