Currently – 9/4/19 (School, Time, Insecure)

Today started off normal until my mom called me. We went to the school to pay off the final fee and do some other small stuff. My grandma was putting up part of the money so that I can take the class and she wanted to talk to me. She voiced her concerns saying that the class I was taking, which would lead to a job, is for people persons in the sense you have to have good social skills. It was the first time I’ve talked to her in months so it was kind of an unpleasant thing all around. She’s a very nice person in her own right but ever since my grandpa died I’ve started looking at the rest of my family in a more unfamiliar light.

Its not that I haven’t experienced death or the death of a family member before but my grandpa’s death really broke me. I never cried so hard than when I stood at his bedside seeing his lifeless body, or rather I crumpled to the floor. After going through the grieving process I remember the last time I saw him alive weeks before. He walked by me across a hallway. He didn’t say anything but he just stopped for a second and glared at me with such an unfamiliar and unwelcoming gaze. I tried to say something but I couldn’t and he left without saying anything either. Later I found out he was fully aware he was going to pass, in some extent, and had made plans to secure a few people’s futures beforehand. My brother received something from him whereas I feel like he abandoned me right then and there, perhaps seeing something inside of me he was disgusted by.

Of course something like that changed me forever. It felt like his final act as my grandfather was to abandon me. Of course he wasn’t always like that. He was a giant of a man in more ways than one, towering over people with both his stature and presence. He was happy and full of life as well as dedicating himself to helping those less fortunate than him, both in small ways like giving jobs to those who lived on each paycheck day to day and in creating a nonprofit business solely to help the mentally disabled live better lives. Of course this wouldn’t make him a good grandfather but simply a good person. However he was also a good grandfather, always helping his grandchildren and being a beacon for all of us. Or at least I felt he was.

Ever since then I haven’t been able to trust anyone. I started lashing out against other people because I was afraid they would abandon me as well. If my own grandfather, someone who I had known for my entire life and trusted, could abandon me so easily knowing full well he wasn’t going to be alive for much longer then how could I trust anyone else? Its been six years since then and this feeling continues to poison every relationship I have or wish to have.

I think the worst part about it is that my grandfather seemed to be this larger than life figure who always tried to be a good man. Not a single thing he ever did in my life ever made me believe he wasn’t a kind, strong and caring man. So why did this person abandon me? I am I wrong? Evil? Did he see something in me that made him disown me in those final moments? And if that’s the case, why should I see myself as anything different? If one of my personal heroes, a kind and generous man, someone of my own blood, a man who I have never heard a single person say anything negative about, saw something terrible in me… then it had to exist, couldn’t it?

One thought on “Currently – 9/4/19 (School, Time, Insecure)

  1. Opinions vary, and obviously can’t be proven but you can look at it in a logical state of mind. You can’t know something for 100% certain is or isn’t if it is not based on yourself. An example I can say I like cats, but actually, I don’t like them at all and you would just register in your head that I like cats, by either the statement or how I act, Feel and is are not the same thing. You may feel like you were abandoned but you can’t know that. What if is was the opposite? Maybe he saw in you so much strength he wasn’t worried because he knew you were going to be okay?

    Liked by 1 person

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