Currently – 9/11/19 (School, Fears, Effort)

So last post was… another thing. I guess I have somewhat of a confession to make. I’m somewhat superstitious. Not to a significant degree like I don’t believe in weird or extraordinary stuff but I won’t screw around with weird things under the pretense of “If it works”. I’m the black guy in a horror movie that has half a brain as the other characters say something like “Let’s go have a raging party in the abandoned house that was once inhabited by serial killer that specifically hated teenagers and when he was caught before he died he said some weird stuff about coming back and exacting his revenge on this exact night and it just so happens to be the anniversary of his death!” Coincidentally I am a black guy so… maybe there’s something there to that. I just realized this blog has reached a lot of people outside of America so I’m not sure if that highly specific joke will scan. Let me know if it doesn’t, I like learning about other cultures.

Anyways so, I think I’ve mentioned this before but, I don’t like to talk about good things going on in my life because they always seem to blow up in my face. Now it feels like that may not happen. Of course there’s always the possibility but it feels like I’m, more or less, in some sense of control of it now. At least from the standpoint that I’m not going to let it control me being happy for little or big moments in my life. Right now things feel good and I’m going to be happy about that. I don’t want to be scared or hide things I like or I’m excited about for fear that they will be taken away from me. The only person who can take that stuff away from me is… well me and I don’t want to do that.

School is interesting right now. We’re beginning to amp up the course a bit. I’m still a little bit nervous about all this stuff and its been manifesting itself in other ways. Gross but I have dandruff and its been getting more unmanageable as time goes on. I’m thinking about buying some, apparently, medical grade shampoo to help. It has decent reviews online so I think I’ll do some more research before I fully commit to it.

Speaking of hygiene I think I’m going to trim my hair and shave my facial hair. I haven’t had a job in a while, a normal one at least, so I’ve just been letting parts of myself go. I keep fidgeting with my hair, the gross flakes that get all over my clothes and I keep getting poked by my mustache. Maybe I’ll leave some of the beard but the mustache feels like needles poking into me and I don’t need to be reminded of something I’m freaked out about right now.

I think my two biggest problems right now are adjusting into the mindset of a potential new job after this class that really goes against who I am fundamentally as a person and getting into the groove of becoming a more… realized person. I’m really awkward and have trouble talking to others and this job is very social. Talking on phones and with people? Maybe needles aren’t the thing I’m most worried about. But this is healthy. I can’t just be a shut in and I want to form meaningful relationships later in life. I doubt someone would want to marry a socially awkward person.

Its really hard to change who you are but I do want to. I really want to become someone better, someone more whole and complete. I’m jealous of people who have their lives together and kind of envious. A lot of things have gone wrong in my life but that’s no reason they have to continue going badly. You can’t find a future if you’re constantly living in the past. Then again I don’t want to obsess about the future either, rather I want to be here in the present and work towards a better future.

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