Currently – 8/22/19 (Continuation, Yearning, Exploration)

Yet another day and yet more work on my book. I finally finished a chapter and it took around three days, which is not ideal but in the spirit of acceptance I’m going to be happy that I finished the chapter at all. I can be annoyed that I didn’t do my chapter a day goal because I am just now getting over a lengthy depressive state or the fact that the words are still eluding me but I think its better to pat myself on the back for what I have done. I’ve always beaten myself up over not meeting my own expectations or lashed out at people for not meeting my own secret expectations I’ve had for them and just started trying to accept it.

I really wanted to text someone today but I decided against it. I’m not going to go into too much detail about the person or the past because I’m kind of tired of doing so, but I feel like I want to accept them for who they are. More often than not they won’t respond back and at first I was scared that I was putting effort into a relationship that was going nowhere so I got angry at them. Now I want to accept this person for who they are and hopefully we both can find some common ground rather than me forcing them to be where I am. Given the opportunity we would both spend days talking to each other non stop but I know that isn’t sensible or possible for a variety of reasons. Maybe some day we can come to a point where we just talk for hours and hours but right now what is here I am satisfied with.

Recently I’ve been thinking of working on another book simultaneously. My biggest problem with doing that is I have, in the past, prioritized one book over the other and stopped writing in the latter all together. This wouldn’t be such a problem if these events overlapped continuously. I’m trying to repress feelings of how amazing it would be to tell this other story in favor of the current one I’m working on. I want to finish this one and if I still have those feelings I’ll go to the other one as well. I need to stick with this one to the end.

As weird as it sounds I’m thinking of taking some… recreational substances. In the past I’ve had no desire to do this because of fear or just not liking it in general. I don’t even drink because I dislike the taste and my normal closed off personality becomes very open and unnecessarily verbose. I’ve heard about the unusual experiences people have on this stuff and they sound interesting. I’m not in it to ‘expand my creativity’ or anything like that but I hear about people who have almost religious experiences and accept themselves on the right substances. I think my biggest fear is from a medical perspective, both from the sense of thinking I could die or potentially getting addicted. Right now I don’t really have the means to do any of it but I would be interested in the near future. Though I don’t want something that’s relaxing and more mind expanding but I wouldn’t refuse something to loosen up a bit either.

I really feel like I’ve grown in these past few months. More so than any time previously. I think its because its summer, weirdly enough. I usually have life changing experiences in the summer where I somehow get pushed out of my comfort zone and get to stretch. I personally kind of like that, to be honest. I don’t understand people that constantly do things you’d see in a stereotypical movie where someone is like “Life is short!” I feel like that’s going to eventually get boring. Obviously expand yourself and your understanding of the world as much as possible but at the same time I feel like you’d ruin potentially life changing experiences. Like there has to be some point where you go to a lost ancient civilization with technology we can’t possibly comprehend or even replicate today… and then get bored because you’ve already done that last week. Obviously not that exact scenario but you get the point… hopefully.

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