Currently 9/5/19 (Truth, Honesty, Insecurity)

So… ya. Last post. That was kind of heavy. First time I ever admitted something like that, if I’m being honest. I’ve never told any of my friends and certainly none of my family members. Not sure where to go from here if there is anywhere left.

I guess I’ve just been feeling like I haven’t amounted to anything and I’m never going to. That’s why I’m so interested in writing. To put something down that signals I existed even for the briefest of moments. I’m not good at anything else. I’m really socially awkward, I’m not funny at least when I first meet someone, I used to think I was smart but I’m not sure anymore, and I’m certainly not attractive. At this point I really want to get married to someone, share my life and my vulnerabilities with another person. But even more than that I just want someone to look at me and accept me for who I am.

I don’t like to keep mirrors around or just look at them in general. I can’t even recognize my own face anymore. It feels like I’m staring at a stranger. Of course I know its me so I’m not that far gone. But when I know its me I just look at all my faults and flaws. I remember all the dumb things I’ve done and then I start judging myself. I don’t know which is worse: being so disconnected from yourself you barely recognize your own reflection or constantly judging yourself for your actions.

I keep having this dream recently. I’m standing on a mountain overlooking the world. In front of me is a figure sitting down, looking at what I’m looking at. They’re old, much older than me. Even from where I am I know its me but a future version, someone who’s lived their life. I want to ask them about their path, about where they’ve been so I can take the best path. All I can do is stare at them wondering if I should, if the questions I ask don’t lead me down the correct path. All I can ask is “Did you find what you were looking for?” There’s always this unbearable silence to the point that I hold my breath and steady my heart so I don’t miss a single word of wisdom they have to offer me. And every time they simply answer: “No.”

Then again I don’t think any answer, no matter how elaborate, would have been satisfying.

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