Currently – 9/14/19 (Work, Money, Alone)

Another weekend, another day at my part time job. Its easy and the pay is decent for the amount of work I put in. My only real concern is the lack of freedom on the weekends. I’m not complaining that I have a job that is enough to pay the bills, rather I dislike the fact that my weekends are now devoted to keeping myself afloat for the time being. Feels like I’m becoming more of an adult which I’m not into. I’m not going to act childish about this but I don’t want to work my entire life. I’d rather just be getting by rather than have money. You can have all the money in the world but if you don’t have any time to spend it then what is it really worth?

I do have an idea, apart from paying bills and general living expenses, of what I want to do with it. My friend invited me to come to her country and hang out. There’s a lot of things surrounding this that I’m iffy on. First and foremost is the cost. Not even factoring in living expenses for how long I will be staying it would be around a thousand dollars round trip. Second is the idea she may just be being nice and this is more of a formality. Third, I guess, is it ends up badly and I just have this massive hole in my wallet and a bad experience. Also there’s this awful thought in the back of my mind that I have to accept: Is this person worth the time and money?

Look I care about her and she’s great but if I’m being honest I hate the fact that when I try to talk to her there’s a significant chance I’m just going to be met with radio silence. Now imagine that but I’ve spent over a thousand dollars to visit this person and they do it to me when I’m a few feet away from them. I guess its the poor experiences I’ve had with relationships in the past that are making me feel this way. But now I can actually put a tangible cost on potentially forming a greater relationship with this person. If I was rich and money was no object I could go there no problem and if it went poorly I could just walk around this country as a wealthy tourist and potentially visit more places here.

The worst part about this is I’m not sure if having these feelings makes me a terrible friend. I do genuinely care about her but I’m never sure if she feels the same way about me. Its exhausting to put yourself out there, trying to create a meaningful connection, only to have the other party shun you. There was a time when I was really considering uprooting my life and moving to where she was in order to foster a connection but now I’m not so sure. It would be really nice if I could just get definitive answers to my questions as opposed to dancing around the subject.

At the same time I want to be respectful. She’s been through a lot and I don’t want to add to her worries. Then again would it just be better if I were to leave? If I am creating more problems than I can solve, it would be better if I wasn’t in the picture… right? Should I return that silence as well? Would I be potentially ruining something even greater than what is here right now? Better question: Is what I have now all I can hope for?

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