Currently 8/20/19 (Effort, Trying, Tired)

This morning I tried to write but for whatever reason I was just drawing a blank. And this isn’t an excuse or a lie, I literally sat there for almost thirty minutes and couldn’t write anything. I think right now I just need to get back into the writing mood. My poor state as of late has been really creatively stifling so I just have to find it again.

On the same note, my mood and general mental state is better. Less sleeping in for hours and more I have no creativity. Suffice it to say I’d rather have a creative lull than complete lack of energy to get up and do basic survival needs. I still have these little stupid moments but overall I feel a lot better. I think what I need now is to just move on and try to get on with my life.

My classes are going to be starting soon. I’ll still do my best to update the blog on a daily basis but forgive me in advance if that becomes a problem. My biggest concern would be not being able to write consistently on my book and… ya that’s already a problem. I guess there’s that whole bit of being awkward around people and trying to get to know people. I think my biggest problem when it comes to interacting with people is I look fairly normal but its my demeanor and general behaviors that make people dislike me. I do have a scar problem on my body but everyone is polite enough not to say anything about it or otherwise doesn’t notice it so there’s nothing really to clock me as a semi antisocial person immediately. Its really annoying to have people genuinely seem to take an interest in me, either just to be friendly or ‘something more’, only to have them completely abandon me out of nowhere leaving me to obsess over if I did something wrong.

I really hate going into that mental state. I try to put forth this energy of “I don’t care what you think about me” but that quickly goes out the window the second a text or an attempt to strike up a conversation is ignored for more than a few hours. I guess its how I try to treat everyone. My personal philosophy is to treat another person like a priority. Of course life stuff gets in the way, like how I occasionally have to take my dad to various doctor appointments, but even in that case I always try to take time out to tell the person I’m busy but I’ll get back to them. I never understand people who just decide to ignore calls or texts when they clearly have the time to talk to that person.

I’m very much a “Treat others on how you would like to be treated” type of person. However I often default to a “Treat others how they’ve treated you” which definitely isn’t the same, healthy or decent. That was my biggest problem with a recent incident. I’m trying to stick to the first part because I think that being nice to others is just good all around. Maybe they’ll be nice to you in return… or they’ll be terrible to you and you can claim the moral high ground. Alright, that last part was a bit of a joke but I’d be lying if there wasn’t a kernel of truth in it.

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