Currently – 9/8/19 (School, Longing, Fears)

Tomorrow I’m going to be going to my class. There have been some problematic things around this, mostly that the books I was supposed to get beforehand have been delayed. It is entirely possible that I will be kicked out immediately on day one simply for not having these but I’m hopeful I can convince them otherwise. I’ll also have to actually wake up early for the first time in a while, which is annoying but potential well paying job after this class is over so… kind of a small thing.

More talking with my friend today. She wasn’t feeling well so it was mostly assuring her how great of a person she is and how much she means to me. There was some other stuff where it was a little bit happier but it was mostly the first part. Unfortunately I feel like my feelings for her are getting deeper. Which isn’t a bad thing but I feel like she isn’t interested in reciprocating. There’s a lot of emotions tied around this but what I feel more than anything is I just want her to be happy. I think what I fear more than anything is another situation where I put everything into a relationship only to be rebuffed. Then again maybe just this is good. More would be something I’m interested in but what is here right now I’m satisfied with so I think trying to go forward would be a big mistake.

Of course even telling myself that, something sensible and I can completely understand, doesn’t mean that my unconscious thoughts are going to fall in line. I really do want this class to work out and eventually lead into a rewarding job I can have until I decide to retire but it could just as well not work out at all. I could end up stuck where I am right now and be almost incapable of moving forward. Writing seemed like it would be my way out or a back up plan but the chances of me becoming a successful writer are slim at best. What I fear more than anything is being unable to progress my life in any meaningful way.

What I really want now is a partner. Someone who stands by my side, pushes me to better myself while also being someone I can lean on when necessary. My luck with dating people is nonexistent at best. My biggest frustration is I have no idea why I keep getting passed over. Am I ugly? Do I smell bad? Personality terrible? It doesn’t matter if what people say hurts me if I know exactly what I need to change. I think life would be a lot better if people were more honest… to a degree. I would rather have my feelings hurt than be left in the dark as to how to better myself.

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