Tried to write some more. I did a lot less than I expected to do. Not entirely sure what the problem is but I think its dialogue. There’s something I want to say with each chapter that will move the story forward while also having decent callbacks so I think that’s the main problem. Maybe there’s just this block in my mind right now. Though if I had to guess it was me screwing up my morning routine a bit so maybe that was the big problem.
Yesterday I said that I was feeling depressed and lonely so I was going to talk a walk and clear my head. I spend nearly all day, every day stuck in my room and this place which means I don’t get out much. Someone suggested I go out and walk to make myself feel better. That… kind of worked. I still feel depressed and sad but I had the whole idea that I actually went out and did something, no matter how small. I fear this is just one of those things with a singular solution and unfortunately it doesn’t look like I’m able to get that solution. I guess what I gained was some perspective and some snacks too, I guess. I’ll give my idea on how to get myself out of this funk some thought.
Tonight was family night. There’s a bit of a communication issue between myself and my family. I was under the impression we weren’t going out tonight so I got some food… and then we went out for some food. The whole ordeal was a bit more pleasant than usual but I think my one sticking point is my mom wants me to co-write a book with her and wouldn’t take no for an answer. She’s really hyper Christian and just the mention of the darker aspects of what I’m writing illicit a a silent “Oh” from her at best so the idea of writing a book I can be proud of with her is… not ideal. Not only that but any mention of my book to her makes me second guess everything I’m doing and sometimes just straight drop a book because I keep needlessly obsessing about it. Long story short, this is a bad idea and I absolutely don’t want to do it.
Classes will be starting soon and I’m shaky at best about them. I know they’re going to rob me of time but at the same time am I really doing anything right now? I spend each day waking up, checking my phone, trying to write then spend the rest of the day alternating between playing games or watching videos. I’ve been trying to be more productive and make more meaningful choices but it just feels impossible. No energy to make my life better so that I can do things that would make my life better. I feel like I’m trapped in a tidal wave and all my energy to swim out is just robbed from me. Do I keep fighting against the current or allow myself to be dragged down? Can I get back up this time?