Today I was mostly productive like I wanted to be. Did some much needed laundry, shaved a bit and even used a face mask which… I’m not sure does anything but its something that feels like it does something which is the effect I was looking for. I also did some homework which felt… okay. I guess its just reminding me how massive this work load is. Literally multiple pages of homework.
I tried texting my friend and she… did not respond. Kind of made me feel miserable. I kind of had this “Screw it, I want to talk to her and beating around the bush isn’t going to do that” type mood. I think it makes me feel awful from the standpoint that I put myself out there only to realize that I’m alone here. I just wish I didn’t feel terrible when my desire for affection or connection goes unrequited. Then again she does have a habit of coming back some time later so… probably just need to wait. For now I will sulk and reread messages trying to find if I somehow offended her in some way and the best way to apologize until she comes back with a much more reasonable response as to why she wasn’t answering that will take around five seconds. Yay…
All of these feelings make me want to be a robot. Just something that doesn’t have to feel these emotions and just goes through life cold and logically. There’s supposed to be this balancing act of bad to good. Like stuff is bad but eventually it (ideally) should be balanced out. I feel alone right now but then there’s the elation of human contact and someone genuinely caring about me. Unfortunately those good moments are few at best and the space between them where misery takes root is thick and constant. There’s some part of me that knows one day I’m going to be so happy I will forget all about what being sad felt like. Full and rewarding job, get married to my soul mate, the joy of seeing my first child, growing old with someone I have a genuine connection with. Then again none of that is guaranteed.
Is it really worth suffering through all of this in the off chance that potential good could come of it? Will I find peace and happiness? Is all of my effort wasted? If I’m being honest I don’t necessarily want to feel happy or good, I just want the absence of pain or anguish. Misery doesn’t necessarily predate joy. In fact bad feelings don’t give way to good feelings. After I feel terrible I just have this numbness that eventually fades. When you’re hurt you don’t immediately feel better once the pain is gone, you’re just finding peace in the nothing. There’s solace in absence but not happiness.