Currently – 8/24/19 (Lazy, Weight?, Wait!)

Unfortunately no writing today. I think I didn’t do it because I was just so tired from last night. I was asked to sit in at my part time job and the description was really… lacking. Like I wasn’t sure about the specifics other than I had to ‘work’ through the night but I wasn’t sure what that entailed so I debated going to sleep or if I should attempt to wire myself up with coffee but then that would affect my performance for the next shift I was to take… So ya I really didn’t get much rest. I took the time shift for multiple reasons but basically I just want to be as helpful as possible because I think if I lose another job that’s going to break me. Don’t worry, I am getting enough rest I’m just still in that uncomfortable stage of it being a new job and I don’t want to step on toes.

I’ve had something of a weight problem for a while. Actually I should say its more of a body image problem more than anything. I know I’m not fit and that sucks but I’m not extremely overweight and its somewhat manageable. For me its about my appearance more than anything, although health wise it would be nice. I walked by a near full length mirror and saw my gut jutting out. I don’t mean like “I am self conscious and I perceive my gut hanging out” rather it was actually hanging out and it brought my mood down. I don’t have a problem with people and weight, my friend isn’t in the best shape but I’m always telling her that its fine if she stays at her current weight as long as she’s happy with it. I am not and I really would like to change that.

I guess I just have a problem with exercising regularly. I think its making a habit of it that’s difficult. I often just don’t have the energy or willpower to get up and do something simply. I don’t need to lose weight in a certain time period or for anything in particular, I just want to slim down a bit so I have more confidence and maybe I’ll be more attractive. Already I find it hard to take pictures of myself, even just the face because there’s also some problems I have there. It doesn’t feel like anyone is attracted to me looking like all of this.

Maybe its just a mind over matter thing. I think(?) I’ve been hit on in the past. Its really difficult to tell, though. I’m not sure if you’re attracted to me or just trying to be nice. It would be a lot easier and nicer if people were just more direct. Although would that be worse? Instead of wondering if I’m attractive to others would I just be sad that no one is saying I’m attractive? It feels like a lose-lose situation.

Someone told me that I need to love myself before I can love anyone else, and I disagree with every fiber in my being. Plenty of people hate themselves but love others! Why am I the only person who has to love myself before I can love or be loved by someone else? Not to drag on this person, even though they are no longer in my life and I want it to stay that way, but they were terrible at relationships too. My ideal mate is someone who looks at my flaws and loves me, not in spite of those flaws or overlooks them but loves me and all of me. I think if I had someone like that in my life I would want to be better for them in every way. The right person challenges you to become the best you that you can be each day. That’s how I see it.

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