Currently – 9/10/19 (Feelings, Love, Trust)

Fair warning: I’m going to get a bit more heavy a little later. So if you’re not into that I don’t mind if you decide to bail. I’m not currently making money off this blog, maybe someday in the future, so you leaving is just you not wanting that. I will start off with a little less heavy topic cause, hey, I like the views.

School is going well, I think. Its only been two days so I can’t really tell. I still feel a bit of anxiety from all of this and there’s a lot of heavy topics going on that I’m not totally sure I can do even with training but I think I need to have faith in myself. You never know your limits if you never come up against them. I have a lot of worst case scenarios going on in my head that I’d rather push out or erase all together so I can focus on this but for now they will just continue to take up space in my head for the time being. Hopefully they will dissipate as time goes on.

So… now its time for the heavy stuff. I guess I should preface this by revealing that I am in fact a man. I want to keep my identity out of this as much as possible for obvious reasons and its easier to tell the truth behind a closed curtain than an open window… or a better metaphor for the value of anonymity. I can’t really tell how my friend feels about me but I know that I feel… attraction towards her. Before it was easy and I was sure she wasn’t interested in me in that way but recently its become somewhat muddled. I know I helped her when she was in a bad place but since then we’ve become a lot closer and I’m second guessing the possibility that she may, in whatever capacity, want to reciprocate.

For the most part I’ve tried to distance those feelings and not bring them up because she may not be ready to deal with that. She already knows that I’m attracted to her so its not like its a secret. Recently she’s become… I’m not really sure what the word is for it other than ‘friendlier’. Any messages we send to one another often have a somewhat undertone of that ‘friendliness’ I’m talking about and I can’t tell if she’s warming up to the idea of potentially being ‘closer’. Ultimately I want to be respectful and I’m definitely not interested in moving forward if she isn’t. Making matters a lot more difficult is we don’t even remotely live near each other, in fact its a literal ocean and thousands more miles apart.

Whenever I think about her I feel like I want to get closer. I think about her and I feel like this is someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. I want to be there in the happy moments and even the dark ones, to hold her and make sure she knows everything is alright. I want to build a life with her. But I’ve felt this before and I can’t trust myself or my feelings. And if moving forward has the potential to break us apart I’m not going to go that far. But is it right to just keep pretending that I care for her deeply?

I think right now I need to bury these feelings. Deep down I know she’s not interested. Ultimately I want what’s best for her, no matter what but I can’t lie to myself or her. Maybe someday we could discuss this together and, ideally, this could become something more. But what I have right now is good and I don’t want to trade that in for the potential of something better if that means losing what is already here. Maybe someday, just not right now.

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